Always Failing To Remember Why We Came, I Wonder Why We Came?

By This River is really my favorite song. I really miss the cover that Brazil's Johnathon Newby did. I believe Brazil's the reason why I've fallen in love with Brian Eno. By This River somehow holds memories for me. It's a song joy and a song of sadness. The time that I feel in love with this song, I was dating a great guy who truly made me happy. Happier than I ever was with anybody else. He had so many hopes and dreams. He was one of the only people that I could talk to without being judge. I would tell him everything. Also around this time, I watched the most beautiful meteor shower ever. The Perseid's. It was incredible. Possibly the happiest day of my life, other than seeing Yanni in concert. I don't know. I hadn't really paid so much attention to this song. But right now seemed like the best time to listen to it. It has been over a year of "change". I'm realizing that growing-up is hard for me. I'm scared of the future, but I believe it will turn out okay.

I want to travel. I want to travel as far as I can. I want to photograph everything I see. I want to know about people's past, present, and future. I want to talk to strangers and have a heart-to-heart conversation. I want to meet those people that could actually change the world.

Now I feel like playing By This River on piano. <333

P.S. Giuseppe Portelli also does a beautiful cover of this song. He also created sheet music for guitar.

I'm starting to feel the callus growing on the tip of my fingers again.

I am a musician.

Been writing a few sentences here and there, better than nothing.

I am a writer.

Art journal .002, a work in progress right now.

I am an artist.

My eyes seem to be hollow.

The little glisten of light is you.

Are you still, still breathing?

I cannot get myself to write.

I cannot get myself to paint.

I cannot get myself to speak.

He asks me, What do you think you are?

I replied... a mirror.
He nodded.
What are you?
Jazz music.
How so? he asked.
I cannot keep my thoughts straight.

I come to realize that even with friends I feel so... alone. I'm outcasted by everyone I know, and that's including family too. But at least I still have the comfort of my own room. Well, kind of. Ever since we moved into the new house, everything feels lonelier. I look outside the front window of the second floor and I can see him pass by. I regret moving here now. I didn't think he'd be around so much, but he is.

My thoughts are straying again.

Since I lost my pen drive, I barely realized that I've never saved my story anywhere else. So now, I have to start from scratch again. Fuck this shit. I hope someone I knew found it or I left it in my class. I need to ask my teacher when we go back to school from break. But I guess for now, I shall write another story. Who knows, maybe I'll end up posting it.

the energy change delta h associated with the reaction causes

Oh, fuck.
Where am I going with my life?

Falling

I think I'm falling for you.
But the only problem is...
I don't even know you.

Who are you?

: (

I need to...

Update this.
I really do.
Why can't I?
Love is lost.
I am just a child.
I will always be a child.
I can't find anyone anymore.
I don't know anyone.
I can't relate.
Outcasted.

Change

I don't update here anymore.
I only come to read certain blogs.
Find me.
Monklin.
Google it.
http://myspace.com/Monklin

They feed us shit..

through televisions.

I want you to break my heart so badly..

so I could just stop liking you.

Autumn.

When will this madness end?

:(

College Classes

Srsly suck.

It's not that the work is hard.

It's just hard to get into the habbit of actually doing work.

Lies

Everybody Lies.

Pain Is Only a Pulse

I just want to SCREAM.
Screaming Apples & Atoms.

Cobra Starship

Yesterday I went with Jenni, Percy, and Jenni's sister Sharron
to the Cobra Starship concert in San Antonio.
It was just amazing.
Since we were part of the first 50 people to get pre-sale tickets,
we had the chance to meet Cobra Starship.
Sadly, we didn't get to meet Gabe because he couldn't talk
and they wanted for him to save his voice for the show.
But we got to meet the rest of the band. :]
They all liked my bandanna/handkerchief.
And they got to sign it. :D
We also got to be in the front of everyone at the concert.
Sing It Loud and Forever the Sickest Kids did a good job.
And Cobra Starship was amazing
even if Gabe's voice kept dying out on us.
But it's okay, he dances super hawt. ;D
The only thing that sucked about it,
were this chicks behind us that were pushing us
and getting on top of us.
Those bitches.
But other than that,it was so fucking amazing.
:D :D :D :D :D
I bought a hoodie.
w00t.

As Shitty as a Day Can Be..

listening to music changes everything.

Even if a band's not together anymore,

it doesn't mean that people stop listening.

I seriously wish I could've seen Brazil in concert.

My CDs came in the mail today.

:D

Thank you, Daddy!

For getting them for me.

♥

Misery

I had a dream that I shot Autumn in the head.

It was horrible.

I really don't know why I did it.

It started off like this:

There was a party at my friend's house.

He came up to me talking to me and telling me he likes me.

I walked away and went outside to puke.

"Stop toying with my emotions."

I screamed.

I left.

I was in a car with two people in a gas station parking lot.

They started to do crack and I just got out of the car trying to leave.

Then a girl comes up to me and presses a gun against my back.

She tells me, "Don't move, come back with me or they will kill us both."

I stayed in my place and told her to just shoot me already.

She started to cry.

Some man with another gun came and puts the head to my head.

I punched him in the stomach and I grabbed his gun

and shot him three times in the face.

The bullets shattered before it left the gun.

It always happens in my dreams.

Then Autumn comes and laughs in my face.

I hit him with the back of the gun and shot him in the head.

I dropped the gun and just walked away.

Someone shot me three times.

Tiny pieces of bullets were scattered on my right arm and my back.

I fell to the floor gasping for air and I died.

I woke up miserable.

I was gasping for air.

I realize that I can't forget about him.

What am I to do now?

When did my dream...

of going to New York die?

When "they" said we'd go together.

When did New York become a PLAN?

Three's company.

I don't remember sending an invitation.

Stomach the Hurt

I just finished the Amory Wars:

The Second Stage Turbine Blade.

Pretty interesting.

._.

I seriously have been wanting

to read Claudio Sanchez's stuff.
I must convince my dad to buy me that camera.

D:

Or those headphones.

When have I become so materialistic?

Well, at least I admit it.

And I feel closer.

I Must Admit

..you are sly.

Happy Halloween

Yesterday was pretty fun.

Jenni, Percy, Gabi, and I went ToT.

We got pretty good candy.

Then we went to iHop

and Jenni forgot her pancakes onto of the car.

This chuke knocked on Jenni's car window

and Percy screamed.

So Jenni just left.

Then we realized she left her pancakes on the car.

It was pretty hilarious but I felt kind of bad.

XD

Other than that:-

Smarite looked SMEXI as the Joker. :P

- I still can't get the make-up off mah face.

- I now want to be Rorshach for next year.

- Some guys need to fuck off and not talk about the sky with me

because I don't find the sky "romantic" or "loving"

when you talk about it.

Srsly, gtfo.

Overall, Halloween was fun. :]

Survey Says All.

Is there​ someo​ne you know you shoul​d hate,​​ but you can'​​t?

​​Yes.

Is it sad that I care?

Is it sad that I care...

- about someone I don't even know?

- about someone who doesn't even like me as a person?

- about someone who's so shallow?

I hate this.

------------

I have been a world apart
Stuck in between time
Head into the ground I'm found
Falling through fault lines
I feel see through
Can you see through me?
Could I change one thing?
Could I change your mind?

Blaqk Audio

Just My Luck.

I got sick a week before Halloween.
Shit.
And my period will come soon.
Nuff said.

[I missed school today, I should've gone.]

I'm stuck in between time.

Computer's back.
I received a postcard from Turkey.
:D
These next four weeks are going to be good.
Practice tomorrow.
Then wrestling.
Oh yesh!
[P.S. I'm addicted to the Phantom Hourglass.]

Technology Sucks.

Sometimes.

Computer still down.

I rather be alone.

Why does everything have to be your way or no way?
Fuck this.
Fuck technology.
Fuck Autumn.

I believe it’s time to...

Paint.

Something I haven't done in a long while.

This music is inspiring.

And I'm Drifting Into Space.

And it's hard to explain.

But the time is circling the moon.

Then suddenly,

the light goes out

and we're in the middle of the street

watching the moon fade away once again.

There is no canopy of stars till after midnight.

I Miss the Old Days

..when my dad would put on the bedsheets for me after they've been washed.
Now I have to do it myself.

Damn, this sucks.

I wish..

we never crossed paths, Autumn.
I can't handle being in the same place with you.
I can't stand the sight of you anymore.
I can't stop having feelings towards you.

I was Walking on Water

But then I realized...it was only half a centimeter deep.

This City is Haunted

Lately,

I've been having a harder time telling the difference

between dreams and reality.

And somehow,

it's starting to scare me a bit.

First I find myself starring at the ceiling trying to fall asleep,

and the next thing I knowI'm jumping off of the tops of buildings.

For example,

today I had a dream about Autumn.

We, not completely.

I was at home bored to death,

so I decided to break into my class's lab.

and take all the chemicals to make bombs.

The next thing I know,

some drug gang was running after me

trying to get me to surrender the acid.

I ran into a building and climbed all the way to the top.

Once I reached the top of the building,

I just jumped off.

For a while I was free-falling

then all of a sudden I looked up and I was flying.

I landed on another building.

I open a door and there was this beach.

I felt like I've been there before.

Somehow, I knew someone was there watching me.

I walked towards the ocean and into the water.

Then there was this path going straight into the horizon.

It was elevated above the water

and just kept getting higher and higher.

I walked down the path.

Another road came into view

and somehow became one path with mine.

Autumn started walking next to me.

Then somehow,we were above the atmosphere.

We just kept walking

and never met eye-to-eye

or even faced each other.

But we knew why we were walking together.

[But don't ask, cause in a sense...I cannot explain.]

Anyways...

Finally after passing planets upon planets

and stars upon stars,

we stopped.

The road split into two paths again.

He needed to go leftand I needed to go right.

He gave me a hug

and I knew why we had to separate.

So I just walked on

and on the side

there was an orchestra.

This violin player walked with me

and kept speaking to me.

I did not understand what he was saying.

I just nodded.

Then the path went straight down like slide.

I looked at the violin player.

He smiled and said,

"Follow me! Come on!"

And he jumps down the path.

I closed my eyes and jumped down.

I woke up with a jolt.

The emotions felt so real.

Everything was so real.

Then I close my eyes and I find myself

sitting on the ground with Percy while reading my comic.

I closed my eyes again

and I was talking to Gabi during lunch.

I just remember flashes of certain things.

Is something wrong?

Autumn and Winter

Both so cold-hearted.

Will the seasons change?

Walking down a path,

marching forward for days without an end.

No words ever spoken,

no eyes that ever met.

Then finally, a stop.

The path splits into two.

For the first time we met face to face.

I'll take the left,

and you'll take the right.

We knew things would change.

We knew that even if we never met,

crossing paths was the best mistake we've ever made.

Yet the feeling is mutual.

Scribbles, si?

Such a Beautiful..

voice.

Such a Beautiul Smile.

Why, Autumn?

...why?

Ordered Religions

Is for fools, yo'.
Fuck my life.
I really DON'T want to go to church.
I hate it, I hate it , I hate it.
I'm sorry, but I just can't follow everyone else.
I do believe there's something out there.
Maybe not our God that we believe in.
But there's something else.
And unlike my religion,
I believe we are reincarnated after we die.
Not live eternally in an afterlife.
Hmph.
Who knows?

Would you fall in love?

And will it not be me?
There's something missing.
And I can't help but watch you slowly fade away.
You know there's something more.
Maybe, I'm lost, Autumn.
Maybe...
we're suppose stay this way.
Maybe...
we're meant to be enemies for the rest of this life.
Maybe in the next life,
we could be something more.

When will sun set for the last time?

Sirens

I keep hearing too many sirens
And all I can think about is you burning the city down,
with you standing on the building tops
glowing with joy and with fiery hate.
Isn't it beautiful, Autumn?
Don't you just love it when the chaos calms your nerves?

Autumn, will you be my arsonist?

-----

I'm still so lost. I don't know weither to like you and try to do something about it. Or forget about you and move away from this place. We're so alike, and it's too hard for me to live like this. Only one of us can be the ONE. Only one of us can be above the rest. I don't blame you.

"We are oft to blame,in this 'tis too much proved, that with devotion's visage and pious action, we do sugar ov'r the Devil himself."

M.C. Hammer

OMFG, THY PUT NELLY ON THE LIST.
THOSE BITCHES.
THAT I DON'T MIND.
BUT MC HAMMER?
WTF.
STUPID DOUCHECUNTS.

MC HAMMER IS THE FUCKIN' BEST!

The 25 Worst Rappers Of All-Time
Posted Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:53pm PDT by Rob O'Connor in List Of The Day

It's said he who doesn't remember history is doomed to repeat it. Well, how does that explain cable television? Vanilla Ice has a new "Greatest Hits" album just out that redefines both the words "Greatest" and "Hits" simultaneously! That shows more genius than his entire career. But be warned, if you celebrate his banal awfulness, you will only be further rewarded with more of the same. The MC Hammer comeback will spring into full force. Nelly will re-find his magical band-aid and Fred Durst will be given a reason to exist. We need to save the planet now. I don't want to say that ignoring Will Smith can have the same effect on the environment as cutting down greenhouse gas emissions, but what if it turned out to be true?

Here are the 25 Worst Rappers of All-Time. We might have a 26th to add if Bill Cosby gets his act together and releases the "rap" album he threatens!

25) Chicago Bears: The Chicago Bears are a professional football team based in Chicago, Illinois. In 1985, before winning the Super Bowl they daringly commemorated their proud achievement with "The Super Bowl Shuffle," a rap tune that made this group of on the field tough guys look like an ineffective glee club. Did they really psych out their opponents with this? So why didn't they record a follow-up? They didn't win the Super Bowl the next year. Honorable mention goes to the Miami Dolphins, the San Francisco 49ers, the L.A. Raiders, the Cincinnati Bengals and the L.A. Rams, other football teams who couldn't resist the urge to kick back a few beats and look more than a little silly.

24) Bubba Sparxxx: Cut from much of the same cloth as Fred Durst, here's another earnest white boy looking to earn his street cred by exhibiting talents he doesn't actually have. You know how a kid will brag that his TV is bigger than your TV and then never get around to showing you this "Big TV"? That's kind of what a Bubba Sparxxx album is like. You keep hearing about how cool and assured he is, but you never actually hear any music that backs up the claim. Guest appearing on tracks by Limp Bizkit and Justin Timberlake should make you very nervous, despite some legit rappers claiming he's OK.

23) Mike Jones: He can't rap, but he sure knows how to make friends. Putting his cellphone number on his T-Shirts ensured that Mike would never be lonely. But can you really trust a rapper whose track "Houston Dynamo (Don't Play)" is the official team anthem for the Houston Dynamos? A soccer team?

22) Bobby Jimmy And The Critters: In the 1980s, it was only a matter of time before someone decided to parody rap music. Weird Al was slow on the draw here. So this Los Angeles group did the honors with such "timeless" classics as "Gotta Potty," "Ugly Knuckle Butt" and "Somebody Farted." I know it sounds pretty good, classy even, but fart jokes get old quick no matter who's doing the telling.

21) 2 Live Crew: Oh, I know they stand for the first amendment. And "Me So Horny" deserves its rightful place in our cultural lexicon. But take away the historical importance and the one-joke wonder of it all and you're left with a crew of dudes who had to break up before everyone figured out they didn't know what the hell they were doing.

20) Nelly: Whoa, Nelly! Yeah, the band-aid was a great gimmick and noting that when it gets hot, it's man's natural instinct to want to take off his clothes, well, that's priceless, too. Maybe his next album Brass Knuckles, slated for release in a few months, will show us a new side to this flat-screen rapper. Surely, he's had time to find qualified producers and to bone up on his diction to make it sound like something more than reading off of cue cards.

19) Dan Aykroyd And Tom Hanks: Dan Aykroyd at least can claim he's a comedian but Tom Hanks is just an actor who's been cast in comedic roles and worn dresses. "City Of Crime" runs through the credits of their 1987 film Dragnet and they even made a video for it, suggesting they had ideas of branching out beyond their acting community. The hip-hop community apparently didn't welcome them with open arms, saving us from further inept endeavors. They make Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase, Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy's rap attempts sound nearly legitimate by comparison. That's going some!

18) Chingy: You know an "artist" is really hitting a nerve when they inspire an onslaught of negative reviews at every website you visit. The consensus seems to be: "This guy's beats are terrible and his lyrics are stupid, degrading and barely literate at best." And we're guessing that came from his mom. I didn't need to read all 385 one star reviews to be tipped off to just how much other people don't admire this man's talent. To think he owns houses in multiple cities, partners a restaurant in Miami and has appeared on The George Lopez Show as himself! Someone's got a bit of explaining to do.

17) Elvira: Cassandra Peterson had a perfectly legitimate career as "Elvira" the devilishly seductive vampire. Had she formed a Goth Metal group, it might have made sense, but in 1988 she opted for "The Elvira Rap," a charmingly inept attempt at doing what she does poorly. But she didn't stop there. "The Monsta' Rap" followed. Fool us once, shame on us. Twice, it's your problem, sista!

16) Insane Clown Posse: Face paint, bad rap-metal, once out of rhymes begin spraying their audiences with soda, Insane Clown Posse have all the hallmarks of a bad hype and the terrible, terrible records to back it up. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope don't do much of anything well. Which explains why they hide their true identities. They make Kiss, their obvious influence, seem like the apex of modern culture in comparison. On the bright side, perhaps it's ICP's lame attempts at rap that have stopped Kiss and their accountants from considering a similar move.

15) Rappin' Duke: Any rapper who boasts of working the mic at Ponderosa isn't likely to be taken seriously. His other claim in his self-titled rap 'Rappin' Duke" that Kurtis Blow and Run DMC wouldn't have heard of rap were it not for the "Rappin' Duke" is as ludicrous as his boast that no rapper would exist after him. The Rappin' Duke never had a career beyond this single (there is a second single believe it or not called "The Duke Is Back" on famed Tommy Boy Records, but he apparently was not, in fact, "back"). That's what you get when you choose John Wayne as your point of hip-hop reference. Sorry, partner.

14) Master P: It isn't until you get to the chorus of Master P's Grammy-winning hit "Make 'Em Say Ugh" that you realize just how bad this is going to be. P doesn't show much promise on the verses, but the guttural, food poisoning groan of nausea that provides the tune with its "hook," is among the genre's dumbest and least appealing. He has made a career out of moaning "Ugh." Of course, this success has been off the chart, ranking him in Forbes as one of the most successful entertainers and entrepreneurs. Thankfully, he now serves as a Youth Ambassador for the NAACP, a move that should lead to fewer musical endeavors. Only God Can Judge Me may be the name of one of his albums, but I prefer to let the people decide this one.

13) Tony Yayo: Being the weakest link in any ensemble brings its own cross to bear. Why do you think Professor Griff was always the most annoyed member of Public Enemy, after all? As a member of G-Unit, Yayo was clearly the caboose of the group. If he really calls his latest album I Am 50's Tax Write-Off, which wouldn't be a bad idea, it would save the IRS time when the audit comes due and blatantly remind everyone he was in a group with 50 Cent. A better idea than Thoughts Of A Predicate Felon. The guy goes to prison on a weapons possession charge, but decides it's better to hype being an Outlaw Of Grammar?

12) Northern State: While some people assume that anyone who can speak can rap, it's not quite that easy. Just as a singer must master pitch and tone, a rapper needs to sound natural. Nothing about this female Long Island trio ever sounds natural. They don't try to pretend they're anything they're not. But being well-educated, literate nerds from Long Island who name-check Al Gore doesn't for convincing rappers make. Grabbing Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys to produce their album doesn't lend "credibility" either. It looks desperate. And having your tracks featured on Grey's Anatomy is just weird.

11) Shaquille O'Neal: Now I love watching Shaq stand over the basketball net and push the ball in with his hand. Being 12 feet tall has its advantages. Rapping isn't one of them. It doesn't make you sound better. If a midget like the Geto Boys' Bushwick Bill can get it so right, how is it that Shaq could get it so wrong? Well, as Bushwick would tell you "Size Ain't (expletive deleted)." Sure he can wax personal "Biological Didn't Bother" but bad puns like "Can't Stop the Reign" and "Blaq Supaman" (that's not even a pun, that's goofy spelling) just don't quite match up to what he's capable of on the basketball courts.

10) Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch: I believed them when they rapped "I Need Money." That sounded like the truth. But I draw the line when they title an album Music For The People. Why? What did the people ever do to you, Marky Mark? We certainly didn't ask for this music and if we did we should have been more specific. We wanted it to be better, that's for sure. But Marky Mark saw it coming. He knew he had a better career in underwear ads (calling David Beckham!) and in movies. Which is why we don't get to enjoy any new music from him anymore. Somehow, I think we'll make it.

9) K-Fed: When being married to Britney Spears is your greatest artistic accomplishment, you join a long line of Yoko Onos waiting for their eventual artistic validation. Someday, an ironic hip-hop group will no doubt celebrate Playing With Fire, Kevin Earl Federline's debut album. But for now, we're content to pretend it never happened. We'll let him keep custody of his children, but he must promise us to never make another album for as long as he shall live.

8) Will Smith: The people who vote in the Grammy Awards might very well be drunk when they do so. Or maybe they don't listen to the records they vote for. Now rap music wasn't really enjoyed by the "establishment" back in the 1980s, so they were primarily guessing at what the "kids" were listening to. And "Parents Just Don't Understand" was obviously a pretty "wacky" "rebellious" little number with all that clever rhyming! And Will Smith was certainly still "safe" enough to not inspire too much controversy. Which is exactly why he's a lousy rapper. And why Smith got out of there and into acting before everyone caught on.

7) Mr. T: Yes, I pity the fool who thought Mr. T had a career singing, rapping and wearing extremely short camouflage shorts and stretched to the knee tube socks while telling you to treat your mother right. From his instructional video Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool. Why take advice from a guy who seems to have opted for the latter?

6) Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit): You have to question anyone who participates in a group that applauds its own erectile dysfunction. "Rap-metal" sounds like a bad idea, even before you hear how poorly it's executed. Ice-T couldn't pull it off with Body Count and these clowns can't even get the metal part right. So you can only imagine what happens when a rhythmically challenged singer attempts to show his "street cred" by enlisting the help of Method Man, who should've known better than to associate with a group whose stage props have included playing in a toilet. Some hints are more than hints.

5) Puff Daddy: P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, no matter what name you give him, his rapping doesn't improve. Sure, he's been a successful entrepreneur. Apparently, he can sell anything. He sold the idea of talking over a perfectly legitimate hit single by the Police as one of his own creations and winning a Grammy for his troubles. Again, are these people drunk when they vote?

4) Dee Dee King: As the bass player for the Ramones, Dee Dee Ramone was very good at counting off "1-2-3-4" and then playing his bass notes very fast. He didn't sing particularly well, but as a punk rocker he didn't need to. He wrote a handful of great songs. But then he decided he wanted more. He wanted to escape the artistic box that was the Ramones and establish his own identity--as a rapper! We only acknowledge what Dee Dee himself acknowledged. He truly was the "baddest rapper in Whitestone, Queens." R.I.P.

3) Brian Austin Green: Brian Austin Green from the hit TV program Beverly Hills 90210 released a rap album in 1996 with tracks such as "That's Right" featuring the Black Eyed Peas, "Style Iz It," "Didn't Have A Clue" and "Beauty and Da Beats." I believe these titles reflect his passion. And if "sounds great while sleeping in a shopping mall" can be construed as a compliment, then I'm among his biggest fans and--though I hadn't realized it until now--have been anxiously awaiting his "comeback" for 12 years now!

2) MC Hammer: "U Can't Touch This" was first described to me as someone repeatedly yelling "Stop, It's Hammer Time!" over Rick James' "Superfreak." Sounded like a bad idea. Sounded like a bad joke. Then I heard it. MC Hammer went on to sell millions of albums. Some people even took to dressing like him. Yet somehow he never managed to turn this into another marketing line, not even for glasses. That's how he ended up on reality TV, I guess.

1) Vanilla Ice: Whether Suge Knight ever actually dangled Robert Van Winkle, Mr. Vanilla Ice, from a balcony or not, the point intended is an important one: STOP MAKING RAP RECORDS. "Ice Ice Baby" isn't so much a bad song as simply an insult. Instead of making a low-rent porn video, Ice makes Cool As Ice, a film so bad it almost makes you wish he'd stuck to making records.

FOCUS

Yet, I'm still slacking off. Especially with a "college course". I think I'm going to fail English. Ugh. Why did I have to be cursed with a stupid classthat never learns to SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'm so annoyed by them. Mr. Buckley changed our seats around. Now I'm stuck with two people I really don't talk with. I was totally fine next to Jerry. I can't focus anymore. My days are spent waiting for the day to end. Maybe I'm depressed. Nah. I don't know. And fuck. That stupid guy wanted to higher the price of the house AGAIN. Fuck him, fuck that house. I don't my parents to pay so much moneyfor a fucking pre-smoked cancer-filled house. I hope that guy lives in a shithole. NO. I hope that he rots in that stupid house. I wish I didn't live in such a heavily drugged neighbourhood. Fuck my life, seriously. I need change, NOW.

Change is Beautiful.

Well, maybe not all the time. I just want to get this year over already. I'm tired of everyone. I'm tired of everyone being so dumb. I don't want to be a kid anymore. I want to take full responsibility for my actions. I want to get away from this place. I hate Laredo. And I hate almost everyone in it. I'm so bothered. And this feeling of loneliness. Obviously the people who I were friends with last yearjust aren't the same people this year. Always canceling plans, not even listening to my opinions. Sometimes I can't even stand the sight of them anymore. I don't even want to hear their stupid voices. I shut almost everyone out. And my trust in them? That lowered 99%. Who can I trust now? Nobody. Anybody that tells me, "we'll always be friends!" Usually are the first ones to go. And yes, I've always been this cold-hearted. I've never shown it because I've always wore a stupid mask. Well I'm tired of it. No more. No more "plans." No more relationships. No more best friends. No more fake laughter. If you don't want the real me,then don't bother talking to me. I don't want a fake friendships anymore.

U2, Crotches, and Sushi, Oh My!

Today was filled with wonderful adventures and estrogen!
[Except for Louis.]
I got my hair trimmed.
I got a Mr. Freeze Lego toy in my happy meal.
I signed up for driving tomorrow.
[Wish me luck.]
And I got to hang out with some lovely friends. :D
Hippie, Ana, Meagan, Louis, and I went to the planetarium.
We saw the U2 show again.
It was Meagan's and Louis's first time going.
We kept talking about Bono's sexy crotch.
But Louis might be greedy and keep it all to himself.
After that, we went to eat at Koto's.It was fun. :]
Meagan's driving is craz-eh.
But I love it!
And I drove home, while endangering Hippie's life. XD
To sum it all up,today was a great day. :]

Some Dreams are So Powerful,

That They Become Reality.

I am not a person, nor a human.

I am an idea.

Autumn is Changing.

I blurred out the noise,
the screaming of Viva Mexico!
I looked up at the sky.
I closed my eyes as I felt the Autumn breeze.

Autumn?
Could it be?
There was a flash.
You were sitting in front of me.
Your smile.
Then opened my eyes and I saw a clear blue sky.
I thought I had forgotten about you.
I thought you were gone.
Why must you be there?

Maybe the truth is,
I cannot live without you.
You see,
without you,
my ego wouldn't be like yours.
I'd be higher.
I'd be overpowering.
But you.
You kept it at the same level.
We met eye to eye.
You changed me.
I saw the same hate as you did.
I felt the same way.
But I could not speak.
I could not tell you,
show you.
You did not let me in.
But maybe because I alredy knew.
I've lied to you.
I've lied to you more than you'll ever know.
But behind those lies were truth.
Truth that only you would know.
Truth that cannot be seen.

You are the immovable object.
I am the unstoppable force.

We are such strange Egos, aren't we Autumn?

Finding Love at the Pulga.

Last week I told my dad I wanted to go to the Pulga
on Sunday just for the hell of it and he said okay,
but I guess today I totally forgot all about it.

On our way home, when my dad and I left from my Gramma's house
He turned on a street that he never goes through.
He ends up parking next to this random place.
I asked him, "What are we doing here?"
And he replies,
"DIDN'T YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PULGA?
NEVERMIND, LET'
S GO HOME THEN!"
I yelled, "NOOO, NEVER!"
and jumped out of the car.
My dad started laughing and just got out of the car.

We started walking around the Pulga and stuff,
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!
THERE WAS A COMIC BOOK STAND!
IT WAS LIKE... THE DC JACKPOT!
So my daddy ended up buying me 10 Batman comics.
:D
I was so happy!
And only for 4 bucks.

Plus, the guy gave me three posters of
Captain America
Vampirella
and
Wolverine.


Today was awesome.
:D

And I drove home.
XD

Yay!

I love my Daddy! :D

The Case of the Giggles

Today was mega-random.
Percy wasn't there in the morning,
but it's okay.
Chembridge was boring,
Gabi wasn't there either.
BIMM was dumb.
Like always.
Accounting was interesting?
I'm learning.
Calculus was confusing,
but I loved it anyways!
:D
Lunch was eh?
Hinojosa's class was okay.
I like the new songs we got.
Cosa punched me mega-hard.
I laughed so much.
Blumberg sucks.
Mr. Buckley was "serious" today.
My dad drove me to the Civic Center,
and from there I drove to my Willita's house
and drove us home.
It was my first time on the streets!
:D
At this rate,
I'll drive by myself instead of with a partner for Driver's Ed.
Hopefully I can finish before my birthday.
Yay.
My sister's coming today!
:D :D :D :D :D
I've been so happy.
It's crazy.
I feel almost human.

I love talking business with my father.

Lecturas, Lecturas, y mas Lecturas!

Today was interesting.
Another video lecture in Chembridge.
BIMM is too easy for me,
but I don't think that ASSHOLE is going to give me a good grade.
Fuck him.
Accounting was pretty boring.
No new material.
Calculus was fairly easy.
I hope I passed my test.
I was really aiming for that 110.
:[
But I didn't make it.
Whatever.
It's okay, I guess.
Lunch was filling, for once.
Hinojosa made us do sectionals.
D:
I hate the song we're playing.
Mr. Blumberg smells like ass, seriously.
I guess 'cause he's old.
English was alright.
We continued watching the 13th Warrior.
Antonio Banderas is Sexy.
I need to finish my comic strip for that class.
And I still need to do the last one.
Pizza + Milk = Puke.
The Limit Does Not Exist.
Driving was better.
I pissed off the car behind me because I was going slow.
My daddy gets paranoid a lot.
Poor Daddy.
Mommy will be proud of me.
I bought a Nixon bracelet.
I just wanted to make her happy.

BRING ON HURRICANE IKE!

Let the hurricane set in motion.

Atoms & Blackholes & Limits, Oh My!

Yay for blackholes sucking up Earth!
That's what happens when we mess with science too much.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080911/ap_on_sc/big_bang;_ylt=AiyTizOQV0bYoWHxh9SANIIPLBIF

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/09/10/black-hole-cern.html

"According to Wilczek, that's too small for the baby black hole to eat enough particles to grow to any real size. With no food, the black hole will simply wink out of existence in a fraction of a second."

They make blackholes sound like ittybitty tinywiny cute chubbi slug monsters.

This quote reminds me of Science of Sleep.

"That means even if a black hole were created in Geneva it would have no effect on humanity at large. But, for curiosity's sake, just what would happen to someone if they were dropped into a supermassive black hole, like the one at the center of the galaxy?

"At first they might not even notice," said Wilczek. "We could be in a black hole right now and we wouldn't even know it," since information can't escape a black hole.

Eventually, however, the person would start to feel the forces. The huge differences in gravity in the black hole would slowly stretch a person out while simultaneously compressing his or her sides. Eventually, a person would stretch out like a strand of spaghetti."

Stephane: I DON'T WANT to be spaghetti!

We had our first lecture for Chembridge today.
We didn't finish.
Poor Gabi fell asleep.
The Limit is Tu.
8D
Today's Calculus homework is challenging.
I need sleep.
Now.
BIMM SUCKS.
I went driving with my dad again.
And it rained!
I skiddedededededed.
Just a bit.

Stephane: It's like touching your penis with your left hand.
Stéphanie: I don't have a penis.
Stephane: But you have a left hand.

8D

Stephane: I like your boobs. They're very friendly and unpretentious.

You are the Sin (Pi/2) ...

In my limit. <3

Did that make sense?























From South Carolina. <3

I have been...

monologuing all day long.
I have no idea why.
I caught up with my work at school.
Jenni is possibly one of the best teachers ever. :P
I drove for half an hour today.
I make my dad paranoid.
It rained,
it was beautiful.
My dad and I found the
Complete First Season of Friends
at Goodwill today.
$5.
Not bad.
And it's in GOOD condition.

Now, it is time for a good sammich.

I can show you!

I swear I can.
I truely wish I could show you. Autumn.
Can you feel it?
It's not always warm as the winters.

Winter

I miss Winter.
I miss the coldness creeping up my spine.
I miss the blanket of stars that are visible at night.
Winter.
Just a few more months away.
Fuck Summer and fuck Spring.
Autumn has become my enemy since that day.
Winter.
Where I my cold heart feels at home.
Where I don't need to pretend.
The season where I actually know myself.
And all I can think about is that day...
the first time it snowed in Laredo during my 17 years of exsistance.
I stood outside starring at the sky
without a jacket on.
Just a shirt and shorts.
No shoes, no socks.
I couldn't feel the blood in my veins anymore.
I couldn't feel my own heart beat.
It was all too beautful.
It felt like a dream,
but it was real.
I had no hopes and a pocket full of promises.
Winter kept its word.
The only season...person I could trust.

I'm counting down the days till we meet again.

Autumn,
please hurry, pass, and go.

Your hands are bang, Bang, BANG.

I woke up at 8:30 AM today
and I couldn't go back to sleep.
I think my sleeping habits are changing.
I had a weird dream.
Again I couldn't change it.
But I didn't mind.
I didn't go to church again.
It's been a few months already.
Does this make me a bad kid?
I'm sorry God.
I just don't believe in an ordered religion.
Can I still be reincarnated?
Yesterday was fun.
Went to the Planetarium with Hippie and Ana,
then went to iHop after that with my parents.
Good weekend.
I didn't mind it one bit.
:]
Maybe I will go to TAMIU.
Hopefully.
I also did my homework.
Plus, I got to watch some of the movie Martian Child.
I loved it.
:D

P.S. I got new shoes yesterday. :P

I think I'm turning into my mother.

Au Revoir, Mr. Mercury.

So this week has been pretty...dumb.

On Sunday, I felt like total crap. I drove at the LEC and I almost crashed into a pole. Stupid me for making a fast sharp turn. Then I went to Walmart and ended up bumping into my "friends". I felt bad that they didn't invite me. :/ Wait! Not even. Not the fact that they didn't invite me. The fact that they had the nerve to lie to me. They said, "Well you weren't online!" And the truth was, I WAS ONLINE. -_- They could've called, but no. Whatever. I don't expect much from anybody. And I guess I was mad at one person most of all, so when I went to school, I didn't even talk to them or look at them. Then on Tuesday they started talking to me again. So I guess I let go of the grudge. Wednesday, Jenni gave me a ride to my mom's work because my dad's car broke down. I stayed at my mom's work till 7-8 pm. I went ghosts hunting there and might have had an encounter with one. Then on Thursday, I met my Chembridge professor in the morning and went to a parent's meeting with my dad that evening. We went to Lin's after that. Once I got home, I fell asleep. Friday, I woke up at 5AM and took a shower. According to my dad, I threw off the whole day. All the Nixon band kids weren't at VMT, so it was pretty quiet. I pwned everyone in class at Photoshop. I talked shit about a chick with someone else, and we both hate her. Rude little kid needs to get hit in the vag. Then we went out to eat at Logan's. I fell asleep and I woke up at ten AM today. That's about it. I really didn't feel like typing.

Now I'm waiting for 7 pm to go to the Planetarium with my friends. <3

It’s Hard Working With...

Spilt-Personalities.
I mix up reality and dreams,
and it all becomes too real.
One second I'm falling off a building,
the next second, I'm sitting in class starring at the board.
Then I'm way different at home then I am in school.
Well, public, in general.
I don't have to fake my laughter.
I don't need to fake a smile.
I don't need to trust anybody but myself.
Even then,
I am my worst enemy.
I'll be sitting here on my bed,
then I'll find myself watching myself pace around the room.
The person I see in the mirror
is not the person same everyone else sees.
And everyday it changes,
I go from the happy spirited Ambient Kid,
to the Sickness that crawls underneath my skin.
Even Lucid Dreaming has become a problem.
I know that I'm in my dream,
I know that nothing is "real".
But I can't escape it.
I can't change it anymore.
I can't make things appear and make things go away.
And I can't go to my memory bank.
I can't replay the first time I fell for Autumn.
I can't reply his smile.
I can't.
I want to.
No matter how many times I told myself no,
I just want to go back and relive it one more time.



I could've done more.
I should've done more.

Change

I'm changing again.

I've finally decided to clean out my pendrive.

I found a lot of interesting conversations that made me happy and very sad.

I finally got myself to delete them after a year.

Time to move forward again and forget the past.

Goodbye good memories.

-----

I'll be waiting for Winter.

All the Shame it Brings, Changes Everything.

So, in reality, I have become less addicted to the computer. I believe that I'm changing again. This week has been really awkward. Even too awkward for my limits. School is very different. I'm now a Senior and I'm taking random classes. I got to change Criminal Justice for Chembridge (aka UChem., College Chemistry, etc.). We have a new principal at VMT, which I have failed to see, and the time schedules are off between my home school and my magnet school. There's a lot more freshmen this year in VMT. I haven't had lunch at VMT either, so it's weird. Wait, no! It's different. But enough of that.

Mona bought me Batman: The Killing Joke [Deluxe Edition]! I love her! I must pay her back!

Last week, I felt human! It was such a wonderful feeling! We made s'mores at Jenni's house and I had so much fun. It was the first time I had felt so happy and alive. Then another time, we went to eat at iHop and we had a good time. [But it doesn't come with toast!] We were very hyper and we just couldn't stop laughing. Then on another day, possibly Saturday, we went to watch The Hulk at the dollar movies and we went walking to Walmart, where we got stopped by this 21 yr. old chuc lady and a group of chuc kids. Plus, I bought Dexter Season 2! [I rip you!]

Really, I'm not in the mood of typing. I'm probably going to be off to bed in a bit.

Today I went to the mall with Mona! I bought another Batman comic. [Batman: Going Sane] Then I came home and watched the Last Mimzy with my mommy. THEN we went to iHop. Yay! for having breakfast for dinner two nights in a row!









P.S. I've gotten use to the "dress code" now. And I have to admit, I love my pants now, so much that I haven't washed my beige pants in three days. ._.

The Sun

is my God.


R E I N C A R N A T I O N

:] :] :] :] :]

I'm inspired for tomorrow.

Like the Emptiness of War.

This have been by far, the WORST week ever of summer. I missed the meteor shower because my dad forgot about it and went to sleep early. So I decided to let my parents to sleep. :/ Then today, I woke up late for my appointment with the dentist. They put in those stupid fillings to prevent cavities and they actually fixed my cavity without numbing me. So I was a bit of a happy camper. But the lady scared me, because she was holding this thing that looked like a shot. I had those things. D: Then Driver's Ed was just so LAME. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Whatever we're "learning" there, I could just figure out online. Fuck. That. Shit. Ugh. Then today we saw THE MOST PERFECT HOUSE EVER. And then one of the power line poles was in the backyard and my mom didn't like that. D: HORRIBLE. I think we might buy that red brick house. I don't know. My thoughts are scattered at the moment.

My Blood is Tainted With Bitterness, I Want it Out, I Want it Out of Me.

I'm so... I can't even explain. I miss having someone... loving someone. I feel so alone. I feel as if I don't even have friends anymore. Everyone and everything is changing. It's just so... overwhelming. Jenni is moving as soon as she graduates. Percy and I aren't that close and it's hard for us to keep a conversation going without arguing over who's theory is more accurate. Hippie works and spends all her time with her boyfriend. And somewhere along the lines, Dell and I just stopped talking. Louis probably feels awkward talking to me, possibly because of last summer. Tokyo's a liar and damaged me too much. Claudia is always in Mexico. Monika is always hyper and sometimes I feel like I can't have a "serious conversation" with her. Teej has changed since... forever. And I have changed too. And it's hard for me to interact with others because I forgot how to be human. Somewhere throughout the change, I lost myself for a good while. And still, I haven't recovered much. Then the strangers that I meet... I can't turn them into friends. I push them away for fear of repeating my mistakes.

I want to run away. I need to run away.

I need to throw myself into the sea and find myself again. I need to taste the bittersweet sea. I need to feel the warmth of the sun and watch the beautiful sunrise again. I need to feel the sand between my toes. I need to hear the sea inside the shells. I need the sea breeze to enter my lungs.

Where did I lose myself? Was it before or after?

And all of this is about ME. "I need this. I need that." Does this make me an egomaniac? Si? No tiengo mucho tiempo para sabir quando yo voy a cambar. I doubt I spelled that right. Damn, I fail at being Hispanic.

I'm still angry that Hispanic is not counted as a race. There's black and there's white. Then there's asains. Yet, Hispanics are not counted as a race in this government. Eh, I don't like being counted as white. I'm proud of being Hispanic. Like girly said, "I'm not from England. I'm either from crazy indians in South America, from Spain, or from Antarctica because they're not white, black, or asain." [No we were not being racists.]

I hate it when people [even those Hispanics that are just ignorrant] say they hate immagrants. What is wrong with immagrants? They're immagrants too. The only one that I remember that aren't considered immagrants are Indians. And how many of those are left? Casi nada! Everyone here CAME from a different country. Even if you were born here, your ancestors were not. -_- Again. I'm NOT being racists. I just hate going out of town and hearing people mutter, "Stupid mexicans/beaners/immagrants/lantinos/hispanics."

I think I'm just talking out of my ass right now. I'm tired. I only slept three hours. And they woke me up for nothing! We were going to see another house, but then the realtor called and said they had sold the house. I'm getting tired of this woman. She kepts cancelling things. Three days in a row I had been waken up early to go see houses and then cancelled at the last minute.

Ten dollars say that NOBODY reads this shit anyways.

At least Paul made me feel good today. Apparently, I know how to be "charming". Which I'm starting to think it's true. I can make my best friend blush whenever she needs an opinion on clothes. And I always trick/convience "That Kid" to do me favors. Then I made that girl at the mall blush so much she looked like she was going to explode.

But then he ruined the moment and told me I could be an ass. Which I KNOW is true. Whenever my friends have problems that I just don't feel like listening to. I tell them the cold hard truth instead of lying and saying "everything's going to be okay," when we all know it's not. Or saying, "That's just the way life is and we have to accept that." Which I don't mind if people do that to me. The only time I'm like that though is when they piss me off and actually know that they did. And when the same old BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND problems come up. I hate those. I know NOTHING about love. So why come to me for advice?

Yeah, okay. I'm really talking out of my ass.

So yeah... nobody reads this anyways. :\

8bit Tea

I can't sleep. No matter how hard I'm trying, I just can't sleep. I ust have too many thoughts running through my mind. What went wrong in me? I'm so tired, I'm sleepy. But I find myself starring at the ceiling hoping to fall asleep before the morning sun shines though. But nothing like a good cup of hot tea to relax me. Meteor shower, the Perseids, in about 5-6 days. Please let it not be cloudy.

I have to see the meteor shower.

It's the only thing I look forward to every year.

I wish I could share the moment with somebody.

1/2

Ah! Painting, my newly found passion. I lose myself in my painting. It makes me so... happy. I was inspired to paint today just because of a make-up artist. I lost myself today. I was sitting there in the "director's chair" waiting for the woman to start applying a thousand layers of make-up. She walked over to me and told me to close my eyes. She started applying the first layer of make-up with a sponge [in my words "Chacho," for those of you who remember my phase of naming objects]. It bothered me. I hate make-up all over my face and I hate people touching my face. But soon enough, she started applying the eyeshadow on my eyes with a brush. The feeling felt familiar. I knew that feeling. I zoned out to a time when I was a kid. I remembered my sister tickling my face with her paint brushes. She had painted a flower on my check. It was a beautiful flower. A sunflower. Then the woman told me to open my eyes. She left for a moment and came back with a couple of more products. I closed my eyes again. She applied another layer of make-up. Then there was a scent. A familiar scent. It took me a while, then I realized, it smelled like acrylic paint. I smiled, and the woman noticed. She asked me, "Did you think of something that made you happy?" And I replied, "Yeah, painting. I haven't painted in a while. Now I think I'm going to do that before I go to bed today." She smiled.

I took my senior pictures today. It wasn't that bad, it took about half an hour, but it went by fairly fast.

Driver's Ed went by fast too. We took two tests and I did great. I'm glad I can memorize things easily.

I caught a stranger looking at me and our eyes met. He started walking towards me and I left from my spot. Stupid mistake, but I don't want to "fall in love" again. Strangers are a bad thing for me. But I can't help but be interested in knowing them.

One whole year.
It's like rehab without the drugs.
I've changed.
And I still am.
At this point in my life, I now know:
That friends don't last forever.
And the ones that do,
I have to keep holding on.
I need to go to college.
I need to meet new people.
I need change.
I hate this city.
I need CHANGE.

I need to CHANGE.

I still remember the rain.
I still remember not being afraid.
For the first time in my life,
I wasn't afraid.

You've got ideas in your head of someone you could talk to.

J.W. Nixon High School and VMT kiddos!

What classes are you taking? :P

Home School Schedule

1. Fundamental Cri [I'm guessing this is Criminal Justice. Did I sign up for it?] - Villarreal

2.BIM - Ramon

3.Accounting - Boyless

4.Calculus [Fuck my life! D: I love math but this is too much.] - Lemos

5.Lunch

VMT Schedule

6.Woodwind - Hinojosa

7.Woodwind - Hinojosa [Seriously... two blocks? 0.o]

8.BCIS II - Blumberg [Omfg, seriously, fuck my life. I don't like him]

9.English - Martinez! :D

Anyone have class with me?

-----

In other news, I got my hair done, went to go see houses [three of them , which they all sucked], and picked up my schedule. Now I'm just waiting to go to Driver's Ed. Ugh. I don't want to go. :/ After that, I'm probably not going to get online. I just want to go to sleep because apparently, I have to go get my make-up done tomorrow and go take my senior picture. Which reminds, I need to go look for my clothes.

I think this Saturday is my friend's Sweet Sixteen.

Hopefully she won't ditch me for her ass of a friend.

We Had No Choice But to Destroy Every Note.

I tell myself that I'm going to change.

Lately this has become a daily thing.

Recently, I have realized that I am not the same person I was a year ago. There are still some attributes that are still the same, but I have come to the conclusion that there has been a drastic change. Starting this month, I am going to start my Senior year in high school. I only have to take one class that actually counts towards my graduation, which is English. If I take English at VMT, there is a likely chance that I'm going to pass with an A. [Creativity flows better at my magnet school, than my home school.] Plus, I just need THREE more college credits to graduate DAP, according to my VMT counselor. Which I believe, is total BULL, because I've talked to my counselor at my home school and she says I only need two more college credits to graduate DAP. My home school counselor is more reliable that my magnet school counselor.

And I just realized that in my 17 years of exsistence, I have finally mastered in spelling the word 'counselor'.

My mom has been on my tail, nagging me to apply for scholarships. I've been going to the website my counselor gave me to apply for scholarships, but I get so overwhelmed when I look at the topics.

I feel like a failure.

All I want in my life is music, art, and maybe a stranger's kindness. But with the world that we live in, I have to want something more than that, and have more interests than that. To get a job that I have no interest in. To fail at a job that I would love due to the fact that the world thinks that I'm not 'GOOD ENOUGH'.

I use to believe that music was going to be my career.

Then I went back to my old love, art.

But comparing myself to other 'artists', I would fail in the artsy fartsy world. Then lately my love for writing has been sat on by a big cement block. [Yes, that's right, Writer's block.] Due to this, I haven't been putting any intelligence in what I write. For example: I've been writing like every other teenage girl with their 'OMFGWTF' and such.

I haven't studied for my SAT, even though I've already taken it.

On Wednesday, I have to go fix my hair, get my hair down, and go take my Senior pictures pictures.

Since I haven't fallen asleep yet, I still count this day as Monday. So...

Today, August 4th, I started Driver's Ed. I believe it's total BULL. Whatever that we did today, I could've done on the internet and learn to drive myself. [Which really, I have no interest in driving... at the moment.] I really don't have the desire to drive.

Tomorrow, August 5th, I need to go to my home school and register to pick up my schedule. Hopefully I will be able to catch my counselor and take to her about my schedule.

I don't mind wearing the Polos to school, I just hate the pants.

There's a slight chance that I may have ADD.

I sure hope not.

Egomaniacs

I tend to "fall in love" with egomaniacs.

This explains Autumn.

And I don't even talk to him.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

And to the two-year egomaniac:

You say you've changed?

You still act like a goth wannabe teenage.

I've changed way faster than you would've beleived.

In the sky, there is a cloud containing the sea.

Eh, so apparently, I'm sick. The day we ate at Cracker Barrel, I started feeling bad. I didn't even sleep that night. I keep waking up wanting to puke but didn't. Finally around 6AM yesterday, I officially puked my guts out. So now I'm telling myself, "I'M NEVER GOING TO EAT PASTA OR FOOD FROM CRACKER BARREL AGAIN!"

And as off today, I'm still sick. I didn't go to my gramma's. And I slept until 6:30 pm. I feel better, but I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day.

Well on a worser note, I'm home. We can back yesterday evening. We ended up getting here at 11ish PM. It feels weird to be home. Well... at least I get my privacy.

--------------------------------------

So today's dream was pretty weird. My mom was making food and she hired this guy to help her. I went to the kitchen to talk to my mom but she was busy on the phone. I headed back to my room and I felt I was being watched by someone. I turned around and there was this guy looking at me. He mouthed HI and smiled. I just waved back, smiled, and went into my room. I became giggly like a schoolgirl. After awhile, I started to play the guitar and then there was a knock on the door. I got up and opened the door. The guy was there holding a cup of hot tea. "This is for you," he said. "Thanks," I replied. Then he asked me, "How old are you?" I replied, "Legal." And then he pulled me forward and kissed me.

[This dream was too much for me, I didn't want it. So I woke up then tried going back to bed.]

Then I was with Jenni and Percy. Some guys were playing football, and Jenni says, "Hey Ash, isn't that your guy over there?" Since my back was facing the football players, I turned around and saw the guy my mom hired standing there. I turned back to Jenni and just smiled. Then somehow it became a party for VMT people. Mostly from Nixon. It was really... random. We sat down on a long table with some people from band and people from our class. The guy sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.

[I woke up again trying to change it. Then I went back to sleep.]

He was back with the guys playing football and I was talking to Matthew about some game. We deparated from talking and he walked back to his table and I went to mine. I turned around to look at the guys playing football and instead, I saw Autumn walking towards Matthew's table. I couldn't help myself but look. He knew I was looking so he sat on the side of Matthew's table facing me. I looked down, then at Jenni and made conversation with her. The guy came and sat down next me again kissed me on the check. I looked up at Autumn and his face just changed. He looked down, got up from the table, and left with Gamer. [Did this mean I was over him?]

Then my dream just changed. I was in a car with him and we were driving home. Then we crashed. I woke up not knowing where or who I was. I walked into some store and this girl let me stay there. I climbed a latter and there were all my posessions that I loved so much. My books, my paints, my sketches, my favorite two jackets, and other things. I walked over to the bed and there was a picture of me and him. And then I cried. I wanted him near.

[Then I woke up, fell back asleep.]

I met this other guy and walked into a shop with him. Then somehow, people that I knew where there. I began talking to some people from band. We heard a gunshot. We tried escaping but all the exits were blocked by people with guns. One of them went after me, I ran into the bathroom and hid in a stale. Apparently they wanted to know where he was. So did I. The guy with the gun opened the stale and I grabbed his gun and smacked him in the face with it. [Random Note: I love Brian Eno's UNDER STARS. It's petty.] I tried to escape so me being the stupid one, I started shooting at the guys with guns, hoping to get out. Then some guy that I knew from band pointed a gun at me crying and saying sorry. I told him to put the gun down or I will kill him no matter what. I told him that he was better than that. And he gave the gun to me. Somehow I was able to get out.

[I woke up and went back to sleep.]

I was back in the store with the girl. I was helping her clean out some stuff and she allowed me to keep some things. I came across some leters from a woman to her. She really wanted me to throw them out, but I decided to keep them to use in my artwork. Then a man walked into the store that knew the girl. [Come to think of it, the girl was more of a 40 yr. old lady who looked really young.] She went into the kitchen with the man and I continued looking through boxes of stuff. I heard a clearing of a throat, and I looked up. He was there holding a stargazer in his hand, smiling.

-------

Then finally, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.

What does this dream mean? Do I really want love in my life? Have I denied so much, to want it so bad? :[ I don't know what's happening. But this guy... it hasn't been the first time that I've seen it.

I just want someone to enjoy spending time with.

Someone who may understand.

Even if I may not make any sense, they would still be able to understand.

I just want a good friend.

Guy or girl.

I want someone.

They Say, That Kid He's Got...

I've been here in McAllen with my family for about 4 days already. We're probably going to stay until tomorrow or Sunday. Apparently, on August 4th, I start Driver's Ed. Also, sometime this coming week, I need to set up an appointment for my senior pictures. My mom wants me to get my hair, make-up, and nails perfessionally down. -_- I hate this. Well, my really girly friends should be proud of me. I bought this girly outfit... and I'm enjoying it. *Hides.*

What I've been up to:

• Sunday, 27th: I went to my Gramma's to eat, then came back home and took a nap. I woke up around 9 PM and got online. Once I logged on, I totally got bombed with messages from Gabi, Percy, and Jenni. Jenni picked us up and we went to her house. We watched CANDY and CHARLIE BARTLETTE(sp?).
• Monday, 28th: Came to McAllen, and... I forgot what we did. I think we went to Mimi's cafe. Really bad service. We complained so much, we got a meal on the house. lol, I felt super-bad, but seriously... the service sucked and the food came out cold. The only thing I really loved was the STRAWBERRY LEMONADE. ._. FUCKIN' GOOD.
• Tuesday, 29th: We went to Beall's and I gots fancy girly clothes and a cool pollo. And some sweet Kicks. :D [RocketDog all the way!] We ate chicken. ALOT. of chicken. Haha. Plus, I missed Food Detectives! D:
• Wednesday, 30th: Apparently I forgot. We probably didn't do anything. Mommy made pancakes for breakfast. And I missed the live episode of Criss Angel. D: But it's okay, I got to catch the re-run. :D
• Thursday, 31st: Krystel's Birffday! :D We went out to eat at Olive Garden [ew, PASTA] and we had freakin' BADASS SERVICE. Mega-hawt chicks there. :D :D :D :D :D Then afterwards, I WENT TO BARNES AND NOBLE! And bought three Batman graphic novels! Dearly Devoted Dexter, and a fuckin' starchart! :D BADASS. That was like... $80 spent. It's okay! It was all worth it. :]
• Today: Went to CrackerBarrel, and really, the FOOD WAS JUST AMAZING. GREAT SERVICE TOO. [And we bought uniforms...eh.]

And I think that was it. >_> Not quite sure.