"I can't be the person you'd fall in love with. Not even in real life. I'm sorry." - "I understand Jared." - "You possibly can't Eno." - "But a part of you does."

Sometimes

I wonder why these things happen.

I wonder why they end up together.

I wonder why I couldn't understand.

Sometimes, it gets to me and I have no idea what to do or say.

Maybe.. things DO happen for a reason.

But I don't want to give in into that saying.

I've lived my life by

Whatever Happens, Happens.

There is no Fun in Funerals.

Today's plans:

Funeral for Tio Alex.
Should I be sad?
I mean.. I didn't even know him, but sometime tells me I'm going to cry anyways.
Everytime I go to a funeral I always cry. Maybe because I think of my Willita.
Or maybe because I just need to cry, just to let out emotions. I don't understand it.
Seven hours of people crying, prayinng, and a viewing of a dead body.

I feel so uncomfortable about this..

This Morning..

I woke up, ran to the bathroom and threw up blood. I started freaking out, then I realized, I was having a nose bleed. It guess it had barely started because the taste of blood makes me want to puke. And... that was pretty much my morning for today. I made breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, threw out the trash, and read the newspaper. This is me not acting my age really.

I don't know, lately, I feel more responsible. Well, at least when I'm alone at home. Other than that, I act like a spoiled brat with my parents. But it's okay, I guess. I'm trying to take responsibility. So now the dreams.

I had stopped running. I started walking through an endless field of apple trees. I guess I had been there for a while because I ended up picking some apples and the sun had gone down. I heard my name from a distance. I panicked, so I climbed into a tree. I looked around trying to find Eno. He stopped directly underneath the tree I was in.

He sat down against the tree. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Maybe I'm just one of your alter-egos, I don't even know myself," he sighed. I stayed in the tree, trying not to make any noise. "I guess, you're not going to show yourself." He dropped a bracelet on the floor. "I'm sorry."

As soon as he was out of view, I got down from the tea. I bent over and picked up the bracelet. It had these hearts linked together by two little circles in between them. (Either I had seen this bracelet before or it was just dumb luck that my mom both it for me in real life.) Anyways, I stayed there just analyzing the bracelet. I felt my eyes getting watery. "Eno?" I ran after him.

I saw him walking towards the field of Sunflowers. I ran and push him down. I started hitting him repeatedly. He grabbed my arms and got on top of me trying to stop me. "Calm down, please!" he shouted. I stopped and began to cry. He got off me and pulled me towards him. He began to play with my hair. "Please don't be angry. I can't handle it. Maybe I'm the same in real life."

Then, I woke up. That same day I went to the mall with my mother and she bought me a bracelet exactly the same. I don't understand anymore.

What is dream?

What is reality?

What I want, you can't fuckin' give.

I can't get this song out of my head.

http://gchibi.free.fr/PALM/09%20Surrender.mp3

I'll write my dreams later.

Killing time with a surv-ey.

Be honest, who are you texting?
No one. Why do I have to be honest about that?

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Somewhat.
Probably the same guy I do now.

What all did you realize today?
That my hair is really long and I need a haircut.
...I hate my curlies.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I seriously fuckin' doubt that.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Surprisingly no one.
Well, texted Jenni.
But physically, no one.

How late did you stay up last night, why?
6 AM.
I couldn't sleep.

Who's the last person you shared a drink with?
I don't remember.
Possibly my sister.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes.

If you can have only one liquid for the rest of you life what would it be?
Apple tea!

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
Fuck, no.

Have you ever lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Some girl named Vanessa. :/
It's said I still think about her from time to time.
She's gone..

Do you think you are a good person?
Possibly not, but I try to be.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Only certain things.
But I can handle it.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours?
No.

Are you a patient person?
With certain things I am.
I usually zone out so time passes by quickly.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
I always do.

How's your heart lately?
I don't understand it anymore.

When was the last time you cried?
Last night.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
Too much.

Do you care what others think about you?
Only if it's an "important" person.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
I use to.
I'm not sure I do anymore.
I hate talking on the phone now.
I always find myself hearing the same things on the other side of the line.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was okay.

Do you know how to change a diaper?
Ew, yes.

Closest green object to you?
Tiny chalk board.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
Shower.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
Asleep.

Where is your phone?
I don't know actually.

What are you excited for?
Graduation.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading e-mails.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Gabi.

Who was the last person you rode in the car with that was under 21?
Jenni.

Do you have curly hair?
Ugh, yes. HORRIBLE.

What's the last piercing you got?
My ears?

Are you mad at anyone right now?
Not really.

Do you live on your own?
Nope.

How have you felt today?
Okay, I guess.

Who was the last person you slept in a bed with?
Myself. T_T

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
Funeral.

Are you happy at the moment?
Truthfully, no.

2nd Dream

We were in a small town. I was carrying my backpack from school. Eno was whistling a tune, possibly Tom Waits? Fancy that. Anyways, we walked through the town. We stopped at this small bar where we bought ...I don't remember. Nonetheless, I was underage. (lulz, sarcasm.) After a few drinks we left. It was noon, the sun was above our heads. We started walking towards the edge of town then we followed a dirt path that led to a lake. Eno walked over to a huge bush and took out a trampoline. "I should really take this back," he said, "but I really don't want to." He threw the trampoline into the lake. I couldn't help but laugh. He looked at me and smiled. He grabbed my hand and led me towards a field of sunflowers. He threw himself in the middle of the field on a nice patch of grass bringing me down with him. The weather was beautiful. It was cold, but it felt nice with the sun. We laid in the field talking. He asked me questions about my life, my dreams, and my future. I told him everything, more than I had ever told anyone. I couldn't understand why I trusted him so much. My head was on his chest, I could hear his heartbeat. It was soothing. With a jolt I sat upright. "What's wrong?" he asked. I looked at him, "None of this is real." - "Does it matter if it's real?" - "Sometimes it does," I replied, "Sometimes I need to know the difference between dreams and reality. I can't stay in this dream. It's hard loving someone when you don't even know them at all." I began to cry. He sat upright and hugged me. "Do you really love me?" He looked into my eyes. "I can't love you if I don't even know you. I only know you in dreams." I pulled away and got up. "I thought you can control your dreams." he said. "I can't do it all the time." - "But you're doing it now aren't you?" - "I don't know..I just don't know." - "Then love me in a dream, so you can love both me and someone else in real life. There is no crime to it. I will always be in your dreams, I'll never leave you. You know I won't. Dean hasn't." - "Dean, has. Dean always leaves without a moments notice. How would I know you won't either?"

I started running and I didn't stop.

It ended there.

My Eyes Are Heavy

I can't sleep. I guess I have a certain thought on my mind. For the past few days I've been thinking of this man/guy/dude, whatever you want to call him. Let's give him a name.. Eno. (Just because I'm listening to Brian Eno right now.) Anyways, I don't know Eno, he's just there. I somehow came across him and I felt something towards him. Lately I've been having these outrageous dreams.

First dream: I woke up and had the urge to check DeviantArt for any messages. I turned on my computer and I had recieved a message from Eno. He drew a piece entitled "Ten Things We Should Do." I didn't understand it, but it said it was directed towards me. Eno had drawn ten different pictures of us doing really random things. I disreguarded it and got ready for school. I entered my first period class and sat down at the usually group (in which the tables where grouped in fours). I looked around trying to see where my teacher was. The board said, "Class you have a sub. Just finish your assignment that's due on Thursday." I smiled. I opened my backpack and took out my sketchbook and started doodling away. I heard somebody enter the classroom and felt them standing behind me. I didn't bother to look. "I guess you're not going to pay attention me now are you Jared." I twitched. I had never heard the voice before but I'm not commonly known as Jared at my school. I turned around to see Eno standing there. I opened my mouth but no words came out. He laughed. "Class I'll be your sub today." Christy and Angie just smiled and got back to their work. The two Brenda's and Victoria continued talking about their usual happenings. He walked over to my group and sat down ontop of the table next to me. "How are you Jared? Or.. in this case, Ashley," he said. I looked away. "Why are you here?" I asked. "Well," he said, "I was in the mood of traveling. I've been in Texas for a while, but I was running out of money. So I decided to get a job as a temporary substitute. So here I am. Did you recieve my message this morning?" I became shocked. "Are you stalking me?" I asked in a hushed tone. "No I'm not," he said, "I remember reading on one of your blogs that you lived in Texas and went to Nixon high school so I said to myself, 'she's a pretty interesting girl why not meet her.' I had no idea how to appoarch you, but I felt that whatever way I did wouldn't bother you." It was true, I really didn't care. But I was still shocked to hear this. "How do you know this?" I asked. He stared off into space, "I don't know, I want to say that I dreamt it but maybe you don't believe in those type of things. Shall we leave it at that?" And we did. He looked at my backpack, I handed it over to him. He took out a piece of paper & a pen and began doodling away. I looked back down at my sketchbook trying to figure out what to draw next. Couple of minutes later Gabi walked in while drinking a carton of orange juice through a straw. She sat down in front of me. She looked at Eno who was too busy doodling and looked back at me. "Who's the guy?" she asked. "Apparently this is our sub," I replied. She look shocked. "But dude, he looks like..." - "He is," I replied. Eno looked at her, said hello, and went back to doodling. I laughed. Gabi smiled and put her head down to take a nap. After a while, Eno grabbed my shoulder and turn me to the side. He grabbed my face and examined it. He got up close to my face staring into my eyes. I made a face and turned away. Eno grabbed my sketchbook and stuck the piece of paper into a random page. The bell rang. Everyone left the class right away, including Gabi. I got up about put my things away. "Let me walk you to the next class," he said. He turned off the classroom lights and we walked out the door. It started to rain on the way to my next period. I started to become angry and muttered underneath my breath. "What's wrong?" he asked. I sighed, "Nothing. Just that I forgot to bring my jacket so now I'm going to be wet and my second period teacher will be angry." He took of his coat and placed it around me. "There now," he said, "now you won't be as wet." - "You didn't have to do that." - "I know but I wanted to." I stopped. "What?" I looked around, "Nothing, I'm just..I don't know." He looked around. "Come with me," he said. We walked into the baseball feild area and went underneath the stands. I gave him a funny look. "What now?" I asked. He took a deep breath. "Would you fly with me?" I didn't know what to say. He gaves me two options.

Then the rest was a blur.

2nd Dream: Will be written later on once I wake up.

The bright side is that I have no school for the rest of the week. Yay! for me.

Let's Drink and Listen to Tom Waits

..as we wait for realization to kick in.

I guess, you can say that you are a part of me that I wish I could see.

When is the next flight to that small town?

-----

Finally got senior recital over with.

It was good.

Virus

I must admit that I'm scared. This flu virus that has been floating around Mexico is really getting me paranoid. Only because I live on the border of Texas. People from Nuevo Laredo have been wearing masks. Do they have it?

On a different note: I really need to update this.

On another note: I haven't been posting my 365 days pictures.




Oh snaaaap.

Anxiety

With all the things that are happening right now,
I can't stand this anxiety growing inside of me.

Because of anxiety, I use to throw up a lot.
Now, every time I brush my teeth or cough,
I start to gag.
It's the most horrible feeling in the world.

And no, I'm not trying to gain any fuckin' sympathy.
I'm not bulimic, I'm not anorexic.
I do not care about my weight.
and I do not make myself throw up to lose weight.

I've been like this as a kid.
I've visited doctors left and right
trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
It drives me crazy at night.

Now I have this medication that I can't even stand to take.
Little pale red pills that don't even play their part.

I'm lifeless and emotionless with them.
My life has changed because of them.
Sometimes I can't breathe without them.
But I need to learn to live without them.

It's not an addiction.
It does not give me an escape.

I don't care what you fucking say.
I've been like my whole entire life.

Such an amazing dream last night.
Too bad that that'll probably be the only one I'll ever have of you.
She's lucky she's found a guy like you.

Ten Things That We Should Do Together

Did you dream too?

Bedtime Stories

..is actually a pretty badass movie.
The story line was kind of short, kind of lame.
But the way it was filmed and the way that is used a lot of imagination

was brilliant.

This Sunday

..has ben pretty productive. :DI finally got to:
Wash clothes and my bed sheets!Paint my nails.DAVID BOWIE. :DGive the dogs a bath."Do Girly Things" that I HAVE to do, but I HATE THEM.Clean up most of my room.Organize my drawer.Found feathers I needed.Etc. :D!

And now all I "need" to do is:
Make my soccer ball.
Practice for Senior Recital.
Play WoW and level. (Probably need to pay already.)
Blah, Blah, Blah, etc.


But I'm doing great progress today. :P

Sometimes I Wish that Fact was Fiction...

and my dreams were true.
It's the only way I'd ever be closer to you.
And I hate to say this, but..

..I love you.

Easter

I miss having Easter at the Ranch.
It use to be so fun.
Then I guess once I got a boyfriend,
I hated it.
I think the last year I was at the ranch
was the first year we went to a different ranch
and the last time we ever spent Easter there.
And now all we go is go to Uncle Louie's house.
I remember last year having a lot of homework for A.P. History.
So I felt like I didn't really get to enjoy it.
I don't know.
Maybe this year will change.

Maybe I'll change.

I'm Just as Human as You.

I have needs.
I hunger.
I fear.
I cry.
I sleep.
I wake every morning with the same routine.

The only difference is.. I dream.
And not dreaming in the sense that we all know.
There's more to it.

There's more to me.

I Love What Daniel Anderson Posted.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Tooth Fairy

This probably one of the creepiest little items of news that I have ever seen. And to think that it all happened on March 3rd, my birthday!

"FALMOUTH, Mass. (AP) - A customer shopping at a Walmart told store workers he found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was about to purchase. Police said the man found the teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet. One tooth had a filling. The customer turned the wallet and the teeth over to employees but left the store without giving his name.

Police investigating the incident told The Cape Cod Times that the teeth belong to an adult, but since there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth, they would be unable to perform DNA tests.

A Walmart spokeswoman said the company believes it was an 'isolated incident,' but will investigate."