oh, dear.

I forget about this thing and I wish I didn't. These past two-three weeks have been interesting. My friend Alex and I have been hanging out a lot lately. We've been going for walks, talking about life, and playing music (mostly him though). This have been getting better.

Two Saturdays ago, Martin, Alex, Jenni, Gabi, and I hung out. We didn't know what to do so we hung outside of the school near my house in the middle of the night. Some weird white truck passed by us really slowly, did a u-turn and stopped in front of us. It turned on its headlights and then the undercover cop lights went on. It was definitely an OH SHIT moment. The cop was nice, he just asked us what we were doing and we told him we were deciding what to do since the cafe we wanted to go to was closed. The cop laughed and said, "I hear ya. There's nothing to do here." He told us to be safe and left. We decided to go to Taco Palenque but then decided on iHop instead. Best choice ever.

Between this time and Friday, probably Monday, Alex and I went for a walk and took my dogs with us this time. We took a break and sat down by the school and a cop pulled up by us again. This time this guy was just an asshole. I'm not saying all cops are, but this one didn't even give us a break. We were just listening to music and playing with my dogs. He asked for our ideas and Alex should him his. He then began to ask us questions and asked me if my dogs belonged to me. I tried holding back my anger and just told him yes. After he tried being all tough shit he said, "SO YOU ALL ARE ON YOUR WAY HOME, RIGHT?" And we looked at him like WHAT THE FUCK. It wasn't even past eleven yet. We just told him yes and just kept walking. Damn asshole.

Last Friday, I helped make some decorations for the LCC Dance with Kappa Pi. It was a productive day. I went to dinner with my parents and then went out walking with Alex afterwards. We ended up seeing the most amazing meteor hit the atmosphere. It was a bright green color and had a tail that looked like sparks. Once it passed through the atmosphere, it broke into two to three pieces. It lasted for a little more than 5 seconds and it was just the most amazing thing ever.

Last Saturday, Jenni, Gabi, Alex, and I went to go to a cafe. We stopped at the new cafe called Caffe Dolce but they didn't open 'til five. So, we decided to go to Cuadro's instead. We waited in the parking lot for the longest time but they never opened. We then decided to go back to Caffe Dolce and agreed that it was the best decision ever. We all got a cupcake, Alex and I got a coffee, and Jenni got a grilled cheese sandwich. Honestly, it was the best food I've ever had in the longest time. Afterwards, I had to go babysit and Alex had to go clean up his house. Alex dropped Jenni and Gabi to get Jenni's car and they met me at my house while Alex dropped me off at home. I put make-up on Jenni and we had the biggest laugh attack ever from reading our "Warped Tour Story" from middle school that Jenni and I wrote. Alex met us later on during the night and we talked for a long while. Jenni and Alex got preoccupied by playing with my toy gun. Gabi left after a while and Jenni, Alex, and I were getting chilled out in my room. Jenni fell asleep and Alex and I just talked. Alex and I did the most laziest hug in the world and Jenni woke up and freaked us out.

Yesterday, I got into an arguement with some rediculous, closed-minded asshole in my Photography class. Our teacher was giving us our new assignment and we had to mimic the style of the Photographer. There was one Photographer who did nudes. The teacher would go around the class showing the picture and every time our teacher would show the nude to the asshole's way, he'd be like "omfgeww". To ANY picture of ANYTHING naked, or even just a picture of a girl's back showing, he would over react and cover his eyes. Our teacher then said, "I bet you all want to mimic his photography now, right?" And jokingly, I said, "I know who isn't!" He asked me who and I pointed to the asshole. Then the asshole spoke, "WHY NOT?" Then I began to argue. "Because every time they show you a nude picture you get all freaked out and cover your eyes." Then he got mad and said, "WELL, I'M NOT A PERVERT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE." Then me, Ray, and Jessica, got completely offended by him. My teacher started to laugh and thus beginning the debate of "Porn or Art". We ended up taking a break and I went out to drink water. The guy followed me and asked me if I was going to take nudes. I told him I would like to, but it wouldn't be likely. He then said only pervs did that. I got even more offended and told him I woke take some nudes just to piss him off. I pushed him out of my way and walked back to class. My teacher told me, Jessica, and Ray about some extreme nude artist and we looked it up on my iPhone. We started laughing about it and went looking through all the pictures, along with some guy that sits on the other side of the table. The asshole walks in and sat in his place. The asshole asked what we were looking at and we told him it was rated TV-MA times XXX. He called us perverts and turned around. We found a picture that was completely rated "XXX" and showed it to our teacher. The asshole then gets near our teacher trying to see the picture that we were showing him. Ray and I caught him and just snatched my phone back.

In all seriousness, this guy is just a creep. I know I shouldn't say anything bad, but he's just completely disrespectful, closed-minded, arrogant, and just a plain out idiot. I wish this guy will get what's coming for him now. I'm a hothead and I was seriously about to take him out in front of everybody. Calling us artists "perverts" is just plain wrong. One day his going to push someone's button and really get it then.

Well, anyways, later on that day, Alex came over for a bit and we just talked and played guitar. He tried teaching me yesterday but I made it difficult for him. I felt uncomfortable inside with my family being downstairs so we went outside. We sat on the floor and were about to play but then we heard an owl. We walked across the street to see if it was there but it still sounded farther. We put in our guitars and decided to go search for the owl. Somewhere along the line, Alex had to go to the bathroom and I waited outside of his house. I got freaked out pretty badly but some cats that were running around, fighting. We walked towards the school near my house and we forgot about the owl. We laid down outside of my house for a while and I saw a meteor. Sadly, Alex didn't see it.

Today I didn't go to school because I woke up late and I just didn't feel too good about it. They also ended up cancelling my hair appointment today. Well, at least I got to wash my car and vacuum the inside.

I'm tired now. I want someone to come over, but I doubt that's going to happen. Oh, well. Maybe this weekend.

Forgetful

I forgot to post last week. I'll admit it.. I am forgetful, but let's not forget, I'm still human! Anyways, I'm having a hard time remembering last week.

I:

- was able to do my prints for class and extra prints.

- attended another Kappa Pi meeting on Friday.

- went out with my family for dinner on Friday.

- dragged Alex out to take pictures with me Saturday and Sunday.

- have been having terrible nightmares.

That's all I can remember so far.

Today was a good day in a sense that there was an amazing cold front this morning.

I got to develop my film today. Wednesday I make prints. Sadly, I didn't get a silhouette.

Fotografia

So, last week I had mentioned that I was cut open again. Well, I missed about three days of school and worried that I would fall behind. I would've gone to class, but I was under so much medication that I couldn't even get up from my bed. This week I returned to all my classes and found out that they really didn't do much. I was able to catch up quickly and get ahead. I was sad for a while because I missed my Photography last week when we were going to do prints from our negatives for the first time. Mr. Johnson (my photography teacher) replied back to my e-mail and told me what I had missed and told me that he assigned for us to take more pictures by using the blurring/panning/freezing techniques. All weekend I forgot about it, then remembered on Sunday and got unbelievably worried. I didn't want to get more behind, so Monday morning I went to school early bought three films and tried taking some shots. I couldn't get any good ones at school, so I decided to ditch Yoga and picked up my friend Gabi to go take pictures with me at the park. Luckily, I was able to arrive at school on time and I was able to develop my film. I was happy that I was able to get some decent shots. I was only able to do my contact sheets and no prints, so I was excited for Wednesday.

Thursday sucked. Design I was alright, but Biology was just absolutely horrible.

Yesterday, I had an absolutely fantastic day. For some reason, I just woke up in the best mood of my life. The night before I was stressing out on a presentation because I had to put it together for my group and one of them didn't send me their information because they wrote my e-mail down wrong. Luckily, that morning I checked my e-mail and it was there. She had done her own slide for our PowerPoint so I was able to just insert it without any problems. Then Yoga was pretty much fun! It's a lot of work and movement, but it's totally fantastic. Right now I don't have much upper body strength than I do lower body, so I just have to really work on that. Then Photography was just ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I was finally able to make three prints of my panning/blurring/freezing assignment. I was actually working faster than the other students. I would've been able to do five prints, but it was my first time making prints. I had a slow start because he made me start off with contrasting, burning, and dodging, instead of just printing. But I must say, it was pretty fun. My teacher saw me working hard and told me that I could take a break. I laughed and told him that I was having too much fun to stop. He told me that maybe photography could be my calling. And you know what? I think so, too.

Today was an okay day, I can't complain much. Design I went by pretty fast, so it was good. There was a Kappa Pi meeting two hours after I got out of class, so I picked up my friend Gabi and went to eat at Taco Bell with her.

Anyways, here's the three prints I made yesterday:

Lonely

I'm feeling really down at the moment and I've been trying to cheer myself up. I hate being so shy. It's unbelievably hard for me to even speak up some times. Maybe I'm just too scared of being judged.

Anyways, I went to the doctor again this past week. They had to cut me open again, but this time they REALLY injected me with medication to numb me. Only reason they did so was because I got an anxiety attack and started to cry in front of the doctor. Being cut open hurts like hell. My pain level is low. I even go crazy when people tug at my hair. I'm really sensitive to things.

I have a crush on someone and I hate it.

I really need to find closure.

New Beginnings

Apparently, there was a fire at my college yesterday. One of the art majors I know posted on Facebook that our art gallery caught fire. They were thinking that lightning hit it. It's so unbelievably! And we barely opened the gallery three days ago for the student art show. I hope the gallery can be salvaged. At least the artwork was supposedly saved, so that's good news.

On Thursday I went to a Kappa Pi (art ferturnity) meeting and decided to join! I've had class with most of the people who are in it, so it isn't so bad. Yesterday, Mr. Short held a meeting for the art majors but only a few people went. It was okay.

I'm slowly stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to do new things. Hopefully I will go get the guts to go apply for a job.

I Thank My Lucky Stars I Found You.

College has been good to me. The second week of school went well. So far, I've gotten a great critic from one of my teachers on a collage I did (view below), learned how to use my Single Lens Reflex camera, and have been up to date with my homework. The only classes that I don't like are my actual academic classes, speech and biology. Luckily, I'm taking those online so it's better than attending a boring speech.

So, today was the LCC Student Art Show! My mom ended up going and I met up with her after class. She saw my horrid still life and liked it. I honestly hated my piece. For one thing, it's just a still life. Also, it really doesn't show any artistic freedom like all the other pieces of art that were there. Nevertheless, I was glad to be a part of it. I guess you could say that I had a shining moment.. my 15 minutes of fame. Anyways, I'm off to bed now. Here's a picture of my horrid piece at the show.

P.S. I have Tom Waits "Closing Time" album in my head. Especially the song "Little Trip to Heaven".

College

My classes have been absolutely amazing so far! On Mondays and Wednesdays, I have Art History, Yoga, and Photography. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have Design I, and my Biology lab on Tuesdays only. So far, the first two days have been uplifting! I know someone in all of my classes except Photography, but I can totally befriend the girl that sat two seats away from me. She seems.. nice?

Anyways, today I was waiting outside my classroom 30 minutes before it started and I found out some girl named Angelica changed her class from the afternoon to my class time. Then I found out this girl from my Design II class was also in my Design I class. So that was good to find out!

BUT NOW, the most important thing of today.

I finally got back my Drawing II art pieces, and found out one of 'em is going to be in my college's student art show. So., I'm excited, even though I hated that art piece. But, hey! At least it's something.

I just need to attend my Biology lab, get my blood pressure checked, buy a yoga mat, and then I can finally settle down and soak in the happiness.

Tomorrow is going to be fun, we're going to use a pin-hole camera. I'm unbelievably excited.

Illustration

My friend Alex texted me earlier and he gave me something to draw. We were talking about dreams, so I ended up drawing a scenery from his dreams after giving me some details. I decided to use pastels since I hadn't touched them in a long while.

I really need to start working on illustration more often. :D

I'm still tweaking it a bit, but here's what I did tonight:

Habbit

I should write in this blog more often, I always forget about this thing. Anyways, today I went with my sister to LCC to buy my books for class and apparently we spent over $900 books. And to top that all off, most of them were mine. Now that's pretty sad, especially since I bought USED textbooks. Oh, well.. I'm excited for this coming semester, so it's alright. I'm taking Art History, Design I, and Photography. This will complete all my art basics.

Anyways, I'm starting to come up with more ideas for my take on the Sketchbook Project, my theme is Sleepless. I've done the cover and two entries so far. They're not my best, but I like them very much.

I'm going to read for the rest of the day. :3

I need more artistic stimulation!

Hope

This summer has had it's ups and down, but this past weekend was just magnificent. I hung out with a group of friends on Friday and it had been the most fun I've had in a long time. I'm glad that I chose not to be such a recluse and get out of the house that day. Then yesterday (Saturday), Alex came over and we just talked and looked for meteors all night (Alex saw 17, I saw 14).

Truly, this summer has been the best. Even though there has been a period of sadness, everything is alright. And just for some reason right now, I found hope. Hope that there's always going to be a better tomorrow. The hope of being able to enjoy life. The hope of falling in love.

My judgement may be impaired right now, but this has been the most uplifting mood I have ever been in a long time.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be a spectacular day.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Apparently, last week I got a haircut and I love it! At first, I just wanted something different, I didn't want to go short because it's summer and my hair is too hard to handle because of the frizziness. Somehow my mother was able to talk me into it and I don't regret it.

Anyways, I have two more weeks on summer school left. My U.S. History II class has been total hell. I have to read a chapter a day, do 3 quizzes for each chapter, and only have an hour to do each test. Let me tell you, I am not doing so well in that class. I want to get at LEAST a B, but nothing lower than a C. My government class is okay, there's nothing to complain about since we only do four tests, and in my first test I got a B (but it was curved into an A), so nothing to complain about.

On July 1st, I need to wake up extremely early, take my final exams, and leave with my friend Jenni to Warped Tour. The only reason I'm going is because of Motion City Soundtrack!

Anyways, I guess that is all.

05182010

Things have been going study. For the past week or two, I've been on bed rest due to a bump on my leg. I doubt you'd want to hear the story. Let's just say that they had to cut my leg and there was a lot of pain involved. Anyways, it's my short summer break before I start summer classes in two weeks and I have not been able to do much. I guess this is a chance for me to catch up on a few things and set my mind straight on others.

Things I've been working on:

- Portrait Project

- Windows Project

- Writing Postcards & Letters

- Art House Co-op Projects

- Filling up old sketchbooks.

Things are changing and I think we all know it. Hopefully things are changing for the better right now. I think I need a miracle at this moment.

I want my leg to get better. I'm tired of being stuck in my own house. Today was the first day in a while that I was able to set foot outside.

I want to travel.

Anguish?

Why did I hate everything so much? Why did I stop believing in “God”? Why did I lie to myself everyday just to put myself down? Why did I hurt myself?

Things have changed. I feel that I’m becoming a better person even though some people may think otherwise. I stopped hurting myself physically, emotional, and mentally. I’m finally letting people back into my life. I can finally wake up in the mornings without dragging my feet. I’m finally smiling again without even faking it. I have come to terms with my “spirituality” and now believe that in one form or another, there is a god out there. It may not be the god that you believe in, but I’m pretty sure he or she is the same in a way.

I don’t know when I dawned upon this, but I now realize that life is wonderful even through the ups and downs. My family and friends are what keep me sane.

I am alive.

So, where am I now and where am I going? In all honesty, I am more lost than ever. I am chasing my dreams without a map. This is an adventure with many possible outcomes.

Right now my mind is made of mush.. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or because I’m always like this. Probably both.

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to disappear, but then I realize that’s nonsense.

Artface

I literally passed out on my bed with all my sketchbooks.

The last thing I remembered was getting picked up by a couple of friends,

having a drink with them, then coming back home again.

I woke up with fucking blue and yellow paint on my face.

Apparently, I had starting working on an art piece.

What was I going to draw?

Right Now

…there is a pile of sketchbooks and journals on my bed.

I don’t even know how many I have anymore.

There should be about two big ones, two medium,

one square, one mini, and my ‘Wreck This Journal’ book.

Plus, my sketchbook for class.

Oh, yeah.

Plus, the one I got for my birthday.

Oh, dear.

Plus, my “scrap” sketchbook that I’ve had forever.

Now to decide which one to work on.

Space

So why space? I love what you wrote, but why do you think space came to mind |:? by T9SayWha

Here’s a response to a formspring question.

Well depends on what SPACE we’re talking about.

space   [speys] Show IPA noun, verb,spaced, spac·ing, adjective

–noun

1. the unlimited or incalculably great three-dimensional realm or expanse in which all material objects are located and all events occur.

2. the portion or extent of this in a given instance; extent or room in three dimensions: the space occupied by a body.

3. extent or area in two dimensions; a particular extent of surface: to fill out blank spaces in a document.

4. Fine Arts.

a. the designed and structured surface of a picture: In Mondrian’s later work he organized space in highly complex rhythms.

b. the illusion of depth on a two-dimensional surface.

5. outer space.

8. a place available for a particular purpose: a parking space.

9. linear distance; a particular distance: trees separated by equal spaces.

11. extent, or a particular extent, of time: a space of two hours.

12. an interval of time; a while: After a space he continued his story.

19. freedom or opportunity to express oneself, resolve a personal difficulty, be alone, etc.; allowance, understanding, or noninterference: Right now, you can help by giving me some space.

–verb (used with object)

20. to fix the space or spaces of; divide into spaces.

21. to set some distance apart.

For me, space is/was distance between myself and the catalyst that has interfered my system of what I live by. It is also the emptiness I need in my mind. A free-flowing train of though that is allowed to expand as far as it can. And Space, the imaginary room of where I reside when I need time away from reality.

Then of course, outer space.

Confusing, isn’t it?

Concept of Space

I need to let this out through a stream of writing.

This will probably not make sense to you.

These past few weeks have been different.. I’m not sure if I like it or not. Lately, I’ve been uneasy like the sea because my mind is not in sync with my brain. I’ve lost sense of the only logic I know and my emotions are spilling out every time I tip over. I’ve dreamt of this a thousand times, but always with different possibilities. This was not foreseen. No.. it was not. It shifts every second, every day. Should I make up my mind? Should I give in? No, I will not. I have stuck to a system for years and it has kept me stable. But one false move and everything I’ve ever known is different again. This is a different change, nothing I’ve ever expected before. For three weeks, I have been empty. My mind has been empty. I cannot think, I cannot create. Wait.. I can think. I only think about the things I have seen. The shadow of the blinds and telephone lines. Then, I think about the noise.. the fan clicking through the night. I’ve scribbled this down a thousand times. They are imprinted forever in my mind. It never stuck with me till now. Why? I don’t know.. maybe I do. But you wouldn’t understand. Oh, no.. you never will. My mind is constant even though I may not even notice it. My mind is.. space. Undeniable space. Universal space. Space. I am floating through space. There is no time, there is no light. It is space. Free floating. No gravity. No levity. Space.

I’m trying to grab the concept of space and turn it into something visible.

dream03272010.exe

It was you.

It was me.

Sitting alone on a mountain of gold.

Sunflowers bursting and blooming against the moon.

The dust fell upon my eyes.

I turned to look at your face.

I could not see it.

You pointed up at the sky.

The shards were falling down.

Covering your head

you turned to me.

“Can you hear it?”

Brain Food

Today I had breakfast tacos from a gas station, went to the eye doctor with my sister, went to B. Dalton to get some books on sale, and went to Salsa's for lunch and had sushi.

I hate the fact that we're not going to have a bookstore anymore. B. Dalton's has always been there since I've remembered. It's where I would always go when my mother takes forever shopping. Now I need to order books online, which is not so bad, but I like looking through the shelves and being able to grab a book and skim through it. Hopefully we'll get another bookstore soon.

Well, today I got nine books:

• The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Century: 1910
• Star Trek - The Manga (I know, me with a manga? Crazy.)
• Bowie: a Biography (Of course, I couldn't pass this up! David Bowie is my love!)
• Invisible Man
• Freak the Mighty
• I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
• Maggie: A Girl of the Streets (and Selected Stories)
• Go Ask Alice

All for $50, which I find to be a good deal. Plus, I also got a tiny lawn gnome! I couldn't resist. 8D

When is it closing? I should go one last time. I feel like today it didn't set in my mind that it's closing.

Shit.

Night Terrors

Every night for the past few days, I've been having a dream of my ex-boyfriend and I hate it. I wake up crying because I'm scared he'll come back and do something to me. Kill me, rape me, humiliate me.. but he's not like that. At least, from what I remember him to be, he was never so cruel. I always try to escape him from my dreams. My parents would even invite him over and I would hate it. He'd go to my room and trap me in there with him. I don't even want to write this down, but I feel like I have to. Ever since I got those picture from Warped Tour back, his face has been imprinted in my mind. I wake up feeling sick.

I'm rambling.

I'll fix this later.

I don't want to remember him.

This must be it, welcome to the New Year!

So, since this is now the year of change, I've decided to try and keep up with this blog. Hopefully that will mean more posts about art, dreams, and other nonsense, rather than my usual depressing situations. My life might not be interesting, but hey! At least I can come back and look at the past for the hell of it.

So, a new year, eh? It started off good. Well.. it could've been better if I wasn't sick. Apparently, I have a stomach virus. I woke up around 9 AM and oh, dear god, I've never puked so much in my life. I took a long shower then came back to my room and went back to sleep. Around 6 PM, I heard my mom's side of the family downstairs playing Lotería. I got dressed went downstairs and sat outside with my dogs. It was a pleasant evening. After my mom's side of the family left, we picked up some of the trash, ate dinner, and then watched Julie & Julia and Duplicity.

Julie & Julia: I honestly thought it was a good movie, but I didn't like the ending. I loved the color scheme throughout the movie and the way they would dress.

Duplicity: I thought it was too complicated. I understood it in the end of course, but it just didn't catch my attention. All the "badass" parts were towards the end of the movie. But I did like the ending.

Now, I'm here in my room watching the Twilight Zone marathon and listening to my dog fight with her reflection in the mirror.

Good day, good day.