Change

I'm changing again.

I've finally decided to clean out my pendrive.

I found a lot of interesting conversations that made me happy and very sad.

I finally got myself to delete them after a year.

Time to move forward again and forget the past.

Goodbye good memories.

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I'll be waiting for Winter.

All the Shame it Brings, Changes Everything.

So, in reality, I have become less addicted to the computer. I believe that I'm changing again. This week has been really awkward. Even too awkward for my limits. School is very different. I'm now a Senior and I'm taking random classes. I got to change Criminal Justice for Chembridge (aka UChem., College Chemistry, etc.). We have a new principal at VMT, which I have failed to see, and the time schedules are off between my home school and my magnet school. There's a lot more freshmen this year in VMT. I haven't had lunch at VMT either, so it's weird. Wait, no! It's different. But enough of that.

Mona bought me Batman: The Killing Joke [Deluxe Edition]! I love her! I must pay her back!

Last week, I felt human! It was such a wonderful feeling! We made s'mores at Jenni's house and I had so much fun. It was the first time I had felt so happy and alive. Then another time, we went to eat at iHop and we had a good time. [But it doesn't come with toast!] We were very hyper and we just couldn't stop laughing. Then on another day, possibly Saturday, we went to watch The Hulk at the dollar movies and we went walking to Walmart, where we got stopped by this 21 yr. old chuc lady and a group of chuc kids. Plus, I bought Dexter Season 2! [I rip you!]

Really, I'm not in the mood of typing. I'm probably going to be off to bed in a bit.

Today I went to the mall with Mona! I bought another Batman comic. [Batman: Going Sane] Then I came home and watched the Last Mimzy with my mommy. THEN we went to iHop. Yay! for having breakfast for dinner two nights in a row!









P.S. I've gotten use to the "dress code" now. And I have to admit, I love my pants now, so much that I haven't washed my beige pants in three days. ._.

The Sun

is my God.


R E I N C A R N A T I O N

:] :] :] :] :]

I'm inspired for tomorrow.

Like the Emptiness of War.

This have been by far, the WORST week ever of summer. I missed the meteor shower because my dad forgot about it and went to sleep early. So I decided to let my parents to sleep. :/ Then today, I woke up late for my appointment with the dentist. They put in those stupid fillings to prevent cavities and they actually fixed my cavity without numbing me. So I was a bit of a happy camper. But the lady scared me, because she was holding this thing that looked like a shot. I had those things. D: Then Driver's Ed was just so LAME. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Whatever we're "learning" there, I could just figure out online. Fuck. That. Shit. Ugh. Then today we saw THE MOST PERFECT HOUSE EVER. And then one of the power line poles was in the backyard and my mom didn't like that. D: HORRIBLE. I think we might buy that red brick house. I don't know. My thoughts are scattered at the moment.

My Blood is Tainted With Bitterness, I Want it Out, I Want it Out of Me.

I'm so... I can't even explain. I miss having someone... loving someone. I feel so alone. I feel as if I don't even have friends anymore. Everyone and everything is changing. It's just so... overwhelming. Jenni is moving as soon as she graduates. Percy and I aren't that close and it's hard for us to keep a conversation going without arguing over who's theory is more accurate. Hippie works and spends all her time with her boyfriend. And somewhere along the lines, Dell and I just stopped talking. Louis probably feels awkward talking to me, possibly because of last summer. Tokyo's a liar and damaged me too much. Claudia is always in Mexico. Monika is always hyper and sometimes I feel like I can't have a "serious conversation" with her. Teej has changed since... forever. And I have changed too. And it's hard for me to interact with others because I forgot how to be human. Somewhere throughout the change, I lost myself for a good while. And still, I haven't recovered much. Then the strangers that I meet... I can't turn them into friends. I push them away for fear of repeating my mistakes.

I want to run away. I need to run away.

I need to throw myself into the sea and find myself again. I need to taste the bittersweet sea. I need to feel the warmth of the sun and watch the beautiful sunrise again. I need to feel the sand between my toes. I need to hear the sea inside the shells. I need the sea breeze to enter my lungs.

Where did I lose myself? Was it before or after?

And all of this is about ME. "I need this. I need that." Does this make me an egomaniac? Si? No tiengo mucho tiempo para sabir quando yo voy a cambar. I doubt I spelled that right. Damn, I fail at being Hispanic.

I'm still angry that Hispanic is not counted as a race. There's black and there's white. Then there's asains. Yet, Hispanics are not counted as a race in this government. Eh, I don't like being counted as white. I'm proud of being Hispanic. Like girly said, "I'm not from England. I'm either from crazy indians in South America, from Spain, or from Antarctica because they're not white, black, or asain." [No we were not being racists.]

I hate it when people [even those Hispanics that are just ignorrant] say they hate immagrants. What is wrong with immagrants? They're immagrants too. The only one that I remember that aren't considered immagrants are Indians. And how many of those are left? Casi nada! Everyone here CAME from a different country. Even if you were born here, your ancestors were not. -_- Again. I'm NOT being racists. I just hate going out of town and hearing people mutter, "Stupid mexicans/beaners/immagrants/lantinos/hispanics."

I think I'm just talking out of my ass right now. I'm tired. I only slept three hours. And they woke me up for nothing! We were going to see another house, but then the realtor called and said they had sold the house. I'm getting tired of this woman. She kepts cancelling things. Three days in a row I had been waken up early to go see houses and then cancelled at the last minute.

Ten dollars say that NOBODY reads this shit anyways.

At least Paul made me feel good today. Apparently, I know how to be "charming". Which I'm starting to think it's true. I can make my best friend blush whenever she needs an opinion on clothes. And I always trick/convience "That Kid" to do me favors. Then I made that girl at the mall blush so much she looked like she was going to explode.

But then he ruined the moment and told me I could be an ass. Which I KNOW is true. Whenever my friends have problems that I just don't feel like listening to. I tell them the cold hard truth instead of lying and saying "everything's going to be okay," when we all know it's not. Or saying, "That's just the way life is and we have to accept that." Which I don't mind if people do that to me. The only time I'm like that though is when they piss me off and actually know that they did. And when the same old BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND problems come up. I hate those. I know NOTHING about love. So why come to me for advice?

Yeah, okay. I'm really talking out of my ass.

So yeah... nobody reads this anyways. :\

8bit Tea

I can't sleep. No matter how hard I'm trying, I just can't sleep. I ust have too many thoughts running through my mind. What went wrong in me? I'm so tired, I'm sleepy. But I find myself starring at the ceiling hoping to fall asleep before the morning sun shines though. But nothing like a good cup of hot tea to relax me. Meteor shower, the Perseids, in about 5-6 days. Please let it not be cloudy.

I have to see the meteor shower.

It's the only thing I look forward to every year.

I wish I could share the moment with somebody.

1/2

Ah! Painting, my newly found passion. I lose myself in my painting. It makes me so... happy. I was inspired to paint today just because of a make-up artist. I lost myself today. I was sitting there in the "director's chair" waiting for the woman to start applying a thousand layers of make-up. She walked over to me and told me to close my eyes. She started applying the first layer of make-up with a sponge [in my words "Chacho," for those of you who remember my phase of naming objects]. It bothered me. I hate make-up all over my face and I hate people touching my face. But soon enough, she started applying the eyeshadow on my eyes with a brush. The feeling felt familiar. I knew that feeling. I zoned out to a time when I was a kid. I remembered my sister tickling my face with her paint brushes. She had painted a flower on my check. It was a beautiful flower. A sunflower. Then the woman told me to open my eyes. She left for a moment and came back with a couple of more products. I closed my eyes again. She applied another layer of make-up. Then there was a scent. A familiar scent. It took me a while, then I realized, it smelled like acrylic paint. I smiled, and the woman noticed. She asked me, "Did you think of something that made you happy?" And I replied, "Yeah, painting. I haven't painted in a while. Now I think I'm going to do that before I go to bed today." She smiled.

I took my senior pictures today. It wasn't that bad, it took about half an hour, but it went by fairly fast.

Driver's Ed went by fast too. We took two tests and I did great. I'm glad I can memorize things easily.

I caught a stranger looking at me and our eyes met. He started walking towards me and I left from my spot. Stupid mistake, but I don't want to "fall in love" again. Strangers are a bad thing for me. But I can't help but be interested in knowing them.

One whole year.
It's like rehab without the drugs.
I've changed.
And I still am.
At this point in my life, I now know:
That friends don't last forever.
And the ones that do,
I have to keep holding on.
I need to go to college.
I need to meet new people.
I need change.
I hate this city.
I need CHANGE.

I need to CHANGE.

I still remember the rain.
I still remember not being afraid.
For the first time in my life,
I wasn't afraid.

You've got ideas in your head of someone you could talk to.

J.W. Nixon High School and VMT kiddos!

What classes are you taking? :P

Home School Schedule

1. Fundamental Cri [I'm guessing this is Criminal Justice. Did I sign up for it?] - Villarreal

2.BIM - Ramon

3.Accounting - Boyless

4.Calculus [Fuck my life! D: I love math but this is too much.] - Lemos

5.Lunch

VMT Schedule

6.Woodwind - Hinojosa

7.Woodwind - Hinojosa [Seriously... two blocks? 0.o]

8.BCIS II - Blumberg [Omfg, seriously, fuck my life. I don't like him]

9.English - Martinez! :D

Anyone have class with me?

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In other news, I got my hair done, went to go see houses [three of them , which they all sucked], and picked up my schedule. Now I'm just waiting to go to Driver's Ed. Ugh. I don't want to go. :/ After that, I'm probably not going to get online. I just want to go to sleep because apparently, I have to go get my make-up done tomorrow and go take my senior picture. Which reminds, I need to go look for my clothes.

I think this Saturday is my friend's Sweet Sixteen.

Hopefully she won't ditch me for her ass of a friend.

We Had No Choice But to Destroy Every Note.

I tell myself that I'm going to change.

Lately this has become a daily thing.

Recently, I have realized that I am not the same person I was a year ago. There are still some attributes that are still the same, but I have come to the conclusion that there has been a drastic change. Starting this month, I am going to start my Senior year in high school. I only have to take one class that actually counts towards my graduation, which is English. If I take English at VMT, there is a likely chance that I'm going to pass with an A. [Creativity flows better at my magnet school, than my home school.] Plus, I just need THREE more college credits to graduate DAP, according to my VMT counselor. Which I believe, is total BULL, because I've talked to my counselor at my home school and she says I only need two more college credits to graduate DAP. My home school counselor is more reliable that my magnet school counselor.

And I just realized that in my 17 years of exsistence, I have finally mastered in spelling the word 'counselor'.

My mom has been on my tail, nagging me to apply for scholarships. I've been going to the website my counselor gave me to apply for scholarships, but I get so overwhelmed when I look at the topics.

I feel like a failure.

All I want in my life is music, art, and maybe a stranger's kindness. But with the world that we live in, I have to want something more than that, and have more interests than that. To get a job that I have no interest in. To fail at a job that I would love due to the fact that the world thinks that I'm not 'GOOD ENOUGH'.

I use to believe that music was going to be my career.

Then I went back to my old love, art.

But comparing myself to other 'artists', I would fail in the artsy fartsy world. Then lately my love for writing has been sat on by a big cement block. [Yes, that's right, Writer's block.] Due to this, I haven't been putting any intelligence in what I write. For example: I've been writing like every other teenage girl with their 'OMFGWTF' and such.

I haven't studied for my SAT, even though I've already taken it.

On Wednesday, I have to go fix my hair, get my hair down, and go take my Senior pictures pictures.

Since I haven't fallen asleep yet, I still count this day as Monday. So...

Today, August 4th, I started Driver's Ed. I believe it's total BULL. Whatever that we did today, I could've done on the internet and learn to drive myself. [Which really, I have no interest in driving... at the moment.] I really don't have the desire to drive.

Tomorrow, August 5th, I need to go to my home school and register to pick up my schedule. Hopefully I will be able to catch my counselor and take to her about my schedule.

I don't mind wearing the Polos to school, I just hate the pants.

There's a slight chance that I may have ADD.

I sure hope not.

Egomaniacs

I tend to "fall in love" with egomaniacs.

This explains Autumn.

And I don't even talk to him.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

And to the two-year egomaniac:

You say you've changed?

You still act like a goth wannabe teenage.

I've changed way faster than you would've beleived.

In the sky, there is a cloud containing the sea.

Eh, so apparently, I'm sick. The day we ate at Cracker Barrel, I started feeling bad. I didn't even sleep that night. I keep waking up wanting to puke but didn't. Finally around 6AM yesterday, I officially puked my guts out. So now I'm telling myself, "I'M NEVER GOING TO EAT PASTA OR FOOD FROM CRACKER BARREL AGAIN!"

And as off today, I'm still sick. I didn't go to my gramma's. And I slept until 6:30 pm. I feel better, but I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day.

Well on a worser note, I'm home. We can back yesterday evening. We ended up getting here at 11ish PM. It feels weird to be home. Well... at least I get my privacy.

--------------------------------------

So today's dream was pretty weird. My mom was making food and she hired this guy to help her. I went to the kitchen to talk to my mom but she was busy on the phone. I headed back to my room and I felt I was being watched by someone. I turned around and there was this guy looking at me. He mouthed HI and smiled. I just waved back, smiled, and went into my room. I became giggly like a schoolgirl. After awhile, I started to play the guitar and then there was a knock on the door. I got up and opened the door. The guy was there holding a cup of hot tea. "This is for you," he said. "Thanks," I replied. Then he asked me, "How old are you?" I replied, "Legal." And then he pulled me forward and kissed me.

[This dream was too much for me, I didn't want it. So I woke up then tried going back to bed.]

Then I was with Jenni and Percy. Some guys were playing football, and Jenni says, "Hey Ash, isn't that your guy over there?" Since my back was facing the football players, I turned around and saw the guy my mom hired standing there. I turned back to Jenni and just smiled. Then somehow it became a party for VMT people. Mostly from Nixon. It was really... random. We sat down on a long table with some people from band and people from our class. The guy sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.

[I woke up again trying to change it. Then I went back to sleep.]

He was back with the guys playing football and I was talking to Matthew about some game. We deparated from talking and he walked back to his table and I went to mine. I turned around to look at the guys playing football and instead, I saw Autumn walking towards Matthew's table. I couldn't help myself but look. He knew I was looking so he sat on the side of Matthew's table facing me. I looked down, then at Jenni and made conversation with her. The guy came and sat down next me again kissed me on the check. I looked up at Autumn and his face just changed. He looked down, got up from the table, and left with Gamer. [Did this mean I was over him?]

Then my dream just changed. I was in a car with him and we were driving home. Then we crashed. I woke up not knowing where or who I was. I walked into some store and this girl let me stay there. I climbed a latter and there were all my posessions that I loved so much. My books, my paints, my sketches, my favorite two jackets, and other things. I walked over to the bed and there was a picture of me and him. And then I cried. I wanted him near.

[Then I woke up, fell back asleep.]

I met this other guy and walked into a shop with him. Then somehow, people that I knew where there. I began talking to some people from band. We heard a gunshot. We tried escaping but all the exits were blocked by people with guns. One of them went after me, I ran into the bathroom and hid in a stale. Apparently they wanted to know where he was. So did I. The guy with the gun opened the stale and I grabbed his gun and smacked him in the face with it. [Random Note: I love Brian Eno's UNDER STARS. It's petty.] I tried to escape so me being the stupid one, I started shooting at the guys with guns, hoping to get out. Then some guy that I knew from band pointed a gun at me crying and saying sorry. I told him to put the gun down or I will kill him no matter what. I told him that he was better than that. And he gave the gun to me. Somehow I was able to get out.

[I woke up and went back to sleep.]

I was back in the store with the girl. I was helping her clean out some stuff and she allowed me to keep some things. I came across some leters from a woman to her. She really wanted me to throw them out, but I decided to keep them to use in my artwork. Then a man walked into the store that knew the girl. [Come to think of it, the girl was more of a 40 yr. old lady who looked really young.] She went into the kitchen with the man and I continued looking through boxes of stuff. I heard a clearing of a throat, and I looked up. He was there holding a stargazer in his hand, smiling.

-------

Then finally, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.

What does this dream mean? Do I really want love in my life? Have I denied so much, to want it so bad? :[ I don't know what's happening. But this guy... it hasn't been the first time that I've seen it.

I just want someone to enjoy spending time with.

Someone who may understand.

Even if I may not make any sense, they would still be able to understand.

I just want a good friend.

Guy or girl.

I want someone.

They Say, That Kid He's Got...

I've been here in McAllen with my family for about 4 days already. We're probably going to stay until tomorrow or Sunday. Apparently, on August 4th, I start Driver's Ed. Also, sometime this coming week, I need to set up an appointment for my senior pictures. My mom wants me to get my hair, make-up, and nails perfessionally down. -_- I hate this. Well, my really girly friends should be proud of me. I bought this girly outfit... and I'm enjoying it. *Hides.*

What I've been up to:

• Sunday, 27th: I went to my Gramma's to eat, then came back home and took a nap. I woke up around 9 PM and got online. Once I logged on, I totally got bombed with messages from Gabi, Percy, and Jenni. Jenni picked us up and we went to her house. We watched CANDY and CHARLIE BARTLETTE(sp?).
• Monday, 28th: Came to McAllen, and... I forgot what we did. I think we went to Mimi's cafe. Really bad service. We complained so much, we got a meal on the house. lol, I felt super-bad, but seriously... the service sucked and the food came out cold. The only thing I really loved was the STRAWBERRY LEMONADE. ._. FUCKIN' GOOD.
• Tuesday, 29th: We went to Beall's and I gots fancy girly clothes and a cool pollo. And some sweet Kicks. :D [RocketDog all the way!] We ate chicken. ALOT. of chicken. Haha. Plus, I missed Food Detectives! D:
• Wednesday, 30th: Apparently I forgot. We probably didn't do anything. Mommy made pancakes for breakfast. And I missed the live episode of Criss Angel. D: But it's okay, I got to catch the re-run. :D
• Thursday, 31st: Krystel's Birffday! :D We went out to eat at Olive Garden [ew, PASTA] and we had freakin' BADASS SERVICE. Mega-hawt chicks there. :D :D :D :D :D Then afterwards, I WENT TO BARNES AND NOBLE! And bought three Batman graphic novels! Dearly Devoted Dexter, and a fuckin' starchart! :D BADASS. That was like... $80 spent. It's okay! It was all worth it. :]
• Today: Went to CrackerBarrel, and really, the FOOD WAS JUST AMAZING. GREAT SERVICE TOO. [And we bought uniforms...eh.]

And I think that was it. >_> Not quite sure.