Hello there, how you doing?

I've got all these thoughts just floating through my brain.

They bump and they collide and cause a flurry of confusion and it's getting on my nerves.

Lately I've been obsessing with change. Life, truthfully, has been shit. Friendships lost, family problems, no money, etc. I've been getting my anxiety attacks a lot more lately. Not as bad, but every once in a while I can barely keep my head straight. College has been great. Got A's in Drawing I, English 1301, & College Algebra. Plus, a B in Psychology, which I think I truly could've done better. Anyways, I'm going off topic. I am thirsting for change. Therefore, 2010 will be the year of Change.

For the past few days, I've been going through my closet and getting rid of old things. Such as clothes, toys, etc. I'm throwing away the prehistoric times and giving in to space age! I've deleted some accounts online, deleted old blog entries, old comments, some people on my friends list, and other nonsense!

But since some memories aren't so bad, I've decided to pick up scrapbooking. I know, I said I would never give in, but I did. So that is that. I am now trying to get my shit together. Make myself a bit more useful.

2010 means: more art, less shyness, better sleep.

I must attend more concerts. (Warped Tour 2010, here I come.) I must find a job though. I need the extra cash.

Someone mysteriously charged a Star Trek 2010 calender on my LCC card.

Hmm, how strange.

What I Want You Can't Fuckin' Kill.

I don't update this very often. As I've stated before: I only blog whenever I am angry / sad / frustrated /depressed /etc. I've never been the type of person to finish what I've started. So sad really.

College has been good to me. Met some new people, but in reality I'm too shy to talk to them. My art class has been wonderful. I'm doing really well in math compared to my high school days. English and Psychology are good too. Now I know how it feels to be in college and now I know how much homework there is, I've come to decide to take 18 hours of college next semester. I've also decided that I want to Double-Major in Art and Computer Science.

I've seen Autumn around every now and then.. still it pains me to see him. I cannot get over him.

Lately I've been thinking about my old friend Vanessa from middle school. I wonder where she is and how she's doing..

There are some hidden feelings that I wish I could've shared with her.

I remember she moved to California.. I wish I could talk to her once more..

Maybe this is what has been frustrating me these past few days..

We have company over. Steve family is here visiting.. gee, now I can't run around naked in my own house. What a bummer.

Good night.

Take your cause and pass it around.

Truth: I never learned how to ride a bike.

Yes, it is true. In all my life I never really learned to ride a bike. I use to have one, my dad tried teaching me, but I remember having one bad fall that I cut my whole arm and I never rode again. Lately, for some odd reason, I've been wanting to learn to ride a bike. Maybe looking at all those Burning Man pictures has inspired me to ride a bike.

Next week, well, in 3 days, I will start college. I am excited, but I am scared at the same time.

3 days ago, I went to LCC to go buy my books with my sister. I started getting a panic attack because I started thinking of the guy I like/liked. I realized that he is also at LCC and he has one class that's the same as mine, but not sure what time or day he has it. I'm hoping that he doesn't have the same class as me, cause really, that will drive me crazy.

I don't want to like him, ya know? He's arrogant and egomaniac. Yet, I can't help but be attracted to him.

Pomplamoose is an amazing band. Just found out about them today. :3

I am determined to get better at Hooping. I have learned to get the hoop from my neck to my waist. I'm getting a bruise on my left knee and on my right ankle.

They've been showing Tank Girl for the past two weeks. Neato.

I don't know what else to say..

Sing Out

I must confess you're all I dream about
All that I think without
Never have a single doubt
To sing out, whatever it is you're trying to say now
Whatever is on your mind

I realized that 99% of the time that I write a blog is when I'm upset or just thinking way too much. So I realized that I need to start writing more happy/upbeat blogs.

Well, this past week was actually pretty fun. I had almost forgot about the Preseid's meteor shower. Here are me and my family's scores:

Round 1: Krystel - 17 Me - 13 Dad - 11 Mom - 1 Steve - None
Round 2: Me - 36 Krystel - 35 Dad - 18 Mom - 17 Kiki - 5 Steve - 1
Round 3: Me - 1 Mom -1 Everybody Else: None
Round 4: Mom - 3 Dad - 2 Me - 1 Krys - 1 Steve - None
Overall Winner: Krystel

And yeah, that was pretty much it this week. I got stuck with babysitting twice.

Just in case if I never posted this:

I went to Seaworld with my sister Krystel, Steve, and her kids for two days. My parents went to this place because my dad won in a sweepstakes to come out on Maseca's cooking show where you get to spin a wheel and win prizes. My dad won a year's worth of food which towards my first semester in college. Audio was born on June 10th and she's a pain, but she's cute and I love her. We were suppose to go to the beach but my dad had to work two weeks earlier, so we didn't get to. We replaced the floors upstairs and downstairs. Upstairs we put laminate flooring and downstairs tile. My mom made the workers put up shelf for her so she could put her evil dolls. I recieved my Ghost and the Grace shirt and CD. And yesterday I got my Anchor & Braille CD, Shirt, Poster, Buttons, & Picks! So I'm a happy kid.

This summer has been good to me. Jenni's leaving to S.A. for college on the 20th, so hopefully we'll be able to hang out before she leaves. And some German girl is replacing her for 4 months.

I don't what else to write.

I shall depart now.

P.S. - Right now I'm staying downstairs because the air con upstairs broke down, and it won't be fixed till Monday.

SHIT.

And There's One Thing You Should Know..

is that I fell for you long ago.

And everything that I do, begans and ends with you.

So, two more weeks till I start college and I must admit that I am excited. My schedule:

M&W:

Drawing I - 8:00-10:30

English 1301 - 12:00-1:30

T&Th:

Psychology - 9:30-10:50

Algebra I - 11:00-12:20

I'm kind of bummed out that I'm not going to be with my friends, since they're either going to an out of town college or TAMIU. But now, I'm going to have class with my sister! Except for Algebra.

This summer has had it's ups and downs. But for the most part, it's been nice and easy going. I've been able to express myself more artisticly and I've been able to make peace with myself. One of the downsides is that my sleeping routine has been very messed up. Some days I sleep all day and some days I don't sleep at all. I ended up not looking for a job afterall because Audio was born. (Which my mother says it's just an excuse that I use, which is 25% true.) I got a grant for college which only pays HALF of my classes. But it's better than getting nothing at all. The only reason why I got that grant was because I graduated DAP. Which reminds me, I need to go see someone at the college about giving me hours that I earned in high school.

Lately, well mostly this whole summer, I've been dreaming of going back to high school. Either in my dreams I failed a class or they just dragged everyone back who graduated.

Can you hear me.. stop?

I want to travel.

I really have nothing important to say today. Or at least not yet.

Pans and Fauns

I had this dream that I had met the devil.. Normally you'd think this would've been a scary dream, but not at all really. I was in this building. Windows everywhere, good lighting, but was filled with water. Half the time I was in that building, I was swimming. There were people that I knew. Maybe it was a party. I knew it had to deal with Gabi somehow, but details are blurry at the moment. Anyways, I started seeing pans/fauns walking around the water playing music. (yes, of course with Pan flutes and such.) I started walking away from the "party" and towards the fauns. There was this one faun, beautiful creature it was.. telling me to choose wisely. I kept walking. I started seeing these humanoids with horns like rams all in different colours. The room started bursting with such beauty. Trees were growing..grass started to grow. Flowers with these amazing colours started to spourt. I reached the end of the building..the Devil was sitting there before me on his thrown. I felt this attraction towards him..he was beautiful. But I tried blocking my mind from this. He started talking to me. Telling me to join him, to sit at his side. He embraced me. He gave me a choice between him and my current life. I pulled away. I told him, even if my life isn't perfect and could be horrible at times, I didn't mind it at all. I loved my life and I would never give it up. He asked me to reassure him.. for me to look him in the eyes and tell him. I did. I started walking back. The fauns and the humanoids gathered together and followed me back to the beginning of the building. I opened the front door and walked into a bright white light. It was nothing holy, but it was nothing evil.

What did my dream mean?

Love is just a waste of our energy.

:/

My thoughts on love are too complicated. I fall so easily in and out of love. I've fallen in love with one of my friend's neighbour and I've fallen in love with a guy at my school. Then all of a sudden I've fallen in love with someone I don't even know who lives in another state. I don't even understand any of this. It's so complicated. It brings me down and it still ends up keeping me around. I need something different. I'm so sick and tired of love. There isn't anything I could do right now.

-----

On a brighter note: yesterday was the medallion ceremony. It was alright. I sat next to Alex and we were joking the whole time through it. Graduation is almost here.

Get Up, Recover!

Apparently, since I've been painting so much, my niece now wants to be like this and paint too. I'm surprised that lately she's been trying to be like me. It's a nice feeling at times, I actually don't mind. She's been begging my sister for paint. I'd lend her some of mine, but things get too messy! And acrylic paint does not wash out 99% of the times. Especially now that we moved into this house WHICH THE 2ND FLOOR IS COVERED IN CARPET. Maybe I'll end up buying her some temp. paint if my sister doesn't.

I just realized that they finally covered that ugly graffiti in my general neighbourhood area. Normally I don't mind Graffiti BUT it was horrible and disguisting lookin'. It was just scribbles. Not artisticness to it. I didn't even understand what it said, something along the lines of ocha town? No fuckin' idea.

Which reminds me of this: http://www.pro8news.com/news/blog/42646037.html

Tomorrow is that stupid pyshical. Really, what is the point? AND WHY DO THEY DECIDE TO DO IT WHEN LAREDO HEAT REACHES 101 DEGREEs? I don't want to go but I really don't feel like lying to my mother. My plan was to go to school, get picked up by my sister right after she drops me off and stay home till lunch. But.. I don't know. Still debating. I have a feelin' tomorrow is going to go BAD.

Oh, well.

Fly Trapped In a Bottle

I remember going across to Nuevo Laredo (Mexico) a lot when I was a little girl. Iwould go with my dad, my Willita (grandmother), and my cousin David. I remember we use to walk our way across and back, it was too much of a hassel to take the car. We would buy this most amazing ice cream ever. It was vanilla, but it tasted BETTER. And the strawberry ice cream was even better. We use to wait for my Tia Socoro at one of the bus stops across. Every now and then she would come and visit us from Guadalajara. I remember we would buy fruit cups, ice cream, lucas candy, and Coca-Cola in glass bottles while we waited for Tia Socoro to get to town. My cousin David and I would have contests to see who could snort the most Lucas without crying or having a nose bleed. (Yeah, we were pretty stupid kids back then.)

There was one time when we were waiting for Tia Socoro, David and I started talking about myths and legends. My Willita brought up several ones but there was one that actually stuck to me for some reason. I cannot remember it quite clearly but it had to do with something about catching a fly in a glass Coca-Cola bottle. Then some man who come and visit you in the middle of the night to leave you money. My cousin was scared of it because they said he would come as the most ugliest creature/human ever. My cousin always wanted to try it but he was afraid of the outcome.

In fact, I don't think we've ever ended up trying it. I guess we must have been afraid. I should really bring this up to him in the next family get-together.

What?

My niece told me I'm "such a great artist and writer".

Then she asked me, "Why are you a great artist?"

"Why are you a great writer?"

I have no idea what brought this up.. she just said it. I looked at her puzzled. She just starred back at me.

I guess sometime she tries to be like me.

She's been wanting a journal like mine so she just carry around all the time just like I do.

I don't know..am I flatter?

Friends With a Mormon

I never knew that I use to be best friends with a Mormon. Normally you'd think that Mormons are those annoying people that go riding their bikes door to door bothering people telling them that their religion is "blah, blah, blah". Well, apparently she wasn't, her family wasn't like that.

The only reason that I remember this was because I went to a mass today with my parents for my Tio Alex, who recently passed away. There was this little girl was an alter server that looked like my friend (from Elementary) named Ana when she was little. She had the long hair and the puffy cheeks. It was almost like her. After the mass my parents and went to Logan's for dinner. My mom brought up the little girl and then we started talking about Ana.

I remembered going to a church with her. It was a totally different experience. Everything was actually. I asked my mom what was her religion, she stopped to think about it. First, she thought they were Jehovah Witnesses, but then she remembered that they were Mormons. I made a face, I didn't know they were Mormons. My mom laughed, surprising, eh? It was. I had never realized that they were Mormons.

Oh, no, I don't have anything against Mormons, or any religion in general. I'm just not a religious person. I guess it surprised me because the only friends I had ever been with were just Christians and Catholics, only because 99.8% of the city are made of Christians and Catholics.

After my mom told me that, I guess I felt good inside. It was different.

Now, I wish I had more of a dose of other religions.

Something different.

And I just realized, Ana's brother Dean, was surprisingly hott.

I remember he used to have blue hair, and I believe his room was blue too. I remember some drawings on the wall. Maybe even some bunk beds. I don't remember clearly. I remember playing Duck Hunt. I believe he was bipolar, if I recall correctly.

Hannah Montana has taught..

my niece to tell my sister that she is the worst mom ever.

I must admit that Hannah Montana is too much for Disney.

They could do without her.

I had wished that the movie would've be the end of her.

This, What I Thought I Knew; This, What I Thought Was True..

Been working on swaps all week, nothing much really.
School will probably start on Monday.
Eh, don't want to AP test.
I wonder what's changed.
I still feel sick.
But I can't complain.

It will be a year on the 27th that I had my 2nd art journal (which I have falled to fill out in one year).

Haha..

Eno Inspires.

You'd think that will all the anxiety & throwing up..

I would've gotten use to it by now.







Last night was horrible. I threw up twice. Once my food, the other all the water I drank.

I was starting to dehydrate.

Man, fuck this.

I Find It Funny

When you say that you're starting to hate her, but in reality you're becoming JUST LIKE HER. Really, quit the bullshit and tell me you're in love with her. Our friendship is being damage by someone who doesn't even wants us to be friends. Sad, but very true.

-----

Two weeks... bring it on.

-----

I need to write a short story for a swap. (http://www.swap-bot.com/swap/show/35771)

What can I write to go along with this beginning line:

The silence of the room was deafening...?

Free Comic Book Day

Damn.. I'm such a geek.

Oh, how I love you...

Oh, how I love you And in the evening, when we are sleeping We are sleeping. Oh, we are sleeping.

Wow, I just kept clicking block quote. Whoops.

It's a Funny Thing Actually

Isn't it funny when somebody hits you accidentally and laugh while they're saying sorry?

I never really appreciated that. My mother accidentally hit me with the step ladder and I told her to watch it because I was on the floor. Sure enough within five seconds she had forgotten and hit me in the back with it. Great. And now she's angry because I'm upset at her for laughing. This pointless "argument" or "silent treatment" will last for days due to the fact that my mother and I are stubborn.

I saw an interesting fellow today.

He exchanged glances and I just look down.

He stopped in his tracks.

I kept walking.

I can't help but always do that. I end up shutting myself down. Well, on the brighter side: Swine Flu has taken over our school district. I can't tell if I'm HAPPY about school being closed for two weeks or if I'm pissed off at the fact that I have no time to do my finals and my school work at the same time. Plus, AP testing. Etc.

I need...escape.

Well, I must send in my swaps. Possibly tomorrow I'll drive over to the Post Office then go grab a cup of coffee. I don't know. Depends on what time I wake up.

I'll post my dreams later.

Swine flu closed down our schools for two weeks! Should I be happy about it? I just want to graduate already, goddaammmmmiit!

"I can't be the person you'd fall in love with. Not even in real life. I'm sorry." - "I understand Jared." - "You possibly can't Eno." - "But a part of you does."

Sometimes

I wonder why these things happen.

I wonder why they end up together.

I wonder why I couldn't understand.

Sometimes, it gets to me and I have no idea what to do or say.

Maybe.. things DO happen for a reason.

But I don't want to give in into that saying.

I've lived my life by

Whatever Happens, Happens.

There is no Fun in Funerals.

Today's plans:

Funeral for Tio Alex.
Should I be sad?
I mean.. I didn't even know him, but sometime tells me I'm going to cry anyways.
Everytime I go to a funeral I always cry. Maybe because I think of my Willita.
Or maybe because I just need to cry, just to let out emotions. I don't understand it.
Seven hours of people crying, prayinng, and a viewing of a dead body.

I feel so uncomfortable about this..

This Morning..

I woke up, ran to the bathroom and threw up blood. I started freaking out, then I realized, I was having a nose bleed. It guess it had barely started because the taste of blood makes me want to puke. And... that was pretty much my morning for today. I made breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, threw out the trash, and read the newspaper. This is me not acting my age really.

I don't know, lately, I feel more responsible. Well, at least when I'm alone at home. Other than that, I act like a spoiled brat with my parents. But it's okay, I guess. I'm trying to take responsibility. So now the dreams.

I had stopped running. I started walking through an endless field of apple trees. I guess I had been there for a while because I ended up picking some apples and the sun had gone down. I heard my name from a distance. I panicked, so I climbed into a tree. I looked around trying to find Eno. He stopped directly underneath the tree I was in.

He sat down against the tree. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Maybe I'm just one of your alter-egos, I don't even know myself," he sighed. I stayed in the tree, trying not to make any noise. "I guess, you're not going to show yourself." He dropped a bracelet on the floor. "I'm sorry."

As soon as he was out of view, I got down from the tea. I bent over and picked up the bracelet. It had these hearts linked together by two little circles in between them. (Either I had seen this bracelet before or it was just dumb luck that my mom both it for me in real life.) Anyways, I stayed there just analyzing the bracelet. I felt my eyes getting watery. "Eno?" I ran after him.

I saw him walking towards the field of Sunflowers. I ran and push him down. I started hitting him repeatedly. He grabbed my arms and got on top of me trying to stop me. "Calm down, please!" he shouted. I stopped and began to cry. He got off me and pulled me towards him. He began to play with my hair. "Please don't be angry. I can't handle it. Maybe I'm the same in real life."

Then, I woke up. That same day I went to the mall with my mother and she bought me a bracelet exactly the same. I don't understand anymore.

What is dream?

What is reality?

What I want, you can't fuckin' give.

I can't get this song out of my head.

http://gchibi.free.fr/PALM/09%20Surrender.mp3

I'll write my dreams later.

Killing time with a surv-ey.

Be honest, who are you texting?
No one. Why do I have to be honest about that?

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Somewhat.
Probably the same guy I do now.

What all did you realize today?
That my hair is really long and I need a haircut.
...I hate my curlies.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I seriously fuckin' doubt that.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Surprisingly no one.
Well, texted Jenni.
But physically, no one.

How late did you stay up last night, why?
6 AM.
I couldn't sleep.

Who's the last person you shared a drink with?
I don't remember.
Possibly my sister.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes.

If you can have only one liquid for the rest of you life what would it be?
Apple tea!

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
Fuck, no.

Have you ever lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Some girl named Vanessa. :/
It's said I still think about her from time to time.
She's gone..

Do you think you are a good person?
Possibly not, but I try to be.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Only certain things.
But I can handle it.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours?
No.

Are you a patient person?
With certain things I am.
I usually zone out so time passes by quickly.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
I always do.

How's your heart lately?
I don't understand it anymore.

When was the last time you cried?
Last night.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
Too much.

Do you care what others think about you?
Only if it's an "important" person.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
I use to.
I'm not sure I do anymore.
I hate talking on the phone now.
I always find myself hearing the same things on the other side of the line.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was okay.

Do you know how to change a diaper?
Ew, yes.

Closest green object to you?
Tiny chalk board.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
Shower.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
Asleep.

Where is your phone?
I don't know actually.

What are you excited for?
Graduation.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading e-mails.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Gabi.

Who was the last person you rode in the car with that was under 21?
Jenni.

Do you have curly hair?
Ugh, yes. HORRIBLE.

What's the last piercing you got?
My ears?

Are you mad at anyone right now?
Not really.

Do you live on your own?
Nope.

How have you felt today?
Okay, I guess.

Who was the last person you slept in a bed with?
Myself. T_T

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
Funeral.

Are you happy at the moment?
Truthfully, no.

2nd Dream

We were in a small town. I was carrying my backpack from school. Eno was whistling a tune, possibly Tom Waits? Fancy that. Anyways, we walked through the town. We stopped at this small bar where we bought ...I don't remember. Nonetheless, I was underage. (lulz, sarcasm.) After a few drinks we left. It was noon, the sun was above our heads. We started walking towards the edge of town then we followed a dirt path that led to a lake. Eno walked over to a huge bush and took out a trampoline. "I should really take this back," he said, "but I really don't want to." He threw the trampoline into the lake. I couldn't help but laugh. He looked at me and smiled. He grabbed my hand and led me towards a field of sunflowers. He threw himself in the middle of the field on a nice patch of grass bringing me down with him. The weather was beautiful. It was cold, but it felt nice with the sun. We laid in the field talking. He asked me questions about my life, my dreams, and my future. I told him everything, more than I had ever told anyone. I couldn't understand why I trusted him so much. My head was on his chest, I could hear his heartbeat. It was soothing. With a jolt I sat upright. "What's wrong?" he asked. I looked at him, "None of this is real." - "Does it matter if it's real?" - "Sometimes it does," I replied, "Sometimes I need to know the difference between dreams and reality. I can't stay in this dream. It's hard loving someone when you don't even know them at all." I began to cry. He sat upright and hugged me. "Do you really love me?" He looked into my eyes. "I can't love you if I don't even know you. I only know you in dreams." I pulled away and got up. "I thought you can control your dreams." he said. "I can't do it all the time." - "But you're doing it now aren't you?" - "I don't know..I just don't know." - "Then love me in a dream, so you can love both me and someone else in real life. There is no crime to it. I will always be in your dreams, I'll never leave you. You know I won't. Dean hasn't." - "Dean, has. Dean always leaves without a moments notice. How would I know you won't either?"

I started running and I didn't stop.

It ended there.

My Eyes Are Heavy

I can't sleep. I guess I have a certain thought on my mind. For the past few days I've been thinking of this man/guy/dude, whatever you want to call him. Let's give him a name.. Eno. (Just because I'm listening to Brian Eno right now.) Anyways, I don't know Eno, he's just there. I somehow came across him and I felt something towards him. Lately I've been having these outrageous dreams.

First dream: I woke up and had the urge to check DeviantArt for any messages. I turned on my computer and I had recieved a message from Eno. He drew a piece entitled "Ten Things We Should Do." I didn't understand it, but it said it was directed towards me. Eno had drawn ten different pictures of us doing really random things. I disreguarded it and got ready for school. I entered my first period class and sat down at the usually group (in which the tables where grouped in fours). I looked around trying to see where my teacher was. The board said, "Class you have a sub. Just finish your assignment that's due on Thursday." I smiled. I opened my backpack and took out my sketchbook and started doodling away. I heard somebody enter the classroom and felt them standing behind me. I didn't bother to look. "I guess you're not going to pay attention me now are you Jared." I twitched. I had never heard the voice before but I'm not commonly known as Jared at my school. I turned around to see Eno standing there. I opened my mouth but no words came out. He laughed. "Class I'll be your sub today." Christy and Angie just smiled and got back to their work. The two Brenda's and Victoria continued talking about their usual happenings. He walked over to my group and sat down ontop of the table next to me. "How are you Jared? Or.. in this case, Ashley," he said. I looked away. "Why are you here?" I asked. "Well," he said, "I was in the mood of traveling. I've been in Texas for a while, but I was running out of money. So I decided to get a job as a temporary substitute. So here I am. Did you recieve my message this morning?" I became shocked. "Are you stalking me?" I asked in a hushed tone. "No I'm not," he said, "I remember reading on one of your blogs that you lived in Texas and went to Nixon high school so I said to myself, 'she's a pretty interesting girl why not meet her.' I had no idea how to appoarch you, but I felt that whatever way I did wouldn't bother you." It was true, I really didn't care. But I was still shocked to hear this. "How do you know this?" I asked. He stared off into space, "I don't know, I want to say that I dreamt it but maybe you don't believe in those type of things. Shall we leave it at that?" And we did. He looked at my backpack, I handed it over to him. He took out a piece of paper & a pen and began doodling away. I looked back down at my sketchbook trying to figure out what to draw next. Couple of minutes later Gabi walked in while drinking a carton of orange juice through a straw. She sat down in front of me. She looked at Eno who was too busy doodling and looked back at me. "Who's the guy?" she asked. "Apparently this is our sub," I replied. She look shocked. "But dude, he looks like..." - "He is," I replied. Eno looked at her, said hello, and went back to doodling. I laughed. Gabi smiled and put her head down to take a nap. After a while, Eno grabbed my shoulder and turn me to the side. He grabbed my face and examined it. He got up close to my face staring into my eyes. I made a face and turned away. Eno grabbed my sketchbook and stuck the piece of paper into a random page. The bell rang. Everyone left the class right away, including Gabi. I got up about put my things away. "Let me walk you to the next class," he said. He turned off the classroom lights and we walked out the door. It started to rain on the way to my next period. I started to become angry and muttered underneath my breath. "What's wrong?" he asked. I sighed, "Nothing. Just that I forgot to bring my jacket so now I'm going to be wet and my second period teacher will be angry." He took of his coat and placed it around me. "There now," he said, "now you won't be as wet." - "You didn't have to do that." - "I know but I wanted to." I stopped. "What?" I looked around, "Nothing, I'm just..I don't know." He looked around. "Come with me," he said. We walked into the baseball feild area and went underneath the stands. I gave him a funny look. "What now?" I asked. He took a deep breath. "Would you fly with me?" I didn't know what to say. He gaves me two options.

Then the rest was a blur.

2nd Dream: Will be written later on once I wake up.

The bright side is that I have no school for the rest of the week. Yay! for me.

Let's Drink and Listen to Tom Waits

..as we wait for realization to kick in.

I guess, you can say that you are a part of me that I wish I could see.

When is the next flight to that small town?

-----

Finally got senior recital over with.

It was good.

Virus

I must admit that I'm scared. This flu virus that has been floating around Mexico is really getting me paranoid. Only because I live on the border of Texas. People from Nuevo Laredo have been wearing masks. Do they have it?

On a different note: I really need to update this.

On another note: I haven't been posting my 365 days pictures.




Oh snaaaap.

Anxiety

With all the things that are happening right now,
I can't stand this anxiety growing inside of me.

Because of anxiety, I use to throw up a lot.
Now, every time I brush my teeth or cough,
I start to gag.
It's the most horrible feeling in the world.

And no, I'm not trying to gain any fuckin' sympathy.
I'm not bulimic, I'm not anorexic.
I do not care about my weight.
and I do not make myself throw up to lose weight.

I've been like this as a kid.
I've visited doctors left and right
trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
It drives me crazy at night.

Now I have this medication that I can't even stand to take.
Little pale red pills that don't even play their part.

I'm lifeless and emotionless with them.
My life has changed because of them.
Sometimes I can't breathe without them.
But I need to learn to live without them.

It's not an addiction.
It does not give me an escape.

I don't care what you fucking say.
I've been like my whole entire life.

Such an amazing dream last night.
Too bad that that'll probably be the only one I'll ever have of you.
She's lucky she's found a guy like you.

Ten Things That We Should Do Together

Did you dream too?

Bedtime Stories

..is actually a pretty badass movie.
The story line was kind of short, kind of lame.
But the way it was filmed and the way that is used a lot of imagination

was brilliant.

This Sunday

..has ben pretty productive. :DI finally got to:
Wash clothes and my bed sheets!Paint my nails.DAVID BOWIE. :DGive the dogs a bath."Do Girly Things" that I HAVE to do, but I HATE THEM.Clean up most of my room.Organize my drawer.Found feathers I needed.Etc. :D!

And now all I "need" to do is:
Make my soccer ball.
Practice for Senior Recital.
Play WoW and level. (Probably need to pay already.)
Blah, Blah, Blah, etc.


But I'm doing great progress today. :P

Sometimes I Wish that Fact was Fiction...

and my dreams were true.
It's the only way I'd ever be closer to you.
And I hate to say this, but..

..I love you.

Easter

I miss having Easter at the Ranch.
It use to be so fun.
Then I guess once I got a boyfriend,
I hated it.
I think the last year I was at the ranch
was the first year we went to a different ranch
and the last time we ever spent Easter there.
And now all we go is go to Uncle Louie's house.
I remember last year having a lot of homework for A.P. History.
So I felt like I didn't really get to enjoy it.
I don't know.
Maybe this year will change.

Maybe I'll change.

I'm Just as Human as You.

I have needs.
I hunger.
I fear.
I cry.
I sleep.
I wake every morning with the same routine.

The only difference is.. I dream.
And not dreaming in the sense that we all know.
There's more to it.

There's more to me.

I Love What Daniel Anderson Posted.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Tooth Fairy

This probably one of the creepiest little items of news that I have ever seen. And to think that it all happened on March 3rd, my birthday!

"FALMOUTH, Mass. (AP) - A customer shopping at a Walmart told store workers he found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was about to purchase. Police said the man found the teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet. One tooth had a filling. The customer turned the wallet and the teeth over to employees but left the store without giving his name.

Police investigating the incident told The Cape Cod Times that the teeth belong to an adult, but since there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth, they would be unable to perform DNA tests.

A Walmart spokeswoman said the company believes it was an 'isolated incident,' but will investigate."

Was it just a coincidence?

It's not making any sense.

My dreams are still the same.
Jumping off of buildings,
never remembering your face.

I can't keep organized. D:

I'm so advanced in technology...

I can't back out now.


Today we went to the Genetic Conference at TAMIU.

It was boring at first.

Then it became interesting.

Chips?

I am...still alive?

I thought today was going to turn out bad, guess not. I'm another year older. Fuck. Today was fun. I got my driver's license, went to iHop with Jenni, Gabi, Alex, and Martin, made Funnel Cake, received flowers from my sister, Got a PSP and a carnivorous plant from my Daddy (Plus a David Bowie shirt soon arrive in the mail.), went to VMT with Gabi riding in the trunk since we picked up Percy, went to Tony Roma's with my parents for Dinner, and now I'm here. It was a good day. I feel like ranting. But I guess I'll save it for some other day.

Fuck damn. I'm such a spoiled kid.

My Dad ordered me the David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust shirt I've been wanting! :D

Hopefully it will be here in "20 Days". LOL

Friends

Huh?

Feelings are Useless.

I love you and I just can't help it.

It's like if you're not even real.

It's a vicious tree!

"That Gravity! It's a killer!"

Fuck. Could you feel the pain of the metal sinking in? [I get lost in my options.]

She complicates me with "love".

Then I come to realize I'm in love with total strangers. The more I know about somebody, the more I hate them. The least I know somebody, I tend to fall in love with them. :/ I'm so complicated. I can never figure out myself. I'm in love with a guy because of his words that he writes. I'm in love with a boy for the way his voice sounds through a radio transmitter. I'm in love with a boy because he's not from where I live. I'm in love with a boy because he likes Brian Eno, David Bowie, and Tom Waits. I'm in love with a boy because he dreams with the stars. I'm in love with a boy because no matter how normal he may seem to be, he is the most complex.

Am I just torturing myself?

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

003 - 01.03.09

003 - 01.03.09
Originally uploaded by Monklin

And these voices are screaming in my ears.
Who are you going to choose?
What are you going to do?
Why aren't you listening?

Photo featured in the iPod: www.flickr.com/photos/monklin/3165428110/

Angel Wings?

What a horrible dream.
They inserted these two poles into my back at an angle.
And my mom was just there watching and I was screaming in pain.
I looked to the side and Autumn had them too.
What the fuck is going on?

-----

[Update: I seriously loved this dream for some reason.]

002 - 01.02.09

002 - 01.02.09
Originally uploaded by Monklin

I will not be earthbound.
No matter what you say, I am an astronaut.
Even if I have to pretend.

001 - 01.01.09

001 - 01.01.09
Originally uploaded by Monklin

The begining of my 365 projkkt. :]
-----
The focus is me.
The artist.
The writer.
The musician.
A mixture of emotions.
Filled with dreams of going to space.
Life is a blur when all you see is dreams.
This is me.

Fiction makes me happy!

Fuck you. :P

So let's give it up for the new year.

I'm alone.

So FUCKING alone.

I don't believe I have friends anymore.

It's sad that I give my life for them.

Then they just diss me.