Anguish?

Why did I hate everything so much? Why did I stop believing in “God”? Why did I lie to myself everyday just to put myself down? Why did I hurt myself?

Things have changed. I feel that I’m becoming a better person even though some people may think otherwise. I stopped hurting myself physically, emotional, and mentally. I’m finally letting people back into my life. I can finally wake up in the mornings without dragging my feet. I’m finally smiling again without even faking it. I have come to terms with my “spirituality” and now believe that in one form or another, there is a god out there. It may not be the god that you believe in, but I’m pretty sure he or she is the same in a way.

I don’t know when I dawned upon this, but I now realize that life is wonderful even through the ups and downs. My family and friends are what keep me sane.

I am alive.

So, where am I now and where am I going? In all honesty, I am more lost than ever. I am chasing my dreams without a map. This is an adventure with many possible outcomes.

Right now my mind is made of mush.. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or because I’m always like this. Probably both.

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to disappear, but then I realize that’s nonsense.