Monklin

oh, dear.

2010-10-14T19:27:00.003-05:00

I forget about this thing and I wish I didn't. These past two-three weeks have been interesting. My friend Alex and I have been hanging out a lot lately. We've been going for walks, talking about life, and playing music (mostly him though). This have been getting better.

Two Saturdays ago, Martin, Alex, Jenni, Gabi, and I hung out. We didn't know what to do so we hung outside of the school near my house in the middle of the night. Some weird white truck passed by us really slowly, did a u-turn and stopped in front of us. It turned on its headlights and then the undercover cop lights went on. It was definitely an OH SHIT moment. The cop was nice, he just asked us what we were doing and we told him we were deciding what to do since the cafe we wanted to go to was closed. The cop laughed and said, "I hear ya. There's nothing to do here." He told us to be safe and left. We decided to go to Taco Palenque but then decided on iHop instead. Best choice ever.

Between this time and Friday, probably Monday, Alex and I went for a walk and took my dogs with us this time. We took a break and sat down by the school and a cop pulled up by us again. This time this guy was just an asshole. I'm not saying all cops are, but this one didn't even give us a break. We were just listening to music and playing with my dogs. He asked for our ideas and Alex should him his. He then began to ask us questions and asked me if my dogs belonged to me. I tried holding back my anger and just told him yes. After he tried being all tough shit he said, "SO YOU ALL ARE ON YOUR WAY HOME, RIGHT?" And we looked at him like WHAT THE FUCK. It wasn't even past eleven yet. We just told him yes and just kept walking. Damn asshole.

Last Friday, I helped make some decorations for the LCC Dance with Kappa Pi. It was a productive day. I went to dinner with my parents and then went out walking with Alex afterwards. We ended up seeing the most amazing meteor hit the atmosphere. It was a bright green color and had a tail that looked like sparks. Once it passed through the atmosphere, it broke into two to three pieces. It lasted for a little more than 5 seconds and it was just the most amazing thing ever.

Last Saturday, Jenni, Gabi, Alex, and I went to go to a cafe. We stopped at the new cafe called Caffe Dolce but they didn't open 'til five. So, we decided to go to Cuadro's instead. We waited in the parking lot for the longest time but they never opened. We then decided to go back to Caffe Dolce and agreed that it was the best decision ever. We all got a cupcake, Alex and I got a coffee, and Jenni got a grilled cheese sandwich. Honestly, it was the best food I've ever had in the longest time. Afterwards, I had to go babysit and Alex had to go clean up his house. Alex dropped Jenni and Gabi to get Jenni's car and they met me at my house while Alex dropped me off at home. I put make-up on Jenni and we had the biggest laugh attack ever from reading our "Warped Tour Story" from middle school that Jenni and I wrote. Alex met us later on during the night and we talked for a long while. Jenni and Alex got preoccupied by playing with my toy gun. Gabi left after a while and Jenni, Alex, and I were getting chilled out in my room. Jenni fell asleep and Alex and I just talked. Alex and I did the most laziest hug in the world and Jenni woke up and freaked us out.

Yesterday, I got into an arguement with some rediculous, closed-minded asshole in my Photography class. Our teacher was giving us our new assignment and we had to mimic the style of the Photographer. There was one Photographer who did nudes. The teacher would go around the class showing the picture and every time our teacher would show the nude to the asshole's way, he'd be like "omfgeww". To ANY picture of ANYTHING naked, or even just a picture of a girl's back showing, he would over react and cover his eyes. Our teacher then said, "I bet you all want to mimic his photography now, right?" And jokingly, I said, "I know who isn't!" He asked me who and I pointed to the asshole. Then the asshole spoke, "WHY NOT?" Then I began to argue. "Because every time they show you a nude picture you get all freaked out and cover your eyes." Then he got mad and said, "WELL, I'M NOT A PERVERT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE." Then me, Ray, and Jessica, got completely offended by him. My teacher started to laugh and thus beginning the debate of "Porn or Art". We ended up taking a break and I went out to drink water. The guy followed me and asked me if I was going to take nudes. I told him I would like to, but it wouldn't be likely. He then said only pervs did that. I got even more offended and told him I woke take some nudes just to piss him off. I pushed him out of my way and walked back to class. My teacher told me, Jessica, and Ray about some extreme nude artist and we looked it up on my iPhone. We started laughing about it and went looking through all the pictures, along with some guy that sits on the other side of the table. The asshole walks in and sat in his place. The asshole asked what we were looking at and we told him it was rated TV-MA times XXX. He called us perverts and turned around. We found a picture that was completely rated "XXX" and showed it to our teacher. The asshole then gets near our teacher trying to see the picture that we were showing him. Ray and I caught him and just snatched my phone back.

In all seriousness, this guy is just a creep. I know I shouldn't say anything bad, but he's just completely disrespectful, closed-minded, arrogant, and just a plain out idiot. I wish this guy will get what's coming for him now. I'm a hothead and I was seriously about to take him out in front of everybody. Calling us artists "perverts" is just plain wrong. One day his going to push someone's button and really get it then.

Well, anyways, later on that day, Alex came over for a bit and we just talked and played guitar. He tried teaching me yesterday but I made it difficult for him. I felt uncomfortable inside with my family being downstairs so we went outside. We sat on the floor and were about to play but then we heard an owl. We walked across the street to see if it was there but it still sounded farther. We put in our guitars and decided to go search for the owl. Somewhere along the line, Alex had to go to the bathroom and I waited outside of his house. I got freaked out pretty badly but some cats that were running around, fighting. We walked towards the school near my house and we forgot about the owl. We laid down outside of my house for a while and I saw a meteor. Sadly, Alex didn't see it.

Today I didn't go to school because I woke up late and I just didn't feel too good about it. They also ended up cancelling my hair appointment today. Well, at least I got to wash my car and vacuum the inside.

I'm tired now. I want someone to come over, but I doubt that's going to happen. Oh, well. Maybe this weekend.

Forgetful

2010-09-27T19:57:00.004-05:00

I forgot to post last week. I'll admit it.. I am forgetful, but let's not forget, I'm still human! Anyways, I'm having a hard time remembering last week.

- was able to do my prints for class and extra prints.

- attended another Kappa Pi meeting on Friday.

- went out with my family for dinner on Friday.

- dragged Alex out to take pictures with me Saturday and Sunday.

- have been having terrible nightmares.

That's all I can remember so far.

Today was a good day in a sense that there was an amazing cold front this morning.

I got to develop my film today. Wednesday I make prints. Sadly, I didn't get a silhouette.

Fotografia

2010-09-16T18:17:00.005-05:00

So, last week I had mentioned that I was cut open again. Well, I missed about three days of school and worried that I would fall behind. I would've gone to class, but I was under so much medication that I couldn't even get up from my bed. This week I returned to all my classes and found out that they really didn't do much. I was able to catch up quickly and get ahead. I was sad for a while because I missed my Photography last week when we were going to do prints from our negatives for the first time. Mr. Johnson (my photography teacher) replied back to my e-mail and told me what I had missed and told me that he assigned for us to take more pictures by using the blurring/panning/freezing techniques. All weekend I forgot about it, then remembered on Sunday and got unbelievably worried. I didn't want to get more behind, so Monday morning I went to school early bought three films and tried taking some shots. I couldn't get any good ones at school, so I decided to ditch Yoga and picked up my friend Gabi to go take pictures with me at the park. Luckily, I was able to arrive at school on time and I was able to develop my film. I was happy that I was able to get some decent shots. I was only able to do my contact sheets and no prints, so I was excited for Wednesday.

Thursday sucked. Design I was alright, but Biology was just absolutely horrible.

Yesterday, I had an absolutely fantastic day. For some reason, I just woke up in the best mood of my life. The night before I was stressing out on a presentation because I had to put it together for my group and one of them didn't send me their information because they wrote my e-mail down wrong. Luckily, that morning I checked my e-mail and it was there. She had done her own slide for our PowerPoint so I was able to just insert it without any problems. Then Yoga was pretty much fun! It's a lot of work and movement, but it's totally fantastic. Right now I don't have much upper body strength than I do lower body, so I just have to really work on that. Then Photography was just ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I was finally able to make three prints of my panning/blurring/freezing assignment. I was actually working faster than the other students. I would've been able to do five prints, but it was my first time making prints. I had a slow start because he made me start off with contrasting, burning, and dodging, instead of just printing. But I must say, it was pretty fun. My teacher saw me working hard and told me that I could take a break. I laughed and told him that I was having too much fun to stop. He told me that maybe photography could be my calling. And you know what? I think so, too.

Today was an okay day, I can't complain much. Design I went by pretty fast, so it was good. There was a Kappa Pi meeting two hours after I got out of class, so I picked up my friend Gabi and went to eat at Taco Bell with her.

Anyways, here's the three prints I made yesterday:

Lonely

2010-09-10T15:01:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling really down at the moment and I've been trying to cheer myself up. I hate being so shy. It's unbelievably hard for me to even speak up some times. Maybe I'm just too scared of being judged.

Anyways, I went to the doctor again this past week. They had to cut me open again, but this time they REALLY injected me with medication to numb me. Only reason they did so was because I got an anxiety attack and started to cry in front of the doctor. Being cut open hurts like hell. My pain level is low. I even go crazy when people tug at my hair. I'm really sensitive to things.

I have a crush on someone and I hate it.

I really need to find closure.

New Beginnings

2010-09-04T15:55:00.005-05:00

Apparently, there was a fire at my college yesterday. One of the art majors I know posted on Facebook that our art gallery caught fire. They were thinking that lightning hit it. It's so unbelievably! And we barely opened the gallery three days ago for the student art show. I hope the gallery can be salvaged. At least the artwork was supposedly saved, so that's good news.

On Thursday I went to a Kappa Pi (art ferturnity) meeting and decided to join! I've had class with most of the people who are in it, so it isn't so bad. Yesterday, Mr. Short held a meeting for the art majors but only a few people went. It was okay.

I'm slowly stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to do new things. Hopefully I will go get the guts to go apply for a job.

I Thank My Lucky Stars I Found You.

2010-09-02T00:29:00.006-05:00

College has been good to me. The second week of school went well. So far, I've gotten a great critic from one of my teachers on a collage I did (view below), learned how to use my Single Lens Reflex camera, and have been up to date with my homework. The only classes that I don't like are my actual academic classes, speech and biology. Luckily, I'm taking those online so it's better than attending a boring speech.

So, today was the LCC Student Art Show! My mom ended up going and I met up with her after class. She saw my horrid still life and liked it. I honestly hated my piece. For one thing, it's just a still life. Also, it really doesn't show any artistic freedom like all the other pieces of art that were there. Nevertheless, I was glad to be a part of it. I guess you could say that I had a shining moment.. my 15 minutes of fame. Anyways, I'm off to bed now. Here's a picture of my horrid piece at the show.

P.S. I have Tom Waits "Closing Time" album in my head. Especially the song "Little Trip to Heaven".

College

2010-08-24T15:14:00.002-05:00

My classes have been absolutely amazing so far! On Mondays and Wednesdays, I have Art History, Yoga, and Photography. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have Design I, and my Biology lab on Tuesdays only. So far, the first two days have been uplifting! I know someone in all of my classes except Photography, but I can totally befriend the girl that sat two seats away from me. She seems.. nice?

Anyways, today I was waiting outside my classroom 30 minutes before it started and I found out some girl named Angelica changed her class from the afternoon to my class time. Then I found out this girl from my Design II class was also in my Design I class. So that was good to find out!

BUT NOW, the most important thing of today.

I finally got back my Drawing II art pieces, and found out one of 'em is going to be in my college's student art show. So., I'm excited, even though I hated that art piece. But, hey! At least it's something.

I just need to attend my Biology lab, get my blood pressure checked, buy a yoga mat, and then I can finally settle down and soak in the happiness.

Tomorrow is going to be fun, we're going to use a pin-hole camera. I'm unbelievably excited.

Illustration

2010-08-18T01:59:00.004-05:00

My friend Alex texted me earlier and he gave me something to draw. We were talking about dreams, so I ended up drawing a scenery from his dreams after giving me some details. I decided to use pastels since I hadn't touched them in a long while.

I really need to start working on illustration more often. :D

I'm still tweaking it a bit, but here's what I did tonight:

Habbit

2010-08-17T13:22:00.004-05:00

I should write in this blog more often, I always forget about this thing. Anyways, today I went with my sister to LCC to buy my books for class and apparently we spent over $900 books. And to top that all off, most of them were mine. Now that's pretty sad, especially since I bought USED textbooks. Oh, well.. I'm excited for this coming semester, so it's alright. I'm taking Art History, Design I, and Photography. This will complete all my art basics.

Anyways, I'm starting to come up with more ideas for my take on the Sketchbook Project, my theme is Sleepless. I've done the cover and two entries so far. They're not my best, but I like them very much.

I'm going to read for the rest of the day. :3

I need more artistic stimulation!

Hope

2010-08-16T01:52:00.003-05:00

This summer has had it's ups and down, but this past weekend was just magnificent. I hung out with a group of friends on Friday and it had been the most fun I've had in a long time. I'm glad that I chose not to be such a recluse and get out of the house that day. Then yesterday (Saturday), Alex came over and we just talked and looked for meteors all night (Alex saw 17, I saw 14).

Truly, this summer has been the best. Even though there has been a period of sadness, everything is alright. And just for some reason right now, I found hope. Hope that there's always going to be a better tomorrow. The hope of being able to enjoy life. The hope of falling in love.

My judgement may be impaired right now, but this has been the most uplifting mood I have ever been in a long time.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be a spectacular day.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2010-06-15T19:39:00.002-05:00

Apparently, last week I got a haircut and I love it! At first, I just wanted something different, I didn't want to go short because it's summer and my hair is too hard to handle because of the frizziness. Somehow my mother was able to talk me into it and I don't regret it.

Anyways, I have two more weeks on summer school left. My U.S. History II class has been total hell. I have to read a chapter a day, do 3 quizzes for each chapter, and only have an hour to do each test. Let me tell you, I am not doing so well in that class. I want to get at LEAST a B, but nothing lower than a C. My government class is okay, there's nothing to complain about since we only do four tests, and in my first test I got a B (but it was curved into an A), so nothing to complain about.

On July 1st, I need to wake up extremely early, take my final exams, and leave with my friend Jenni to Warped Tour. The only reason I'm going is because of Motion City Soundtrack!

Anyways, I guess that is all.

05182010

2010-05-18T20:30:00.002-05:00

Things have been going study. For the past week or two, I've been on bed rest due to a bump on my leg. I doubt you'd want to hear the story. Let's just say that they had to cut my leg and there was a lot of pain involved. Anyways, it's my short summer break before I start summer classes in two weeks and I have not been able to do much. I guess this is a chance for me to catch up on a few things and set my mind straight on others.

Things I've been working on:

- Portrait Project

- Windows Project

- Writing Postcards & Letters

- Art House Co-op Projects

- Filling up old sketchbooks.

Things are changing and I think we all know it. Hopefully things are changing for the better right now. I think I need a miracle at this moment.

I want my leg to get better. I'm tired of being stuck in my own house. Today was the first day in a while that I was able to set foot outside.

I want to travel.

Anguish?

2010-05-13T01:11:00.000-05:00

Why did I hate everything so much? Why did I stop believing in “God”? Why did I lie to myself everyday just to put myself down? Why did I hurt myself?

Things have changed. I feel that I’m becoming a better person even though some people may think otherwise. I stopped hurting myself physically, emotional, and mentally. I’m finally letting people back into my life. I can finally wake up in the mornings without dragging my feet. I’m finally smiling again without even faking it. I have come to terms with my “spirituality” and now believe that in one form or another, there is a god out there. It may not be the god that you believe in, but I’m pretty sure he or she is the same in a way.

I don’t know when I dawned upon this, but I now realize that life is wonderful even through the ups and downs. My family and friends are what keep me sane.

I am alive.

So, where am I now and where am I going? In all honesty, I am more lost than ever. I am chasing my dreams without a map. This is an adventure with many possible outcomes.

Right now my mind is made of mush.. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or because I’m always like this. Probably both.

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to disappear, but then I realize that’s nonsense.

Artface

2010-04-25T08:08:00.001-05:00

I literally passed out on my bed with all my sketchbooks.

The last thing I remembered was getting picked up by a couple of friends,

having a drink with them, then coming back home again.

I woke up with fucking blue and yellow paint on my face.

Apparently, I had starting working on an art piece.

What was I going to draw?

Right Now

2010-04-24T13:42:00.000-05:00

…there is a pile of sketchbooks and journals on my bed.

I don’t even know how many I have anymore.

There should be about two big ones, two medium,

one square, one mini, and my ‘Wreck This Journal’ book.

Plus, my sketchbook for class.

Oh, yeah.

Plus, the one I got for my birthday.

Oh, dear.

Plus, my “scrap” sketchbook that I’ve had forever.

Now to decide which one to work on.

Space

2010-04-17T13:56:00.001-05:00

So why space? I love what you wrote, but why do you think space came to mind |:? by T9SayWha

Here’s a response to a formspring question.

Well depends on what SPACE we’re talking about.

space [speys] Show IPA noun, verb,spaced, spac·ing, adjective

–noun

1. the unlimited or incalculably great three-dimensional realm or expanse in which all material objects are located and all events occur.

2. the portion or extent of this in a given instance; extent or room in three dimensions: the space occupied by a body.

3. extent or area in two dimensions; a particular extent of surface: to fill out blank spaces in a document.

4. Fine Arts.

a. the designed and structured surface of a picture: In Mondrian’s later work he organized space in highly complex rhythms.

b. the illusion of depth on a two-dimensional surface.

5. outer space.

8. a place available for a particular purpose: a parking space.

9. linear distance; a particular distance: trees separated by equal spaces.

11. extent, or a particular extent, of time: a space of two hours.

12. an interval of time; a while: After a space he continued his story.

19. freedom or opportunity to express oneself, resolve a personal difficulty, be alone, etc.; allowance, understanding, or noninterference: Right now, you can help by giving me some space.

–verb (used with object)

20. to fix the space or spaces of; divide into spaces.

21. to set some distance apart.

For me, space is/was distance between myself and the catalyst that has interfered my system of what I live by. It is also the emptiness I need in my mind. A free-flowing train of though that is allowed to expand as far as it can. And Space, the imaginary room of where I reside when I need time away from reality.

Then of course, outer space.

Confusing, isn’t it?

Concept of Space

2010-04-15T08:59:00.000-05:00

I need to let this out through a stream of writing.

This will probably not make sense to you.

These past few weeks have been different.. I’m not sure if I like it or not. Lately, I’ve been uneasy like the sea because my mind is not in sync with my brain. I’ve lost sense of the only logic I know and my emotions are spilling out every time I tip over. I’ve dreamt of this a thousand times, but always with different possibilities. This was not foreseen. No.. it was not. It shifts every second, every day. Should I make up my mind? Should I give in? No, I will not. I have stuck to a system for years and it has kept me stable. But one false move and everything I’ve ever known is different again. This is a different change, nothing I’ve ever expected before. For three weeks, I have been empty. My mind has been empty. I cannot think, I cannot create. Wait.. I can think. I only think about the things I have seen. The shadow of the blinds and telephone lines. Then, I think about the noise.. the fan clicking through the night. I’ve scribbled this down a thousand times. They are imprinted forever in my mind. It never stuck with me till now. Why? I don’t know.. maybe I do. But you wouldn’t understand. Oh, no.. you never will. My mind is constant even though I may not even notice it. My mind is.. space. Undeniable space. Universal space. Space. I am floating through space. There is no time, there is no light. It is space. Free floating. No gravity. No levity. Space.

I’m trying to grab the concept of space and turn it into something visible.

dream03272010.exe

2010-03-27T23:47:00.000-05:00

It was you.

It was me.

Sitting alone on a mountain of gold.

Sunflowers bursting and blooming against the moon.

The dust fell upon my eyes.

I turned to look at your face.

I could not see it.

You pointed up at the sky.

The shards were falling down.

Covering your head

you turned to me.

“Can you hear it?”

Brain Food

2010-01-07T23:10:00.002-06:00

Today I had breakfast tacos from a gas station, went to the eye doctor with my sister, went to B. Dalton to get some books on sale, and went to Salsa's for lunch and had sushi.

I hate the fact that we're not going to have a bookstore anymore. B. Dalton's has always been there since I've remembered. It's where I would always go when my mother takes forever shopping. Now I need to order books online, which is not so bad, but I like looking through the shelves and being able to grab a book and skim through it. Hopefully we'll get another bookstore soon.

Well, today I got nine books:

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Century: 1910
Star Trek - The Manga (I know, me with a manga? Crazy.)
Bowie: a Biography (Of course, I couldn't pass this up! David Bowie is my love!)
Invisible Man
Freak the Mighty
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Maggie: A Girl of the Streets (and Selected Stories)
Go Ask Alice

All for $50, which I find to be a good deal. Plus, I also got a tiny lawn gnome! I couldn't resist. 8D

When is it closing? I should go one last time. I feel like today it didn't set in my mind that it's closing.

Shit.

Night Terrors

2010-01-06T17:04:00.003-06:00

Every night for the past few days, I've been having a dream of my ex-boyfriend and I hate it. I wake up crying because I'm scared he'll come back and do something to me. Kill me, rape me, humiliate me.. but he's not like that. At least, from what I remember him to be, he was never so cruel. I always try to escape him from my dreams. My parents would even invite him over and I would hate it. He'd go to my room and trap me in there with him. I don't even want to write this down, but I feel like I have to. Ever since I got those picture from Warped Tour back, his face has been imprinted in my mind. I wake up feeling sick.

I'm rambling.

I'll fix this later.

I don't want to remember him.

This must be it, welcome to the New Year!

2010-01-01T23:29:00.000-06:00

So, since this is now the year of change, I've decided to try and keep up with this blog. Hopefully that will mean more posts about art, dreams, and other nonsense, rather than my usual depressing situations. My life might not be interesting, but hey! At least I can come back and look at the past for the hell of it.

So, a new year, eh? It started off good. Well.. it could've been better if I wasn't sick. Apparently, I have a stomach virus. I woke up around 9 AM and oh, dear god, I've never puked so much in my life. I took a long shower then came back to my room and went back to sleep. Around 6 PM, I heard my mom's side of the family downstairs playing Lotería. I got dressed went downstairs and sat outside with my dogs. It was a pleasant evening. After my mom's side of the family left, we picked up some of the trash, ate dinner, and then watched Julie & Julia and Duplicity.

Julie & Julia: I honestly thought it was a good movie, but I didn't like the ending. I loved the color scheme throughout the movie and the way they would dress.

Duplicity: I thought it was too complicated. I understood it in the end of course, but it just didn't catch my attention. All the "badass" parts were towards the end of the movie. But I did like the ending.

Now, I'm here in my room watching the Twilight Zone marathon and listening to my dog fight with her reflection in the mirror.

Good day, good day.

Hello there, how you doing?

2009-12-31T05:08:00.002-06:00

I've got all these thoughts just floating through my brain.

They bump and they collide and cause a flurry of confusion and it's getting on my nerves.

Lately I've been obsessing with change. Life, truthfully, has been shit. Friendships lost, family problems, no money, etc. I've been getting my anxiety attacks a lot more lately. Not as bad, but every once in a while I can barely keep my head straight. College has been great. Got A's in Drawing I, English 1301, & College Algebra. Plus, a B in Psychology, which I think I truly could've done better. Anyways, I'm going off topic. I am thirsting for change. Therefore, 2010 will be the year of Change.

For the past few days, I've been going through my closet and getting rid of old things. Such as clothes, toys, etc. I'm throwing away the prehistoric times and giving in to space age! I've deleted some accounts online, deleted old blog entries, old comments, some people on my friends list, and other nonsense!

But since some memories aren't so bad, I've decided to pick up scrapbooking. I know, I said I would never give in, but I did. So that is that. I am now trying to get my shit together. Make myself a bit more useful.

2010 means: more art, less shyness, better sleep.

I must attend more concerts. (Warped Tour 2010, here I come.) I must find a job though. I need the extra cash.

Someone mysteriously charged a Star Trek 2010 calender on my LCC card.

Hmm, how strange.

What I Want You Can't Fuckin' Kill.

2009-10-10T00:42:00.002-05:00

I don't update this very often. As I've stated before: I only blog whenever I am angry / sad / frustrated /depressed /etc. I've never been the type of person to finish what I've started. So sad really.

College has been good to me. Met some new people, but in reality I'm too shy to talk to them. My art class has been wonderful. I'm doing really well in math compared to my high school days. English and Psychology are good too. Now I know how it feels to be in college and now I know how much homework there is, I've come to decide to take 18 hours of college next semester. I've also decided that I want to Double-Major in Art and Computer Science.

I've seen Autumn around every now and then.. still it pains me to see him. I cannot get over him.

Lately I've been thinking about my old friend Vanessa from middle school. I wonder where she is and how she's doing..

There are some hidden feelings that I wish I could've shared with her.

I remember she moved to California.. I wish I could talk to her once more..

Maybe this is what has been frustrating me these past few days..

We have company over. Steve family is here visiting.. gee, now I can't run around naked in my own house. What a bummer.

Good night.

Take your cause and pass it around.

2009-08-21T02:46:00.003-05:00

Truth: I never learned how to ride a bike.

Yes, it is true. In all my life I never really learned to ride a bike. I use to have one, my dad tried teaching me, but I remember having one bad fall that I cut my whole arm and I never rode again. Lately, for some odd reason, I've been wanting to learn to ride a bike. Maybe looking at all those Burning Man pictures has inspired me to ride a bike.

Next week, well, in 3 days, I will start college. I am excited, but I am scared at the same time.

3 days ago, I went to LCC to go buy my books with my sister. I started getting a panic attack because I started thinking of the guy I like/liked. I realized that he is also at LCC and he has one class that's the same as mine, but not sure what time or day he has it. I'm hoping that he doesn't have the same class as me, cause really, that will drive me crazy.

I don't want to like him, ya know? He's arrogant and egomaniac. Yet, I can't help but be attracted to him.

Pomplamoose is an amazing band. Just found out about them today. :3

I am determined to get better at Hooping. I have learned to get the hoop from my neck to my waist. I'm getting a bruise on my left knee and on my right ankle.

They've been showing Tank Girl for the past two weeks. Neato.

I don't know what else to say..

Sing Out

2009-08-15T18:30:00.002-05:00

I must confess you're all I dream about
All that I think without
Never have a single doubt
To sing out, whatever it is you're trying to say now
Whatever is on your mind

I realized that 99% of the time that I write a blog is when I'm upset or just thinking way too much. So I realized that I need to start writing more happy/upbeat blogs.

Well, this past week was actually pretty fun. I had almost forgot about the Preseid's meteor shower. Here are me and my family's scores:

Round 1: Krystel - 17 Me - 13 Dad - 11 Mom - 1 Steve - None
Round 2: Me - 36 Krystel - 35 Dad - 18 Mom - 17 Kiki - 5 Steve - 1
Round 3: Me - 1 Mom -1 Everybody Else: None
Round 4: Mom - 3 Dad - 2 Me - 1 Krys - 1 Steve - None
Overall Winner: Krystel

And yeah, that was pretty much it this week. I got stuck with babysitting twice.

Just in case if I never posted this:

I went to Seaworld with my sister Krystel, Steve, and her kids for two days. My parents went to this place because my dad won in a sweepstakes to come out on Maseca's cooking show where you get to spin a wheel and win prizes. My dad won a year's worth of food which towards my first semester in college. Audio was born on June 10th and she's a pain, but she's cute and I love her. We were suppose to go to the beach but my dad had to work two weeks earlier, so we didn't get to. We replaced the floors upstairs and downstairs. Upstairs we put laminate flooring and downstairs tile. My mom made the workers put up shelf for her so she could put her evil dolls. I recieved my Ghost and the Grace shirt and CD. And yesterday I got my Anchor & Braille CD, Shirt, Poster, Buttons, & Picks! So I'm a happy kid.

This summer has been good to me. Jenni's leaving to S.A. for college on the 20th, so hopefully we'll be able to hang out before she leaves. And some German girl is replacing her for 4 months.

I don't what else to write.

I shall depart now.

P.S. - Right now I'm staying downstairs because the air con upstairs broke down, and it won't be fixed till Monday.

SHIT.

And There's One Thing You Should Know..

2009-08-11T15:05:00.006-05:00

is that I fell for you long ago.

And everything that I do, begans and ends with you.

So, two more weeks till I start college and I must admit that I am excited. My schedule:

M&W:

Drawing I - 8:00-10:30

English 1301 - 12:00-1:30

T&Th:

Psychology - 9:30-10:50

Algebra I - 11:00-12:20

I'm kind of bummed out that I'm not going to be with my friends, since they're either going to an out of town college or TAMIU. But now, I'm going to have class with my sister! Except for Algebra.

This summer has had it's ups and downs. But for the most part, it's been nice and easy going. I've been able to express myself more artisticly and I've been able to make peace with myself. One of the downsides is that my sleeping routine has been very messed up. Some days I sleep all day and some days I don't sleep at all. I ended up not looking for a job afterall because Audio was born. (Which my mother says it's just an excuse that I use, which is 25% true.) I got a grant for college which only pays HALF of my classes. But it's better than getting nothing at all. The only reason why I got that grant was because I graduated DAP. Which reminds me, I need to go see someone at the college about giving me hours that I earned in high school.

Lately, well mostly this whole summer, I've been dreaming of going back to high school. Either in my dreams I failed a class or they just dragged everyone back who graduated.

Can you hear me.. stop?

I want to travel.

I really have nothing important to say today. Or at least not yet.

Pans and Fauns

2009-07-23T21:25:00.003-05:00

I had this dream that I had met the devil.. Normally you'd think this would've been a scary dream, but not at all really. I was in this building. Windows everywhere, good lighting, but was filled with water. Half the time I was in that building, I was swimming. There were people that I knew. Maybe it was a party. I knew it had to deal with Gabi somehow, but details are blurry at the moment. Anyways, I started seeing pans/fauns walking around the water playing music. (yes, of course with Pan flutes and such.) I started walking away from the "party" and towards the fauns. There was this one faun, beautiful creature it was.. telling me to choose wisely. I kept walking. I started seeing these humanoids with horns like rams all in different colours. The room started bursting with such beauty. Trees were growing..grass started to grow. Flowers with these amazing colours started to spourt. I reached the end of the building..the Devil was sitting there before me on his thrown. I felt this attraction towards him..he was beautiful. But I tried blocking my mind from this. He started talking to me. Telling me to join him, to sit at his side. He embraced me. He gave me a choice between him and my current life. I pulled away. I told him, even if my life isn't perfect and could be horrible at times, I didn't mind it at all. I loved my life and I would never give it up. He asked me to reassure him.. for me to look him in the eyes and tell him. I did. I started walking back. The fauns and the humanoids gathered together and followed me back to the beginning of the building. I opened the front door and walked into a bright white light. It was nothing holy, but it was nothing evil.

What did my dream mean?

Love is just a waste of our energy.

2009-05-16T14:55:00.002-05:00

:/

My thoughts on love are too complicated. I fall so easily in and out of love. I've fallen in love with one of my friend's neighbour and I've fallen in love with a guy at my school. Then all of a sudden I've fallen in love with someone I don't even know who lives in another state. I don't even understand any of this. It's so complicated. It brings me down and it still ends up keeping me around. I need something different. I'm so sick and tired of love. There isn't anything I could do right now.

-----

On a brighter note: yesterday was the medallion ceremony. It was alright. I sat next to Alex and we were joking the whole time through it. Graduation is almost here.

Get Up, Recover!

2009-05-12T19:35:00.002-05:00

Apparently, since I've been painting so much, my niece now wants to be like this and paint too. I'm surprised that lately she's been trying to be like me. It's a nice feeling at times, I actually don't mind. She's been begging my sister for paint. I'd lend her some of mine, but things get too messy! And acrylic paint does not wash out 99% of the times. Especially now that we moved into this house WHICH THE 2ND FLOOR IS COVERED IN CARPET. Maybe I'll end up buying her some temp. paint if my sister doesn't.

I just realized that they finally covered that ugly graffiti in my general neighbourhood area. Normally I don't mind Graffiti BUT it was horrible and disguisting lookin'. It was just scribbles. Not artisticness to it. I didn't even understand what it said, something along the lines of ocha town? No fuckin' idea.

Which reminds me of this: http://www.pro8news.com/news/blog/42646037.html

Tomorrow is that stupid pyshical. Really, what is the point? AND WHY DO THEY DECIDE TO DO IT WHEN LAREDO HEAT REACHES 101 DEGREEs? I don't want to go but I really don't feel like lying to my mother. My plan was to go to school, get picked up by my sister right after she drops me off and stay home till lunch. But.. I don't know. Still debating. I have a feelin' tomorrow is going to go BAD.

Oh, well.

Fly Trapped In a Bottle

2009-05-11T23:49:00.003-05:00

I remember going across to Nuevo Laredo (Mexico) a lot when I was a little girl. Iwould go with my dad, my Willita (grandmother), and my cousin David. I remember we use to walk our way across and back, it was too much of a hassel to take the car. We would buy this most amazing ice cream ever. It was vanilla, but it tasted BETTER. And the strawberry ice cream was even better. We use to wait for my Tia Socoro at one of the bus stops across. Every now and then she would come and visit us from Guadalajara. I remember we would buy fruit cups, ice cream, lucas candy, and Coca-Cola in glass bottles while we waited for Tia Socoro to get to town. My cousin David and I would have contests to see who could snort the most Lucas without crying or having a nose bleed. (Yeah, we were pretty stupid kids back then.)

There was one time when we were waiting for Tia Socoro, David and I started talking about myths and legends. My Willita brought up several ones but there was one that actually stuck to me for some reason. I cannot remember it quite clearly but it had to do with something about catching a fly in a glass Coca-Cola bottle. Then some man who come and visit you in the middle of the night to leave you money. My cousin was scared of it because they said he would come as the most ugliest creature/human ever. My cousin always wanted to try it but he was afraid of the outcome.

In fact, I don't think we've ever ended up trying it. I guess we must have been afraid. I should really bring this up to him in the next family get-together.

What?

2009-05-06T23:23:00.002-05:00

My niece told me I'm "such a great artist and writer".

Then she asked me, "Why are you a great artist?"

"Why are you a great writer?"

I have no idea what brought this up.. she just said it. I looked at her puzzled. She just starred back at me.

I guess sometime she tries to be like me.

She's been wanting a journal like mine so she just carry around all the time just like I do.

I don't know..am I flatter?

Friends With a Mormon

2009-05-06T22:57:00.003-05:00

I never knew that I use to be best friends with a Mormon. Normally you'd think that Mormons are those annoying people that go riding their bikes door to door bothering people telling them that their religion is "blah, blah, blah". Well, apparently she wasn't, her family wasn't like that.

The only reason that I remember this was because I went to a mass today with my parents for my Tio Alex, who recently passed away. There was this little girl was an alter server that looked like my friend (from Elementary) named Ana when she was little. She had the long hair and the puffy cheeks. It was almost like her. After the mass my parents and went to Logan's for dinner. My mom brought up the little girl and then we started talking about Ana.

I remembered going to a church with her. It was a totally different experience. Everything was actually. I asked my mom what was her religion, she stopped to think about it. First, she thought they were Jehovah Witnesses, but then she remembered that they were Mormons. I made a face, I didn't know they were Mormons. My mom laughed, surprising, eh? It was. I had never realized that they were Mormons.

Oh, no, I don't have anything against Mormons, or any religion in general. I'm just not a religious person. I guess it surprised me because the only friends I had ever been with were just Christians and Catholics, only because 99.8% of the city are made of Christians and Catholics.

After my mom told me that, I guess I felt good inside. It was different.

Now, I wish I had more of a dose of other religions.

Something different.

And I just realized, Ana's brother Dean, was surprisingly hott.

I remember he used to have blue hair, and I believe his room was blue too. I remember some drawings on the wall. Maybe even some bunk beds. I don't remember clearly. I remember playing Duck Hunt. I believe he was bipolar, if I recall correctly.

Hannah Montana has taught..

2009-05-06T15:31:00.001-05:00

my niece to tell my sister that she is the worst mom ever.

I must admit that Hannah Montana is too much for Disney.

They could do without her.

I had wished that the movie would've be the end of her.

This, What I Thought I Knew; This, What I Thought Was True..

2009-05-06T14:57:00.002-05:00

Been working on swaps all week, nothing much really.
School will probably start on Monday.
Eh, don't want to AP test.
I wonder what's changed.
I still feel sick.
But I can't complain.

It will be a year on the 27th that I had my 2nd art journal (which I have falled to fill out in one year).

Haha..

Eno Inspires.

You'd think that will all the anxiety & throwing up..

2009-05-05T14:03:00.001-05:00

I would've gotten use to it by now.

Last night was horrible. I threw up twice. Once my food, the other all the water I drank.

I was starting to dehydrate.

Man, fuck this.

I Find It Funny

2009-05-03T23:01:00.002-05:00

When you say that you're starting to hate her, but in reality you're becoming JUST LIKE HER. Really, quit the bullshit and tell me you're in love with her. Our friendship is being damage by someone who doesn't even wants us to be friends. Sad, but very true.

-----

Two weeks... bring it on.

-----

I need to write a short story for a swap. (http://www.swap-bot.com/swap/show/35771)

What can I write to go along with this beginning line:

The silence of the room was deafening...?

Free Comic Book Day

2009-05-02T13:45:00.001-05:00

Damn.. I'm such a geek.

Oh, how I love you...

2009-05-02T13:05:00.001-05:00

Oh, how I love you And in the evening, when we are sleeping We are sleeping. Oh, we are sleeping.

Wow, I just kept clicking block quote. Whoops.

It's a Funny Thing Actually

2009-05-01T22:36:00.002-05:00

Isn't it funny when somebody hits you accidentally and laugh while they're saying sorry?

I never really appreciated that. My mother accidentally hit me with the step ladder and I told her to watch it because I was on the floor. Sure enough within five seconds she had forgotten and hit me in the back with it. Great. And now she's angry because I'm upset at her for laughing. This pointless "argument" or "silent treatment" will last for days due to the fact that my mother and I are stubborn.

I saw an interesting fellow today.

He exchanged glances and I just look down.

He stopped in his tracks.

I kept walking.

I can't help but always do that. I end up shutting myself down. Well, on the brighter side: Swine Flu has taken over our school district. I can't tell if I'm HAPPY about school being closed for two weeks or if I'm pissed off at the fact that I have no time to do my finals and my school work at the same time. Plus, AP testing. Etc.

I need...escape.

Well, I must send in my swaps. Possibly tomorrow I'll drive over to the Post Office then go grab a cup of coffee. I don't know. Depends on what time I wake up.

I'll post my dreams later.

2009-05-01T14:13:00.001-05:00

Swine flu closed down our schools for two weeks! Should I be happy about it? I just want to graduate already, goddaammmmmiit!

2009-04-30T23:42:00.003-05:00

"I can't be the person you'd fall in love with. Not even in real life. I'm sorry." - "I understand Jared." - "You possibly can't Eno." - "But a part of you does."

Sometimes

2009-04-30T22:42:00.000-05:00

I wonder why these things happen.

I wonder why they end up together.

I wonder why I couldn't understand.

Sometimes, it gets to me and I have no idea what to do or say.

Maybe.. things DO happen for a reason.

But I don't want to give in into that saying.

I've lived my life by

Whatever Happens, Happens.

There is no Fun in Funerals.

2009-04-30T13:15:00.002-05:00

Today's plans:

Funeral for Tio Alex.
Should I be sad?
I mean.. I didn't even know him, but sometime tells me I'm going to cry anyways.
Everytime I go to a funeral I always cry. Maybe because I think of my Willita.
Or maybe because I just need to cry, just to let out emotions. I don't understand it.
Seven hours of people crying, prayinng, and a viewing of a dead body.

I feel so uncomfortable about this..

This Morning..

2009-04-29T22:59:00.003-05:00

I woke up, ran to the bathroom and threw up blood. I started freaking out, then I realized, I was having a nose bleed. It guess it had barely started because the taste of blood makes me want to puke. And... that was pretty much my morning for today. I made breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, threw out the trash, and read the newspaper. This is me not acting my age really.

I don't know, lately, I feel more responsible. Well, at least when I'm alone at home. Other than that, I act like a spoiled brat with my parents. But it's okay, I guess. I'm trying to take responsibility. So now the dreams.

I had stopped running. I started walking through an endless field of apple trees. I guess I had been there for a while because I ended up picking some apples and the sun had gone down. I heard my name from a distance. I panicked, so I climbed into a tree. I looked around trying to find Eno. He stopped directly underneath the tree I was in.

He sat down against the tree. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Maybe I'm just one of your alter-egos, I don't even know myself," he sighed. I stayed in the tree, trying not to make any noise. "I guess, you're not going to show yourself." He dropped a bracelet on the floor. "I'm sorry."

As soon as he was out of view, I got down from the tea. I bent over and picked up the bracelet. It had these hearts linked together by two little circles in between them. (Either I had seen this bracelet before or it was just dumb luck that my mom both it for me in real life.) Anyways, I stayed there just analyzing the bracelet. I felt my eyes getting watery. "Eno?" I ran after him.

I saw him walking towards the field of Sunflowers. I ran and push him down. I started hitting him repeatedly. He grabbed my arms and got on top of me trying to stop me. "Calm down, please!" he shouted. I stopped and began to cry. He got off me and pulled me towards him. He began to play with my hair. "Please don't be angry. I can't handle it. Maybe I'm the same in real life."

Then, I woke up. That same day I went to the mall with my mother and she bought me a bracelet exactly the same. I don't understand anymore.

What is dream?

What is reality?

What I want, you can't fuckin' give.

2009-04-29T17:56:00.003-05:00

I can't get this song out of my head.

http://gchibi.free.fr/PALM/09%20Surrender.mp3

I'll write my dreams later.

Killing time with a surv-ey.

2009-04-29T12:46:00.002-05:00

Be honest, who are you texting?
No one. Why do I have to be honest about that?

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Somewhat.
Probably the same guy I do now.

What all did you realize today?
That my hair is really long and I need a haircut.
...I hate my curlies.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I seriously fuckin' doubt that.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Surprisingly no one.
Well, texted Jenni.
But physically, no one.

How late did you stay up last night, why?
6 AM.
I couldn't sleep.

Who's the last person you shared a drink with?
I don't remember.
Possibly my sister.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes.

If you can have only one liquid for the rest of you life what would it be?
Apple tea!

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
Fuck, no.

Have you ever lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Some girl named Vanessa. :/
It's said I still think about her from time to time.
She's gone..

Do you think you are a good person?
Possibly not, but I try to be.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Only certain things.
But I can handle it.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours?
No.

Are you a patient person?
With certain things I am.
I usually zone out so time passes by quickly.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
I always do.

How's your heart lately?
I don't understand it anymore.

When was the last time you cried?
Last night.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
Too much.

Do you care what others think about you?
Only if it's an "important" person.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
I use to.
I'm not sure I do anymore.
I hate talking on the phone now.
I always find myself hearing the same things on the other side of the line.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was okay.

Do you know how to change a diaper?
Ew, yes.

Closest green object to you?
Tiny chalk board.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
Shower.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
Asleep.

Where is your phone?
I don't know actually.

What are you excited for?
Graduation.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading e-mails.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Gabi.

Who was the last person you rode in the car with that was under 21?
Jenni.

Do you have curly hair?
Ugh, yes. HORRIBLE.

What's the last piercing you got?
My ears?

Are you mad at anyone right now?
Not really.

Do you live on your own?
Nope.

How have you felt today?
Okay, I guess.

Who was the last person you slept in a bed with?
Myself. T_T

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
Funeral.

Are you happy at the moment?
Truthfully, no.

2nd Dream

2009-04-29T00:41:00.004-05:00

We were in a small town. I was carrying my backpack from school. Eno was whistling a tune, possibly Tom Waits? Fancy that. Anyways, we walked through the town. We stopped at this small bar where we bought ...I don't remember. Nonetheless, I was underage. (lulz, sarcasm.) After a few drinks we left. It was noon, the sun was above our heads. We started walking towards the edge of town then we followed a dirt path that led to a lake. Eno walked over to a huge bush and took out a trampoline. "I should really take this back," he said, "but I really don't want to." He threw the trampoline into the lake. I couldn't help but laugh. He looked at me and smiled. He grabbed my hand and led me towards a field of sunflowers. He threw himself in the middle of the field on a nice patch of grass bringing me down with him. The weather was beautiful. It was cold, but it felt nice with the sun. We laid in the field talking. He asked me questions about my life, my dreams, and my future. I told him everything, more than I had ever told anyone. I couldn't understand why I trusted him so much. My head was on his chest, I could hear his heartbeat. It was soothing. With a jolt I sat upright. "What's wrong?" he asked. I looked at him, "None of this is real." - "Does it matter if it's real?" - "Sometimes it does," I replied, "Sometimes I need to know the difference between dreams and reality. I can't stay in this dream. It's hard loving someone when you don't even know them at all." I began to cry. He sat upright and hugged me. "Do you really love me?" He looked into my eyes. "I can't love you if I don't even know you. I only know you in dreams." I pulled away and got up. "I thought you can control your dreams." he said. "I can't do it all the time." - "But you're doing it now aren't you?" - "I don't know..I just don't know." - "Then love me in a dream, so you can love both me and someone else in real life. There is no crime to it. I will always be in your dreams, I'll never leave you. You know I won't. Dean hasn't." - "Dean, has. Dean always leaves without a moments notice. How would I know you won't either?"

I started running and I didn't stop.

It ended there.

My Eyes Are Heavy

2009-04-28T01:30:00.003-05:00

I can't sleep. I guess I have a certain thought on my mind. For the past few days I've been thinking of this man/guy/dude, whatever you want to call him. Let's give him a name.. Eno. (Just because I'm listening to Brian Eno right now.) Anyways, I don't know Eno, he's just there. I somehow came across him and I felt something towards him. Lately I've been having these outrageous dreams.

First dream: I woke up and had the urge to check DeviantArt for any messages. I turned on my computer and I had recieved a message from Eno. He drew a piece entitled "Ten Things We Should Do." I didn't understand it, but it said it was directed towards me. Eno had drawn ten different pictures of us doing really random things. I disreguarded it and got ready for school. I entered my first period class and sat down at the usually group (in which the tables where grouped in fours). I looked around trying to see where my teacher was. The board said, "Class you have a sub. Just finish your assignment that's due on Thursday." I smiled. I opened my backpack and took out my sketchbook and started doodling away. I heard somebody enter the classroom and felt them standing behind me. I didn't bother to look. "I guess you're not going to pay attention me now are you Jared." I twitched. I had never heard the voice before but I'm not commonly known as Jared at my school. I turned around to see Eno standing there. I opened my mouth but no words came out. He laughed. "Class I'll be your sub today." Christy and Angie just smiled and got back to their work. The two Brenda's and Victoria continued talking about their usual happenings. He walked over to my group and sat down ontop of the table next to me. "How are you Jared? Or.. in this case, Ashley," he said. I looked away. "Why are you here?" I asked. "Well," he said, "I was in the mood of traveling. I've been in Texas for a while, but I was running out of money. So I decided to get a job as a temporary substitute. So here I am. Did you recieve my message this morning?" I became shocked. "Are you stalking me?" I asked in a hushed tone. "No I'm not," he said, "I remember reading on one of your blogs that you lived in Texas and went to Nixon high school so I said to myself, 'she's a pretty interesting girl why not meet her.' I had no idea how to appoarch you, but I felt that whatever way I did wouldn't bother you." It was true, I really didn't care. But I was still shocked to hear this. "How do you know this?" I asked. He stared off into space, "I don't know, I want to say that I dreamt it but maybe you don't believe in those type of things. Shall we leave it at that?" And we did. He looked at my backpack, I handed it over to him. He took out a piece of paper & a pen and began doodling away. I looked back down at my sketchbook trying to figure out what to draw next. Couple of minutes later Gabi walked in while drinking a carton of orange juice through a straw. She sat down in front of me. She looked at Eno who was too busy doodling and looked back at me. "Who's the guy?" she asked. "Apparently this is our sub," I replied. She look shocked. "But dude, he looks like..." - "He is," I replied. Eno looked at her, said hello, and went back to doodling. I laughed. Gabi smiled and put her head down to take a nap. After a while, Eno grabbed my shoulder and turn me to the side. He grabbed my face and examined it. He got up close to my face staring into my eyes. I made a face and turned away. Eno grabbed my sketchbook and stuck the piece of paper into a random page. The bell rang. Everyone left the class right away, including Gabi. I got up about put my things away. "Let me walk you to the next class," he said. He turned off the classroom lights and we walked out the door. It started to rain on the way to my next period. I started to become angry and muttered underneath my breath. "What's wrong?" he asked. I sighed, "Nothing. Just that I forgot to bring my jacket so now I'm going to be wet and my second period teacher will be angry." He took of his coat and placed it around me. "There now," he said, "now you won't be as wet." - "You didn't have to do that." - "I know but I wanted to." I stopped. "What?" I looked around, "Nothing, I'm just..I don't know." He looked around. "Come with me," he said. We walked into the baseball feild area and went underneath the stands. I gave him a funny look. "What now?" I asked. He took a deep breath. "Would you fly with me?" I didn't know what to say. He gaves me two options.

Then the rest was a blur.

2nd Dream: Will be written later on once I wake up.

The bright side is that I have no school for the rest of the week. Yay! for me.

Let's Drink and Listen to Tom Waits

2009-04-27T23:33:00.002-05:00

..as we wait for realization to kick in.

I guess, you can say that you are a part of me that I wish I could see.

When is the next flight to that small town?

-----

Finally got senior recital over with.

It was good.

Virus

2009-04-26T18:37:00.002-05:00

I must admit that I'm scared. This flu virus that has been floating around Mexico is really getting me paranoid. Only because I live on the border of Texas. People from Nuevo Laredo have been wearing masks. Do they have it?

On a different note: I really need to update this.

On another note: I haven't been posting my 365 days pictures.

Oh snaaaap.

Anxiety

2009-04-26T11:10:00.002-05:00

With all the things that are happening right now,
I can't stand this anxiety growing inside of me.

Because of anxiety, I use to throw up a lot.
Now, every time I brush my teeth or cough,
I start to gag.
It's the most horrible feeling in the world.

And no, I'm not trying to gain any fuckin' sympathy.
I'm not bulimic, I'm not anorexic.
I do not care about my weight.
and I do not make myself throw up to lose weight.

I've been like this as a kid.
I've visited doctors left and right
trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
It drives me crazy at night.

Now I have this medication that I can't even stand to take.
Little pale red pills that don't even play their part.

I'm lifeless and emotionless with them.
My life has changed because of them.
Sometimes I can't breathe without them.
But I need to learn to live without them.

It's not an addiction.
It does not give me an escape.

I don't care what you fucking say.
I've been like my whole entire life.

2009-04-25T00:59:00.000-05:00

Such an amazing dream last night.
Too bad that that'll probably be the only one I'll ever have of you.
She's lucky she's found a guy like you.

Ten Things That We Should Do Together

Did you dream too?

Bedtime Stories

2009-04-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

..is actually a pretty badass movie.
The story line was kind of short, kind of lame.
But the way it was filmed and the way that is used a lot of imagination

was brilliant.

This Sunday

2009-04-19T17:24:00.000-05:00

..has ben pretty productive. :DI finally got to:
Wash clothes and my bed sheets!Paint my nails.DAVID BOWIE. :DGive the dogs a bath."Do Girly Things" that I HAVE to do, but I HATE THEM.Clean up most of my room.Organize my drawer.Found feathers I needed.Etc. :D!

And now all I "need" to do is:
Make my soccer ball.
Practice for Senior Recital.
Play WoW and level. (Probably need to pay already.)
Blah, Blah, Blah, etc.

But I'm doing great progress today. :P

Sometimes I Wish that Fact was Fiction...

2009-04-14T18:46:00.001-05:00

and my dreams were true.
It's the only way I'd ever be closer to you.
And I hate to say this, but..

..I love you.

Easter

2009-04-10T16:52:00.000-05:00

I miss having Easter at the Ranch.
It use to be so fun.
Then I guess once I got a boyfriend,
I hated it.
I think the last year I was at the ranch
was the first year we went to a different ranch
and the last time we ever spent Easter there.
And now all we go is go to Uncle Louie's house.
I remember last year having a lot of homework for A.P. History.
So I felt like I didn't really get to enjoy it.
I don't know.
Maybe this year will change.

Maybe I'll change.

I'm Just as Human as You.

2009-04-09T20:23:00.001-05:00

I have needs.
I hunger.
I fear.
I cry.
I sleep.
I wake every morning with the same routine.

The only difference is.. I dream.
And not dreaming in the sense that we all know.
There's more to it.

There's more to me.

I Love What Daniel Anderson Posted.

2009-04-09T19:00:00.000-05:00

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Tooth Fairy

This probably one of the creepiest little items of news that I have ever seen. And to think that it all happened on March 3rd, my birthday!

"FALMOUTH, Mass. (AP) - A customer shopping at a Walmart told store workers he found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was about to purchase. Police said the man found the teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet. One tooth had a filling. The customer turned the wallet and the teeth over to employees but left the store without giving his name.

Police investigating the incident told The Cape Cod Times that the teeth belong to an adult, but since there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth, they would be unable to perform DNA tests.

A Walmart spokeswoman said the company believes it was an 'isolated incident,' but will investigate."

2009-03-14T15:57:00.017-05:00

Was it just a coincidence?

2009-01-27T20:12:00.001-06:00

It's not making any sense.

My dreams are still the same.
Jumping off of buildings,
never remembering your face.

2009-01-26T23:11:00.000-06:00

I can't keep organized. D:

I'm so advanced in technology...

2009-01-26T21:38:00.001-06:00

I can't back out now.

Today we went to the Genetic Conference at TAMIU.

It was boring at first.

Then it became interesting.

Chips?

I am...still alive?

2009-01-22T09:07:00.000-06:00

I thought today was going to turn out bad, guess not. I'm another year older. Fuck. Today was fun. I got my driver's license, went to iHop with Jenni, Gabi, Alex, and Martin, made Funnel Cake, received flowers from my sister, Got a PSP and a carnivorous plant from my Daddy (Plus a David Bowie shirt soon arrive in the mail.), went to VMT with Gabi riding in the trunk since we picked up Percy, went to Tony Roma's with my parents for Dinner, and now I'm here. It was a good day. I feel like ranting. But I guess I'll save it for some other day.

Fuck damn. I'm such a spoiled kid.

2009-01-20T00:16:00.000-06:00

My Dad ordered me the David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust shirt I've been wanting! :D

Hopefully it will be here in "20 Days". LOL

Friends

2009-01-18T20:18:00.001-06:00

Huh?

Feelings are Useless.

2009-01-11T19:36:00.000-06:00

I love you and I just can't help it.

It's like if you're not even real.

It's a vicious tree!

2009-01-10T22:15:00.001-06:00

"That Gravity! It's a killer!"

Fuck. Could you feel the pain of the metal sinking in? [I get lost in my options.]

She complicates me with "love".

2009-01-10T00:16:00.002-06:00

Then I come to realize I'm in love with total strangers. The more I know about somebody, the more I hate them. The least I know somebody, I tend to fall in love with them. :/ I'm so complicated. I can never figure out myself. I'm in love with a guy because of his words that he writes. I'm in love with a boy for the way his voice sounds through a radio transmitter. I'm in love with a boy because he's not from where I live. I'm in love with a boy because he likes Brian Eno, David Bowie, and Tom Waits. I'm in love with a boy because he dreams with the stars. I'm in love with a boy because no matter how normal he may seem to be, he is the most complex.

Am I just torturing myself?

Flickr

2009-01-04T04:58:00.001-06:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

003 - 01.03.09

2009-01-03T23:03:00.000-06:00

003 - 01.03.09
Originally uploaded by Monklin

And these voices are screaming in my ears.
Who are you going to choose?
What are you going to do?
Why aren't you listening?

Photo featured in the iPod: www.flickr.com/photos/monklin/3165428110/

Angel Wings?

2009-01-02T18:39:00.002-06:00

What a horrible dream.
They inserted these two poles into my back at an angle.
And my mom was just there watching and I was screaming in pain.
I looked to the side and Autumn had them too.
What the fuck is going on?

-----

[Update: I seriously loved this dream for some reason.]

002 - 01.02.09

2009-01-02T05:02:00.000-06:00

002 - 01.02.09
Originally uploaded by Monklin

I will not be earthbound.
No matter what you say, I am an astronaut.
Even if I have to pretend.

001 - 01.01.09

2009-01-01T23:09:00.000-06:00

001 - 01.01.09
Originally uploaded by Monklin

The begining of my 365 projkkt. :]
-----
The focus is me.
The artist.
The writer.
The musician.
A mixture of emotions.
Filled with dreams of going to space.
Life is a blur when all you see is dreams.
This is me.

2009-01-01T19:00:00.001-06:00

Fiction makes me happy!

Fuck you. :P

So let's give it up for the new year.

2009-01-01T03:20:00.002-06:00

I'm alone.

So FUCKING alone.

I don't believe I have friends anymore.

It's sad that I give my life for them.

Then they just diss me.

Always Failing To Remember Why We Came, I Wonder Why We Came?

2008-12-31T03:12:00.002-06:00

By This River is really my favorite song. I really miss the cover that Brazil's Johnathon Newby did. I believe Brazil's the reason why I've fallen in love with Brian Eno. By This River somehow holds memories for me. It's a song joy and a song of sadness. The time that I feel in love with this song, I was dating a great guy who truly made me happy. Happier than I ever was with anybody else. He had so many hopes and dreams. He was one of the only people that I could talk to without being judge. I would tell him everything. Also around this time, I watched the most beautiful meteor shower ever. The Perseid's. It was incredible. Possibly the happiest day of my life, other than seeing Yanni in concert. I don't know. I hadn't really paid so much attention to this song. But right now seemed like the best time to listen to it. It has been over a year of "change". I'm realizing that growing-up is hard for me. I'm scared of the future, but I believe it will turn out okay.

I want to travel. I want to travel as far as I can. I want to photograph everything I see. I want to know about people's past, present, and future. I want to talk to strangers and have a heart-to-heart conversation. I want to meet those people that could actually change the world.

Now I feel like playing By This River on piano. <333

P.S. Giuseppe Portelli also does a beautiful cover of this song. He also created sheet music for guitar.

2008-12-31T02:58:00.003-06:00

I'm starting to feel the callus growing on the tip of my fingers again.

I am a musician.

Been writing a few sentences here and there, better than nothing.

I am a writer.

Art journal .002, a work in progress right now.

I am an artist.

My eyes seem to be hollow.

The little glisten of light is you.

Are you still, still breathing?

2008-12-29T22:31:00.002-06:00

I cannot get myself to write.

I cannot get myself to paint.

I cannot get myself to speak.

He asks me, What do you think you are?

2008-12-28T16:03:00.002-06:00

I replied... a mirror.
He nodded.
What are you?
Jazz music.
How so? he asked.
I cannot keep my thoughts straight.

I come to realize that even with friends I feel so... alone. I'm outcasted by everyone I know, and that's including family too. But at least I still have the comfort of my own room. Well, kind of. Ever since we moved into the new house, everything feels lonelier. I look outside the front window of the second floor and I can see him pass by. I regret moving here now. I didn't think he'd be around so much, but he is.

My thoughts are straying again.

Since I lost my pen drive, I barely realized that I've never saved my story anywhere else. So now, I have to start from scratch again. Fuck this shit. I hope someone I knew found it or I left it in my class. I need to ask my teacher when we go back to school from break. But I guess for now, I shall write another story. Who knows, maybe I'll end up posting it.

the energy change delta h associated with the reaction causes

2008-12-27T20:56:00.002-06:00

Oh, fuck.
Where am I going with my life?

Falling

2008-12-27T03:03:00.001-06:00

I think I'm falling for you.
But the only problem is...
I don't even know you.

Who are you?

: (

I need to...

2008-12-27T00:57:00.001-06:00

Update this.
I really do.
Why can't I?
Love is lost.
I am just a child.
I will always be a child.
I can't find anyone anymore.
I don't know anyone.
I can't relate.
Outcasted.

Change

2008-12-27T00:39:00.001-06:00

I don't update here anymore.
I only come to read certain blogs.
Find me.
Monklin.
Google it.
http://myspace.com/Monklin

They feed us shit..

2008-11-13T05:07:00.000-06:00

through televisions.

I want you to break my heart so badly..

2008-11-11T07:41:00.000-06:00

so I could just stop liking you.

Autumn.

When will this madness end?

College Classes

2008-11-11T03:45:00.000-06:00

Srsly suck.

It's not that the work is hard.

It's just hard to get into the habbit of actually doing work.

Lies

2008-11-10T08:50:00.000-06:00

Everybody Lies.

Pain Is Only a Pulse

2008-11-10T08:22:00.000-06:00

I just want to SCREAM.
Screaming Apples & Atoms.

Cobra Starship

2008-11-10T01:28:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I went with Jenni, Percy, and Jenni's sister Sharron
to the Cobra Starship concert in San Antonio.
It was just amazing.
Since we were part of the first 50 people to get pre-sale tickets,
we had the chance to meet Cobra Starship.
Sadly, we didn't get to meet Gabe because he couldn't talk
and they wanted for him to save his voice for the show.
But we got to meet the rest of the band. :]
They all liked my bandanna/handkerchief.
And they got to sign it. :D
We also got to be in the front of everyone at the concert.
Sing It Loud and Forever the Sickest Kids did a good job.
And Cobra Starship was amazing
even if Gabe's voice kept dying out on us.
But it's okay, he dances super hawt. ;D
The only thing that sucked about it,
were this chicks behind us that were pushing us
and getting on top of us.
Those bitches.
But other than that,it was so fucking amazing.
:D :D :D :D :D
I bought a hoodie.
w00t.

As Shitty as a Day Can Be..

2008-11-07T07:30:00.000-06:00

listening to music changes everything.

Even if a band's not together anymore,

it doesn't mean that people stop listening.

I seriously wish I could've seen Brazil in concert.

My CDs came in the mail today.

Thank you, Daddy!

For getting them for me.

♥

Misery

2008-11-07T01:13:00.001-06:00

I had a dream that I shot Autumn in the head.

It was horrible.

I really don't know why I did it.

It started off like this:

There was a party at my friend's house.

He came up to me talking to me and telling me he likes me.

I walked away and went outside to puke.

"Stop toying with my emotions."

I screamed.

I left.

I was in a car with two people in a gas station parking lot.

They started to do crack and I just got out of the car trying to leave.

Then a girl comes up to me and presses a gun against my back.

She tells me, "Don't move, come back with me or they will kill us both."

I stayed in my place and told her to just shoot me already.

She started to cry.

Some man with another gun came and puts the head to my head.

I punched him in the stomach and I grabbed his gun

and shot him three times in the face.

The bullets shattered before it left the gun.

It always happens in my dreams.

Then Autumn comes and laughs in my face.

I hit him with the back of the gun and shot him in the head.

I dropped the gun and just walked away.

Someone shot me three times.

Tiny pieces of bullets were scattered on my right arm and my back.

I fell to the floor gasping for air and I died.

I woke up miserable.

I was gasping for air.

I realize that I can't forget about him.

What am I to do now?

When did my dream...

2008-11-05T08:48:00.000-06:00

of going to New York die?

When "they" said we'd go together.

When did New York become a PLAN?

Three's company.

I don't remember sending an invitation.

Stomach the Hurt

2008-11-03T04:48:00.001-06:00

I just finished the Amory Wars:

The Second Stage Turbine Blade.

Pretty interesting.

._.

I seriously have been wanting

to read Claudio Sanchez's stuff.
I must convince my dad to buy me that camera.

Or those headphones.

When have I become so materialistic?

Well, at least I admit it.

And I feel closer.

I Must Admit

2008-11-02T05:29:00.000-06:00

..you are sly.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-01T20:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was pretty fun.

Jenni, Percy, Gabi, and I went ToT.

We got pretty good candy.

Then we went to iHop

and Jenni forgot her pancakes onto of the car.

This chuke knocked on Jenni's car window

and Percy screamed.

So Jenni just left.

Then we realized she left her pancakes on the car.

It was pretty hilarious but I felt kind of bad.

Other than that:-

Smarite looked SMEXI as the Joker. :P

- I still can't get the make-up off mah face.

- I now want to be Rorshach for next year.

- Some guys need to fuck off and not talk about the sky with me

because I don't find the sky "romantic" or "loving"

when you talk about it.

Srsly, gtfo.

Overall, Halloween was fun. :]

Survey Says All.

2008-10-29T05:23:00.000-05:00

Is there someone you know you should hate, but you can't?

Yes.

Is it sad that I care?

2008-10-29T03:21:00.000-05:00

Is it sad that I care...

- about someone I don't even know?

- about someone who doesn't even like me as a person?

- about someone who's so shallow?

I hate this.

------------

I have been a world apart
Stuck in between time
Head into the ground I'm found
Falling through fault lines
I feel see through
Can you see through me?
Could I change one thing?
Could I change your mind?

Blaqk Audio

Just My Luck.

2008-10-24T17:31:00.000-05:00

I got sick a week before Halloween.
Shit.
And my period will come soon.
Nuff said.

[I missed school today, I should've gone.]

I'm stuck in between time.

2008-10-21T01:50:00.000-05:00

Computer's back.
I received a postcard from Turkey.
:D
These next four weeks are going to be good.
Practice tomorrow.
Then wrestling.
Oh yesh!
[P.S. I'm addicted to the Phantom Hourglass.]

Technology Sucks.

2008-10-19T14:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes.

Computer still down.