Sympathy's Better Than Having To Tell You The Truth.

At the current moment ... I have so much to say yet I just can't ... Throughout this whole year, I've forgotten how to be human and how things feel. I don't know how it feels to have a friend anymore. I don't know how a hug feels anymore. I don't know how recieving a smile feels anymore. I've forgotten so many things. And I find this so hard for me because I just can't connect with people anymore. I've forgotten how to be human. You know how long it's been since I've last hung out with my friends? About a month or two. They probably don't even notice. They probably don't even care. And seriously, I always put on a fake mask around them. I'm always quiet. If I just disappeared, they probably wouldn't even notice either. Then some of them complain that I can't open up to them. Well how can I when they don't even bother to ask? I don't want to dump my problems on them, so I just stay quiet.

I hate school.

I hate seeing people I know.

I hate getting weird looks from people because I refuse to talk around them.

I hate Laredo, I just want to escape.

I can't change.

Let the Rain Fall.

I wish my friends wouldn't take offense whenever I say that I don't have a best friend. Seriously, I can't consider anyone my best friend. It's not like I'm trying to keep my distance, it's just that most of the time they could really care less. I just find it so hard living here in Laredo. When will the wind blow my way?

This week's going to suck. TAKS all week and then practice for the De Falla show on Friday on Saturday. Plus, my parents are going to the Golden Apple awards so I'm stuck home alone after my SAT, practice, and possibly hanging out with some friends. I'm not sure. Then Sunday is the De Falla show. It's going to be great. After this week, I'm seriously going to pass out. Ugh. >_<>

Lorazepam Says It Will Set Me Free.

On May 20th, it's going to the 2 years since my Willita (my grandmother from my dad's side) passed away. Wow, time has passed by so fast. I haven't dreamt of her in a long while, so I guess last night was the night I'd dream of her again. I don't really remember all of my dream do to the fact that I only focused on one certain part when I woke up. I just remember it started off with Autumn. Autumn and I were inside a building, possibly an apartment. I was laying down on a matress, while he was sitting by the window, eatting an apple, and watching the ran fall. We started talking about change. Then everything went blank. [And now Kingdom Hearts comes into play, I really got to stop playing so much. XD] I just remember something happening to my friends and they got sucked into the ground. And the only way to get them out was with Thunder, but apparently I was battling a Heartless and he resetted all my powers. So then I leave to go learn Thunder. I end up at this party with my family and Autumn was there to. But he was alone in an empty room. I walked over to him and stopped five feet away. He said, "There's someone here to see you." So I turn around I see my Willita smiling at me. Right away, I went over to her, hugged her, and began to cry. I started apologizing to my Willita. I'd say, "Willita, I'm so sorry, I was so stubborn that I never wanted to visit you. I took advantage of the time I had left with you, I'm so sorry!" And she'd just smile and say, "It's okay, hijeta. It's all okay." Things became blurry again after that. When I woke up, I cried so much, it felt so real. Her hug felt so real. Now I just want to know ...

Does she really forgive me? Was that really her?

When I Hear The Rain, Should I Be Afraid For My Life?

Everytime I see a certain person, memories flash before my eyes. This past summer of 2007. One of the worst, yet one of the best summers I've ever had. The summer were I felt happy with my life. Happy in every way possible. I found this happiness in a friend. But then, things got worse. I took this happiness to the next step. It was wonderful, I felt alive again. I felt like nothing else matter. Well, I thought wrong. I became scared. Scared to believe in this happiness. Scared that I wasn't good enough for him. So I decided to take action, I knew he deserved better. But while in the proccess, I destroyed part of a friendship. Things were never the same.

Possibly now, I may or may not still have feelings. Maybe not in a relationship way, but just as a friend way. So just seeing him with others just makes me want to ripe my lungs out. He likes one of my friends and she likes him too. It's possibly killing me on the inside, yet ... I encourage it. I want HIM to be with HER, because I know she's the best for him and I know he's the best for her. I feel it in my gut, I feel it in my mind. I believe that it's for the best for them, and for everyone, including myself. Godspeed to them.

Autumn, Autumn, Autumn ...

That's the only person that controls my mind without even knowing it. Oh Autumn, I wish you were mine. Hah, that makes me sound like a stupid little girl. Whatever, I'm to tired to even sound like a smartass. But back to what I was saying, I feel like I'm killing myself trying to get Autumn's attention. It's pointless at times. I try to forget about him sometimes, just so I could try to erase these feelings. A part of me says that I should trying to be "human" and get a relationship with a person, but then another part of me says I'd probably fuck up and leave them later on in life. And my last relationship just proved the other part of me was right.

Yet I long for a human connection ... a companion ... a friend.

I hate human emotions, they mess with my mind too much. I hate it. My emotions just get in the way, and I... I just get so angry! I want to destroy my mind from the inside out. I want to ripe out my heart and my lungs. I just want to ripe the fake smile off my face.

Yet I long for a human connection ... a companion ... a friend.





I know who you are, Autumn, I can see you. I can feel you all around me. You're everywhere, the sun and the rain.

The Sky's Gone Out.

So maybe today, I guess realized why I can't make up my mind about what to do with my future. I was telling my dad that I would seriously like to learn how to be a good photography. But I don't want it to be my life, just possibly a hobby. And right then and there I realized, I'm scared. I'm scared of flunking out of college; scared I will never find someone who understands me; and scared that my life will end after high school. I guess this is normal ... but ... what if it's not? I realized that I'm scared of wanting to persue a career in something that I love. I love math, science, english, music, art, computers. But to tell you the truth I'm not really good at any of them. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to stay focused while learning how to better the things I do. I'm scared of getting easily bored with the things I love. I can't go ask my parents for advice, due to the fact they both are teachers, so all they've ever thought of was teaching. And I can't ask my sister because she didn't even finish college. And currently ... I'm scared I'll end up the same way as she did. I'm scared for my life and it's driving me crazy. Yet no one cares, no one understands, no one notices. I don't even feel support from my peers. I tell them what I would like to do and all they say is, "LAWLOLOLOLOLOLOLAWL! STOOPID!" Seriously. It pisses me off. Ugh, I seriously ... DON'T ... KNOW.

Ocean Carry Me Away ... You're My Better Half.

So there's been good and bad things going on.

Good: Lately I've been in a "creative" mood. I've been writing more, drawing more, and even dreaming more again. I picked up my guitar also and have been trying to learn Brian Eno's By This River. I don't have a capo, so I just retuned my electric guitar, while leaving my acoustic guitar the same. I've actually been trying to learn my solo (better) on flute. Now with the De Falla show, it's keeping me busy for a while. Plus, the medallion orchestra. We're practicing once or twice a week. I serious don't know why people complain about practice. I know I use to, but after time of not doing anything productive, it feels good to be a part of something again.

Bad: I've been sick. Mentally and pyshically. I feel like the blacksheep with my friends and even my family. I can't even say that I have a best friend just because I feel as if I'm trapped in a bubble. My sister finally said she's going to move back to Mission this coming Monday. My really, my nephew was my only happiness here. The only one who could make me smile till my face fell off my head. The only one I could show love and felt loved in return. My nephew Adam. The best thing in my life. My only reason for living. Now that they're leaving, this place feels dead again. No more laughter, no more toys, no more footprints. No more Kiki trying to beat the crap out of me. No more Krystal (my sister) making fun of me for starting the microwave without putting the food in. And then, I'm acting stupid over a guy who could care less. Plus, he's a total stranger. It makes no sense, it makes no fucking sense. Why do I want a guy so much? Why do I feel so much for him? Why do I even care? Why do I love his vibe? No fucking sense.

I found out that one of my cousins died of cancer on Sunday. I feel bad for not feeling bad. You know what I'm saying? I didn't know her well enough to cry for her, but to cry for her children. Apparently after coming back from San Antonio (after my cousin died in the hospital), her son was fine, he hadn't cried when his mom died, but when they got into the house and he saw all his mother's things, he realized that his mother was dead and would never come back. My mom said he was screaming and crying hysterically. Lala said he went crazy right then and there. He couldn't stop crying. The younger one kept asking when would her mother come home. That's sad and scary. Seriously, I feel so horrible. Then it's Lala, too. I find it wrong when kids die before their parents. It's natural but ... I find it more depressing. It's like, you KNOW your parents are going to die of old age and before you, but when you die before your parents, it's a total shock because you're too young to die. Then I hate it, when people know that they're going to die of a disease or murder, they blame a god [who may/may not be there] for their pain. Why isn't God here by my side? Why is he letting me shower? Why does God hate me? Sorry, I really don't know much about religion. I'm the type of person that believes in an afterlife but is very uncertain if there's such a thing as a Superior Being. But it's like blaming the weather man when they say it's going to be sunny and ends up raining. Things just happen, it's no one's fault. If I found out I had cancer or anything of that type, I would go under a depression, but I wouldn't want to blame it on someone/something else. It's just natural. I don't know.

I'm not even sure what I just wrote.

I've been zoned out.

Autumn, Where Will The Wind Take Us?

You will never know how much you've affected me over the years. First of all you have to know that we've only met once or twice, and not in a nice way either. First you threaten me and next we're stuck in the same room. But why is there such an attraction to such a stranger? Rude, silent, careless, the things I hate the most. How can I possibly have feelings toward someone like this? We don't even know each other. The only thing I know about you is that you're sarcastic. Not the brightest color in the box, now are you? We're such strange egos, Autumn. Wanting to escape this world, wanting to better our lives. But we're scared, aren't we? I know you're scared, but maybe more than that. You're scared to be kept behind, to be kept in this hellhole we call home. How can we possibly call this home, when we're trying our hardest to get out? We're not. We're lying to ourselves. Yes, we want to chase our dreams, but it's too hard of a journey to do it alone. Then again, we want to be alone. Nobody ever wants to be alone, and the people who do are just scared. So we must be scared, huh? Too scared to open our hearts and our minds with the people we love the most. Even at that, we're to scared to love. What is love? Certainly, this cannot be love. Isn't love shared between two people who are open to each other? People that have known each other for even more than a full 24 hours. Who are we? Do you know who you are? Do I know who I am? Maybe we're the same, maybe we're the exact opposite. Where's the balance? Autumn, whoever you are, I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. Maybe not pyshically, but mentally I am. The mind can cause such crazy things to happen. There's a connection.

I just know there is ...